In the aftermath of the Sandy Hook massacre, I imagine lots of parents like me descended into a giant pit of “What if?” questions. It’s terrible to consider, but it’s human nature…we always wonder what we would do (or what we would want others to do) in a similar circumstance. We try to get a clear picture of what happened there, we try to remember everything we can about our own surroundings, and we ask ourselves, “How would I react? How would I want my school to react?”

Honestly, I can’t understand why schools would still use this “shelter in place and hide quietly” approach. It doesn’t do anything to impede an attacker’s progress. It doesn’t make life any harder for the attacker. All it does is make the environment very quiet, which is the last thing you want if you’re trying to avoid contact because any sound then attracts attention. Why not trip the fire alarms? For that matter, set off the sprinklers if possible. Cut power to the building. Make the simple act of walking the hallways disorienting and uncomfortable, and move the kids out and away from the school, fast.

We also can do better than leaving the teachers and staff to be human shields for the kids. I’m not advocating arming teachers with guns (more on that later), but there are alternative options that have to be presented. Recently, a group in Virginia led the charge to have EpiPens provided in all VA schools to save the lives of kids suffering allergic reactions. These are secured from kids’ hands yet quickly available to be used on a moment’s notice when a life is at stake. We should do the same with CS/pepper chemical spray like police use for non-lethal intervention.

If not that, then at least provide teachers with insight and training (and training is the key) on how to make use of common school implements for protection. Stab or slash with a pair of scissors. Empty a fire extinguisher at the attacker. Throw a garbage can. Smack the attacker with an opened stapler . . .any of these works better than standing there with empty hands and no idea what to do, and all of these techniques can be trained.

“But we’re teachers! We’re here to educate!” It pains me to say it, but the time for that objection has passed. You’re not doctors, but you learn CPR. You’re not firefighters, but you practice fire drills. How many teachers have said “I would do anything for these kids”? Parents know what they mean by that, and now it’s time to ask just a little more.

“Hide in the bathroom and wait for help” is no longer sufficient. I want school systems to make a protective/defensive curriculum part of the teacher certification process, just as much as conflict resolution and first aid/CPR should be. I want to know that our schools have workshopped how to work as a TEAM in protecting our children, just like schools practice fire drills. No one knows a school’s layout like its teachers, administrators, and staff. No one knows where chokepoints or shortcuts are like you. With proper professional training, YOU CAN LEARN how to work with the resources you have, the staff you have, and the space you have to locate, outmaneuver, and even trap an assailant in your space, but you cannot do it without learning and practicing those skills.

I mentioned guns in schools before and I want to revisit that. I understand the concern over the idea of teachers being armed, and I know that a lot of it stems from fears relating to “not being safe” or “not knowing what to do.” I strongly believe that any person who carries a firearm should be well-trained and practice regularly, but that takes time, money, and intent to do. If you don’t have enough of any of those, then you shouldn’t be carrying a weapon. While nothing else allows, say, a 5’1” lightweight human to take down any assailant of any size like a firearm (and the training to use it), if you’re not committed to it, you shouldn’t have it. Having police officers in schools is an option that some districts implement, but it isn’t the best solution because trained officers can do much more within the community than stroll the halls of a school waiting for trouble that may never come.

If I had the ability to wave my hand and bark “Make it so,” however, I would have school systems work with police departments to “deputize” administrators. Redefine principal or assistant principal roles to include security and firearms training, with the goal being that upon certification, those roles become part-time law enforcement positions with duties and responsibilities being focused on the school and the safety of the children and staff. And yes, that includes being trained in carrying and using firearms, with the same emphasis on de-escalation and “use in last resort” that any police officer should have.

Don’t want to do that? Then the job’s not for you.

We want to call schools a safe place. We want to know that when we leave our children there, they’ve got the best of protection. It’s time for us to know that “the best of protection” includes better plans than “hide and keep quiet,” because all that does is provides a shooter the time and space to hunt. We can do better than that.

We’d like to highlight the many creative minds that comprise Richmondmom.com. Our blog has grown considerably in the last four years since its inception, from a few thousand annual visitors to 100,000+, and we couldn’t continue to grow without this amazing team.

Kate Hall – Guru of the Gods!

Rhonda Day

Rhonda is the mother of two adult daughters who are both married and have children of their own. That makes her the grandmother to five wonderful grandchildren – and our only grandmother on staff. She spent 25 years in corporate healthcare as Vice President of Operations managing national delivery of prenatal and child development, chronic disease management, 24 hour nurse triage, and weight management programs. After taking early retirement, her lifelong passion of writing became a reality and she ventured into the world of online and offline freelance writing and content development.  She is the Content Manager for Richmondmom and contributes her expertise as both a mom and grandmother – while sorting out the many opportunities for our valuable advertisers.

Jeb Hoge

Jeb is currently our only male writer on staff and he brings incredible humor to us through his articles and experiences as a dad. Jeb Hoge is a Richmond dad and writer who periodically shares his love of his kids with RichmondMom.com. He writes about the funny side and the lessons learned of raising three young boys in today’s world.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex blogs at Late Enough about life, parenting, marriage, zombies, culture, religion and her inability to wake up in the morning and not hate everyone. She also runs a collaborative review site called This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff (because she does). Feel free to find her on Facebook or @L8enough on Twitter. But don’t call. She uses her phone to manage those accounts while avoiding real human interaction.

Catherine Jones

Catherine Jones graduated with a BA in English from Virginia Tech, and has worked in the marketing field since 1997. She is a single mom with 3 kids. Currently she works part-time for an organic baby/toddler food company HappyFamilyBrands and part-time for Harvesthomes4heroes, which finds affordable housing for our Community Service Heroes: fire-fighters, police officers, teachers, nurses and our military personnel in the Greater Richmond area. Catherine finds both her jobs rewarding. In her free time (ha,ha) she enjoys reading, writing/blogging, organic gardening, and playing sports. Happy Family on Facebook and locally at Happy Family Richmond HappyBabyFood on Twitter and Happy Mama on Twitter.

Cheryl Lage

The exultant mom of elementary school-aged boy/girl twins, Darren and Sarah, Cheryl Lage is a loving wife to her dreamy husband Scott, a part-time post-producer at the Martin Agency, a freelance writer and the author of the bestselling book, Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice from Pregnancy through the First Year (Taylor Trade, c. 2006). Feel free to read their family exploits at Twinfatuation.com . And you’ll love her exploits right here on Richmondmom.com.

Meghan Mack

Meghan Mack is a mother of three wonderfully energetic children who test and challenge her on a daily basis. Her mission is simple: To share her struggles and successes with other mom’s out there so they know that they are not alone in this quest to raise children.  She also hopes to make them laugh, reminding everyone (including herself) to not take everything so seriously.  The mantra that Meghan lives by “There is no room for judgment” especially when your three year old thinks it’s cool to dress himself.

Katie Mardigian

Katie is a freelance writer living in the West End with her husband and three young girls. She finds the joys and insanity of keeping up with three rowdy and hilarious kids provide constant inspiration for her articles. Before becoming a stay at home mom and sometimes-writer, Katie worked as a project manager, a realtor, and program coordinator of an international egg donor program.  After those unique experiences, the only thing Katie knows for sure is that she still doesn’t know what she wants to be when she grows up. So, for now, she writes and is very grateful to be a part of the amazing group of writers and readers who make Richmondmom.com such a wonderful, supportive place to share in the sometimes overwhelming experience of parenthood.

Lisa McGhan

Native Richmonder, Lisa McGhan is a full time stay at home mother of four. She has been married to her soul mate for nearly 12 years. She is the founder and President of Childrens-Heart-Foundation-Virginia-Chapter and works to raise awareness for Congenital Heart Disease. Her new-found love is distance running. When not on the computer or in the mom-van, she can often be found pounding the pavement and inspiring hundreds of Richmond moms to stay healthy and fit!

Rachel Reynolds

Rachel balances her time as an educational consultant for Commonwealth Autism Service, Executive Director and Co-founder of CJ’s Thumbs Up Foundation, and writing on her personal blog. Her first book, Four Seasons for Charlotte, is a memoir chronicling her daughter’s battle with cancer, and it will be published in Spring 2012 by Palari Publishing.

Kristy Roy

After 8 long years of college, Kristy graduated from VCU with a degree in human resources management — not to mention a nice student loan. She worked in the HR field for about a year and now spends her days with her two boys who keep her employed 24/7! Kristy creates great articles with first-hand insights into the life of a true Richmondmom.

Kate Semp

After spending most of her youth living in a variety of countries, Kate Lavelle Semp settled in Richmond, VA where she married and stays at home with her five children (five kids in six years kind of craziness). In late 2008, after months of her husband being under-employed and Kate feeling incredibly removed from the working world, she decided to look for opportunities to get ‘caught up’ but have the flexibility to work from home. Kate reached out to a variety of mom and parenting sites about becoming a writer. Few, if any, paid at first — but Kate kept approaching sites and went back to some of her old passions of graphic design and site development to build on her skills.  In Spring of 2009 Kate Semp met Kate Hall. Kate Semp could feel Kate Hall’s passion for Richmondmom.com and wanted to be a part of the site. After working on Richmondmom for years, Kate has been able to branch out helping small non-profits and local women owned businesses find appropriate social media tools and platforms for their business, rethink their sites for mobile moms and have a better understand of digital marketing.

Lisa Ann Setchel

Lisa is a mother of two, autism warrior, chapter leader for TACA Virginia, owner of Freeze Frame Photobooth and Marketing Director for VA Photobooths and More. During school hours she advocates for seniors as a service coordinators at a low-income senior facility. Lisa Ann writes an autism blog and searches for new ways to ‘go green’ while being emphatically organic. She is a social media lover and still slightly stuck in the 80’s.

Suzanne Sherif

A professional “trailing spouse” and mother of two, Suzanne has lived in several different countries. Her fifth corporate relocation (yes count ‘em, five!) brought her family to Richmond VA in the summer of 2011, and she is really excited about exploring all of the possibilities that Richmond has to offer! Also, she in not moving again. Really. She means it!

Lia Tremblay

Lia lives in Colonial Heights with her husband, Patrick, and their son, Joe. Lia works from home as a freelance writer and editor, completing projects for a variety of clients. In her free time, she loves to read, see independent films and try new restaurants. Lia has learned a lot about parenthood, especially in the special-needs world, and is happy to support other women on the same path. Her poignant and frank articles on the challenges and joys of being the mother to a special needs child provide humor and education for everyone. Visit her online to learn more.

When we got married in our 20s, we wanted a family. When we hit our early 30s, we had one child. No big deal, one might think, since a set of parents outnumbers that baby 2 to 1. How hard can it be? “Oh here, honey, let me hold him” was our common refrain, relieving each other of duty whenever a break was needed, but we were two parents focused on one child, making it very much a shared effort, and there was beauty in that.

Then when we evened up the sides with our second baby when the first was just turning 3, I remember thinking “Wow, it’s a little busier now,” especially since this infant was a dedicated nurser (unlike the first, who had been all bottles) and I, as the male component, couldn’t do a thing to help in that regard. My role, then, largely turned into wrangling the older child, and before long it started to register how much time he and I spent separated from my wife and the baby.

Now, we’re outnumbered, and while I can’t begin to describe the blessing of three happy, healthy, active, and funny boys (each three years younger than the next), it has led to a jarring shift in the way that we live our daily lives. We’ve gone from child-raising being a shared effort to being life in a set of shifts, each one focused on specific boys doing specific functions, and our coping mechanisms are somewhat thwarted.

As a stay-at-home mom nursing an infant, of course, my wife’s central focus now is on the youngest, but she’s cried tears over the feeling that she’s not taking care of the rest of her family; during the day shift, getting all three into the car and out for errands is a monumental effort and one that she usually just doesn’t tackle unless she has to. The after-work shift entails me either spiriting away the baby for a quiet walk around the neighborhood or taking one or both of the older boys off to swim, or play, or go to Scouts, or do whatever is on the agenda. The dinner shift often is split up, with the older boys scarfing down food they like or picking through food they don’t like, and my wife and I each eating our meal before switching off to mind whichever child is needing attention that night, although sometimes we still do manage to sit together for dinner as a family at the table. Then, the bathtime/storytime/bedtime shift is almost always my domain, stretching out as much as an hour of the evening as I get the two older boys down to sleep, while my wife takes the baby away for quiet nursing and rest. Finally, our own quiet time is limited to whatever’s left on the clock before I’ve got to get to bed before my next workday, and the baby still takes charge of that night shift whenever he wants to.

Check in, work, check out, rest (or more work), check in, work again…life in shifts, for a workforce of two.

Our routine is by no means severe, and we’re lucky enough to have each other to help get through it, but still, I can’t get past a certain feeling that we chose to break down our relationship as a couple in order to set up our relationship as parents. We were lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on your point of view) to have nine years to ourselves before children, and our plan in all that time was to be parents, so I think that we had plenty of preparation to get to this point and through it without falling apart as a couple, but what happens to those who were surprised, or didn’t have that time, or just maybe weren’t as ready for it as they thought? Might that explain some breakdowns in marriages? Does it explain the problems with coping skills that lead some parents to go on strike? Or do people just not see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, or that there is a way to survive the shift work and re-establish the bond of “couple” either within the mantle of “family” or as an external force, holding it more tightly than before? How do you rebuild that coupleness when you can barely manage time for a hug without a kid being lodged in between?

As parents, we know that we’re always going to have our kids in mind. I don’t think there’s ever been a case of parents who, having left behind the kids in someone’s care, didn’t talk or think about their offspring while away, no matter how glamorous or relaxing or engaging their time away is. However, for parents of young children, I think it’s extra difficult to visualize that it’s OK for the couple to come back in the place of the parents. We’re always sensitive to the possibility of being needed right away. We think we hear their voices, even if we know we don’t. We wonder if everything’s OK back home and compulsively look at our cellphones to make sure we didn’t somehow miss a call.

We know that someday we’ll be able to leave all of the kids with a sitter (and someday after that, leave them without one), and one day our kids will leave us. One day we’ll be able to become more “couple” than “parents” again, enjoying the benefits of both without the responsibilities overshadowing them. Until then, the best we can do is savor the quiet moments as parents and remember when we wanted to have the life we have now.