Oh my goodness! What are the implications of this? What does this mean for my family and my marriage? What does this mean for society in general? What does this mean for other couples I know? What will I tell my kids???

Will there be celebratory parades? Protests? Looting? Protest parades followed by looting? Celebrants clashing with protestors?

As it turns out, none of the above. All that happened here is that some people went out and got married.

This summer, when it looked like we had marriage equality in Virginia, my friends’ overall reaction was “YAY! WOOHOO!”.

Then a few weeks later when it looked like oh-wait-maybe-not the reaction was “Really?”

So now, after a few months of upper-courts air hockey on this whole issue, we’re being told “It’s really official now! It’s actually going to stick this time!”

To which, my friends, who are not legal experts (and neither am I), reacted “Yay??”

And as for my friends who are in same sex relationships, well the world kept right on turning while all this debating was going on. And, it’s not that they aren’t thrilled about this, but, honestly? Like most people, they’re too busy taking care of the kids/business/adult life in general to publicly celebrate. And maybe they are just a little hesitant as to whether this is actually for real this time.

And as for my family, this was how the conversation with my teenage son went:

Son: “So, like, is gay marriage legal now in Virginia now, or not?”

Me: “I think it was. Then I think it wasn’t. Now I think it is, because the Supreme Court said so.”

Son: “So, like, are they finally done with it? Are they done arguing about this? Can they spend their time on other more important stuff now?”

So that pretty much sums up how the marriage equality issue has impacted my family. It has nothing to do with the definition of/sanctity of marriage. As far as my son is concerned it is just one more demonstration of our legal institutions/government spending time arguing about stuff that just isn’t important.

And this, actually, is the real issue that I have a difficult time trying to explain to my kids…

You know that craving for something you know would be so satisfying, so sweet that your cheeks are forced into a smile – like a perfectly ripe white nectarine, or a bite of raspberry sorbet? That’s what I feel every morning when I wake up and every night as I go to bed. For me though, the craving is something just out of reach.
Building for a while now, my wife and I have what some might call, “baby fever.” We both want a child, and have talked about it for years. We jokingly argue about whether to have one, or two (or three). We discuss names and pretend to pick out insanely cute baby clothes when shopping for boring stuff like toothpaste at Target. However, no matter how much we crave the addition of a little bundle of joy in our lives; until laws change in Virginia we’re left wanting.

As it stands, our marriage is not recognized by the Commonwealth. This means that we have to file our state taxes separately, we cannot enjoy each others health benefits, and we are not granted the same rights as other married couples to adopt a child. Similarly, if my wife gives birth to a child, I have no legal rights to it whatsoever. That’s right, in Virginia I cannot, legally, be the mother of my own child.
Not yet, anyway.

For now, we have to content ourselves with hanging out with this silly kid and being super fun aunts.

Last week something extremely exciting occurred. The 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals announced that it would not delay its ruling to strike down Virginia’s ban on same-sex marriage. Not surprisingly, opponents of same-sex marriage requested that the Supreme Court issue a stay to prevent marriage licenses from being issued staring August 21st at 8 a.m. Many believe the Supreme Court will indeed halt marriages from occurring because they have done so in similar instances. Marriage equality supporters all over Virginia hold their breath as we await the decision from the Supreme Court that will affect so many lives.

It’s my strong belief that even if the Supreme Court grants the delay of same-sex marriage in Virginia, marriage equality is the inevitable future. And, with the legal recognition of me and my wife’s marriage, also comes full parental rights. For us, nothing could be sweeter than this. We content ourselves with knowing that we’re just as worthy as anyone else out there, no matter what the law says. After all, what’s the most important thing parents can give to their children?

Love…and we have plenty to give.

This post was submitted by Abby Waller.  You can read Abby’s writing at ISpyRVA

I can’t say that I’m terribly surprised.  It has been acknowledged for years that Chick-Fil-A is a company founded and run on Christian principles. I had heard murmurings and rumors for years

Cows love chicken but not gay marriage.

that the company funneled money to support anti-gay lobbying measures or anti-gay groups. Until I heard it directly from the head of the company, though, I was able to plead ignorance and continue patronizing a restaurant that I loved for so many other reasons.

Now I’m conflicted.

On the one hand, I do not like supporting companies whose principles (business or otherwise) are in conflict with my values. I want to put my money where my heart is. This is why I refuse to shop at Wal-Mart, for example.

On the other hand, if I tried to keep track of every retailer’s ethics and align my purchases with only the businesses that support my values, I would be exhausted.  It can certainly be done, but between the research, the expense, and the lack of convenience, I might just hole up in my house and never make a purchase again.  This only works if I can sew my own clothes, grow my own food, and never drive a car again.  I don’t think that’s very realistic.  If I boycott one company for a particular issue, do I have to do it across the board? Where do I draw the line?

As I debate this issue with myself, I wonder if there is a difference between boycotting a company because of the way it treats its employees, engages in shady business practices,  or abuses the Earth’s resources (e.g. Wal-Mart, Phillip Morris, or BP) versus boycotting a company because you don’t like how they spend their profits (e.g. Chick fil A).

Aside from this issue with using their profits to support an extremist religious agenda, I find very little fault with the company. They use locally sourced and fresh food whenever possible. They pay their employees fairly and foster a healthy corporate culture. They promote wellness and family involvement and do many things for nonprofits in their communities.  How many good things must a company do to outweigh overt discrimination?

As the issues of rights for GLBT people continue to be debated in our country, many have drawn parallels to the Civil Rights movements of the 1960s.  Fifty years ago, it was considered common practice for many businesses to deny equal rights to people of color, uphold discriminatory policies, and support other endeavors that furthered these ideas.  In fact, many people claimed that this racism was justified based on Christian principles and scripture taken directly from the Bible.  We look back on history today and find that kind of discrimination unbelievable…almost laughable.  Yet almost the same arguments and justifications are being used against the LGBT community in this decade.

I may not be able to boycott every single company whose values conflict with my own, but I can certainly avoid a tasty chicken sandwich and waffle fries.  I am sorry, Chick-fil-A, but you have lost a fan.  I stand for equality. I stand for loving my neighbor…regardless of their sexual preference. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

In our ever-celebratory world filled with days existing to honor the Watermelon, Old Rocks, Feet and Dressing up your pet, it seems perfectly fitting that we should honor a decision that is likely one that takes the most courage a person may ever have to muster: talking about their sexuality in a world that (to put it lightly) isn’t always ready to hear about it.

I have several dear friends who happen to be gay. Each one has had to hide, at certain times in their interactions, their sexuality in the workplace in order to “keep up appearances.” I’ve always felt badly that they could not feel comfortable talking about their home lives–just the normal stuff, like “went to the football game with XX this weekend”–for fear of retaliation or retribution at work.

This is not a political statement on my part. It’s just the way I feel.

In fact, I’m shocked that gay marriage is even a political issue; it’s an “issue” that exists because two people love and want to be with one another; it doesn’t seem to me to even enter into the political arena.  There are wars, health care, joblessness, homelessness, and much more pressing issues requiring leaders’ attention.

What keeps me up at night: soldiers coming home from war without limbs, or not coming home at all. Babies dying from cancer. Friends who have lost livelihoods, confidence, dreams due to losing their jobs. What problems my children are going to inherit when politicians quit in-fighting and realizing that we’re so far in debt we’ll never get out. Not if two men or two women get married to one another.

Gay, lesbian, and bisexual folks are still chastised, teased, and suffer terrible crimes–even murder as a result of their homosexuality. As many strides as it seems we’ve taken to embrace diversity in some areas of our lives, this is one that seems to divide people, families, communities.

To me, it’s a shame. What someone does in their bedroom is not my business.

Here’s to hoping someone took the step to come out today who never before imagined they would have the courage to do so. . .and was welcomed with open arms.

Earlier this year we ran a post on What Richmond parents think about gay marriage; we lost many of the comments in a recent site conversion, sadly. It’s one of our most-visited posts.

with contributor Rhonda Day

The recent legislation, that announced New York’s senate had approved gay marriage, ignited a firestorm of public opinion related to its relevance in our traditionally-conservative state, and created questions about whether or not such a drastic change would ever cross into the Commonwealth of Virginia. With more than 60% of Virginia’s voters under 35 years of age supporting same-sex couples, it is possible in the future.

But don’t count on it anytime soon.

Virginia’s Constitution, under Section 15-A, states “Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this Commonwealth and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance, or effects of marriage. Nor shall this Commonwealth or its political subdivisions create or recognize another union, partnership, or other legal status to which is assigned the rights, benefits, obligations, qualities, or effects of marriage.”

Virginia actually toughened the marriage laws against same-sex marriage in 2004 and little progress has been made since then. A run-down of the gay marriage laws by state can be found on the Stateline website.

It’s one thing to recognize what the laws and legal system say about same-sex marriage, but it’s a totally different thing when you talk to “real Richmond women” who are so intimately involved with the issue. So Richmondmom.com did what we do best – we asked Richmond moms what they thought!

What Our Readers Say

We decided to ask our readers for their opinions, and in doing so, a mini-volcano erupted on the Richmondmom.com Facebook page. Several readers also sent us their personal opinions via email, and explained how their lives have been personally touched by this issue.

One of these examples is Cristin, who asked that her last name not be shared, and whose sister has recently become engaged to another woman. “I know she called certain people to tell them the news first.  She wanted to talk first to the people that would be genuinely happy for her. I am saddened that her news of joy was not met with the heartfelt enthusiasm that I felt when I shared the news of my engagement.”

Cristin went on to add that this new union brings a “whole host of issues” including: which state do they choose to get married in—one in which gay marriage is legal, or one in which they live with family and friends? Do they get married in the non-gay-marriage state then go to a state like New York to make it legal?  Then the ceremony: who walks down the aisle? Who pays for the wedding?

She “wishes gay marriage was legal in Virginia, but we will probably be the last state to approve it, and it will probably be over 100 years from now.” Cristin is also hoping that her sister can focus on being in a happy, committed relationship and not be bogged down in the turmoil and uncertainty of her lifestyle choice.

Gay couples aren’t the only ones caught up in the turmoil: clergy are feeling it, too. According to reader Grace Morse Brumagin: “for the same reasons tha tpeople are exempted from many many things for “religious reasons” (U.S. Supreme Court cases abound on this topic) people (namely clergy) should not be required to perform ceremonies if the organization/religion views homosexuality as fundamentally wrong.

Another readerand Richmond mom, Debbie, is a gay woman in a committed relationship. Debbie and her partner, Laura have two children together, but one is not legally recognized as Debbie’s because each carried one of their two children.

“We were camping with friends when I heard the news…New York had approved the marriage between two same sex individuals through bipartisan compromise.  My first reaction was one of hope – that one day I too can have my marriage recognized by Virginia.  I think the best part of the NY decision is that the legislators did what they thought was right, not what they thought would get them reelected or what the majority believed was right.  It took courage for each of those individuals to stand up and say that the current law was wrong.”

Debbie is very open about her relationship in her work environment. Having worked with her myself and really getting to know her situation, it was refreshing to find someone so open about her lifestyle in a society where different decisions aren’t always met with optimism.

Says Debbie, “In all honesty, I don’t understand why so many people are so vehemently against gay marriage and why they even care what others do.  We have always lived in a society that clings to the right to be an individual and fights any hint of intrusion into those rights.  Shouldn’t who you marry follow the same logic?  What is a more personal choice than the partner you choose and the family you raise?  Marriage won’t change my relationship with Laura or my two amazing kids but it will allow me to cover my whole family on my health insurance, file taxes jointly instead of jumping through the hoops we do today to unmingle our finances, and most importantly, adopt my daughter who I have raised every day of her life yet who is not legally considered my child.”

It might be Rachel who put it most bluntly, “I am married in the eyes of God and that’s all that matters to me. No one can take that away from me. They can deny me benefits and services that are available to heterosexual couples, but they cannot deny me the freedom to love my partner and be united in our eyes and the eyes of God. How many heterosexual couples never marry but have life-long lasting relationships together? And how many of them marry, only to end in divorce? Even Hollywood’s “golden heterosexual couple”, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell aren’t married but have enjoyed more than 25 years in a committed relationship. Standing in front of a legal officiant doesn’t make a marriage – two people who love each other make a marriage. I say let the government say what they want to say. I am “married” to my soul mate in my heart and she and I have committed to be together for the rest of our lives.”

Rachel’s committed partner points out, “When I told my parents I had a same-sex partner, they were horrified to the point they actually ‘disowned’ me. We haven’t spoken in over 20 years. While I knew I was doing the right thing with my life, it was devastating to lose the love and support of my parents. The pain goes deep because I always thought they would love me for who I am, not who they wanted me to be. They have lost out on an opportunity to share my life, and the lives of the two beautiful, vibrant children that we have. To me, this is the worst side of the same-sex controversy and until everyone accepts the new norm for same-sex relationships in general, legislation won’t be worth the paper it’s written on.”

I Do or Not?

Our readers still had a lot to say, so we plunked the remaining responses into two buckets, the Pro’s and the Con’s. And as you probably guessed – there are two very different viewpoints from either side:

Con’s:

Eleine referenced the Bible when she said: “The bible condemns homosexuality and, even though it doesn’t explicitly say that marriage is between a man and a woman, every time the bible mentions marriage, it is between man and woman (never man and man, etc.). You have to decide: are …your beliefs rooted in Christianity or rooted in “freedom”? I believe that the freedoms of this country are founded on Christianity, not liberalism, and we should do what we need to, to maintain the basic principles that our forefathers worked so hard to instill. Sexual orientation was never a protected class (like religion, race, etc.) Unfortunately, being Christian means that we have some very hard rules to follow; being heterosexual is just one of the many. On the flip side, we Christians are very lucky because we are FORGIVEN… for ALL our sins.”

Pro’s:

Tammy Ruble, who is in complete support of gay marriage, thinks it’s “actually a little embarrassing to live in a state that’s so backwoods on this issue.”

To Eleine’s opinion that this is an issue of Christianity, Tammy responded: “Protecting people on the basis of their sexual orientation will one day be a protected class as well, I’m confident. We just need a more rational Supreme Court than the one we have right now. What the Bible says — and that’s completely open to interpretation by scholars — is completely irrelevant to the civil rights guaranteed by the Constitution.”

Rebecca Muminovic, HCA Physician and regular contributor on Richmondmom.com, feels that “the law should move on regardless of any church’s support because—like it or not—in this country there is a separation of church and state.” Rebecca went on to add, “in a world filled with war and hate, any union that celebrates love and commitment should be celebrated. There are plenty of heterosexual marriages that are soaked in deceit and why should those people’s union be embraced simply because of their choice in partner? If anyone should not be allowed to get married, it is people who have cheated and proven that they are not worthy of the privilege. Not to mention the small little fact of separation of church and state…”

One of the more humorous approaches was from single mom of two teenage boys, Susan Wallace:

“I think everyone should be allowed to be miserable if that’s his or her choice. KIDDING!

Seriously, why not? There is absolutely no logical reason as to why we should keep people from marrying who they choose. It’s the right thing to do. I’m pro-love, and marriage is supposed to be about love. If people want to spend their time opposing something, I wish they would pick a cause that eliminates hate, like working to end child abuse or to stop the trafficking of women and children.”

“GO LOVE!”

Until Then

It may be many years before Virginia’s legislators are more open and enlightened on the issue of same-sex marriage. There is also a long road to travel before the public opinion makes the transition of accepting it too. However, it is possible that the Commonwealth of Virginia will one day follow New York’s lead and legalize marriage for same-sex couples.

Richmond mom of two, Cathleen Grzesiek, put her view on the issue simply:

“Love is love. . .”

But as long as such polarizing opinions exist, love’s legal state remains in flux.