“No Stone is Too Big” courtesy of madhan r, flickr creative commons https://www.flickr.com/photos/flickcoolpix/

This time of year is always stressful in our house.  Work picks up  when  everybody starts scheduling meetings and conferences after the lull of the winter .  The kids’ birthdays are in the spring which entails planning headaches fun.  There’s lots of stuff to schedule and get done.  Also, we all cycle through allergies or a cold.

In general, we are prickly with each other.

Last week our prickliness was too much for me.  One evening I heard myself strongly saying to my dear hubby, “I need you to be a rock I can lean on, rather than a rock I have to push up hill!”

I’m a sucker for a helpful analogy.  This is one of the best my brain has created in a while. When I said that, it felt like exactly what I needed him to hear.

Ever since that conversation, I keep going back to that analogy.  Is he being a rock I have to push up hill, or a rock I can lean on?  Which kind of rock am I being?  It’s a helpful framework that can help us discuss how we’re feeling as we work through something together (like, say, life.)

We can say things to each other like…

“Right now, I feel like you’re in ‘rock’ mode and not in a good way!”

“I feel like I’m having to push you up hill!  Can you just help me instead of be a barrier?”

“Thanks for handling that.  That’s the kind of rock I need!”

I know he wants to be a rock for me to lean on, and I want to be a rock he can lean on.  Neither of us wants to be the rock that adds to the other’s load to push up the hill.

As we all travel through life with other people, there are lots of flat spaces, hills and mountains.  I am really grateful to have a partner with whom I can navigate all the terrain, which after ten years of marriage, we are still learning how to do.

I recently visited some friends who had a baby.  The mother turned to me and said at one point ” I didn’t realize how hard having a baby would be on our marriage. I find myself always being the one to care for the baby, when the baby cries, my husband doesn’t even seem to notice.”  I’ve heard this from many, many moms and it’s mentioned in this article as kind of the beginning of becoming the Default Parent.

My family has not been immune to this phenomenon, once my husband was determined to be the one to get up with our son in the middle of the night, after I came back into bed with the baby, my husband marveled “I’m so sorry, by the time it registered to me that the baby was crying and I needed to get up you were already half-way across the room”.   After pregnancy and breastfeeding, mothers often have a natural connection with baby already that seems to cause them to be the first to respond to baby’s needs. In fact, evidence has shown that this inclination to care for a distressed child is so strong it actually spans across species and female deer will even respond to a human baby cry.   So yes, when the baby does cry you’re not wrong, you hear it differently than your spouse.

But beyond this, I feel like in many situations, particularly when both parents work, the Default Parent has a choice.  When you’re both equally busy, and the baby wakes up from her nap you can stop what you’re doing, sigh internally thinking “Why does it always have to be me?” or you can turn to your partner and say “Honey, will you go get the baby?”.  The would-be Default Parent can say “You have to take the day off work today to take care of Jr., I can’t”.  “I think the baby’s diaper is dirty, can you change it?” and the ever common phrase in our house “I don’t know, go ask your dad”.

Maybe you don’t feel like you should have to ask, but if you really don’t want to find yourself as the Default Parent then you need to get beyond that and ask your partner to step in.  I’d rather be a nag than a martyr and your partner also shouldn’t be expected to know you need help (or don’t need it, but would like it anyway) if you don’t say anything.  We all know that parenting is hard work and we know that marriage is hard work and creating an environment where neither person feels taken advantage of is just part of that.

After 3 kids and nearly 9 years of marriage I can say with complete honesty that my son is just as likely to turn to his dad for homework help as he is to ask me.  My husband has taken the kids to doctors appointments, talked to teachers, been to back to school nights, changed just as many diapers as I have, and has run plenty of errands with the kids in tow. He’s treated fevers, dropped kids off, picked kids up, organized playdates, stayed up nights, and wiped away tears, just as I have.  Yes, we do it differently, we’re different parents, but neither of us does it better than the other.  Over the years, we have each worked under the unspoken understanding that parenting is an equal opportunity obligation (and joy) for both of us.

Partly this has been due to circumstances, I am fortunate to have a partner who is a naturally enthusiastic father and who has a job that allows him to spend lots of time with our children (including being a stay at home dad the entire summer break). But this is also, in large part, a situation of our making.  We’ve each encouraged each other to pursue goals outside just caring for our family, spend time out with friends, go on vacations, take breaks and, perhaps most importantly, neither of us have been afraid to turn to each other and say “It’s your turn”.

The parenting gig isn’t always even in our house. There have certainly been times where I’ve found myself in the Default Parent role (what I refer to as Parent on Duty) and there have been plenty of times where my husband has been the default.  Inevitably, we will find ourselves in that position again at various stages of our journey as partners and as parents.  But when we start feeling overwhelmed (and perhaps a smidgen resentful) we have to ask ourselves “Is this something we just need to power through, or am I not speaking up enough?”.

Often, I’ve found that all we have to do is ask.

Oh my goodness! What are the implications of this? What does this mean for my family and my marriage? What does this mean for society in general? What does this mean for other couples I know? What will I tell my kids???

Will there be celebratory parades? Protests? Looting? Protest parades followed by looting? Celebrants clashing with protestors?

As it turns out, none of the above. All that happened here is that some people went out and got married.

This summer, when it looked like we had marriage equality in Virginia, my friends’ overall reaction was “YAY! WOOHOO!”.

Then a few weeks later when it looked like oh-wait-maybe-not the reaction was “Really?”

So now, after a few months of upper-courts air hockey on this whole issue, we’re being told “It’s really official now! It’s actually going to stick this time!”

To which, my friends, who are not legal experts (and neither am I), reacted “Yay??”

And as for my friends who are in same sex relationships, well the world kept right on turning while all this debating was going on. And, it’s not that they aren’t thrilled about this, but, honestly? Like most people, they’re too busy taking care of the kids/business/adult life in general to publicly celebrate. And maybe they are just a little hesitant as to whether this is actually for real this time.

And as for my family, this was how the conversation with my teenage son went:

Son: “So, like, is gay marriage legal now in Virginia now, or not?”

Me: “I think it was. Then I think it wasn’t. Now I think it is, because the Supreme Court said so.”

Son: “So, like, are they finally done with it? Are they done arguing about this? Can they spend their time on other more important stuff now?”

So that pretty much sums up how the marriage equality issue has impacted my family. It has nothing to do with the definition of/sanctity of marriage. As far as my son is concerned it is just one more demonstration of our legal institutions/government spending time arguing about stuff that just isn’t important.

And this, actually, is the real issue that I have a difficult time trying to explain to my kids…

So what.

I could look out my front door and find five women better looking than me on any given day.  I mean, the mail lady is better looking than me not to mention my neighbor two doors down, the newspaper delivery woman and the girl who helped paint the house across the street.

I might not be magazine gorgeous but I am fun, clever, quick on my feet, and useful at a party. I can throw a football and eat wings with the best of them. It might surprise you that I make my husband’s lunch without complaining every day and that I meet him at the door with coffee and a clean house.

I am a loyal partner and I more than pull my weight. I don’t have a jewelry or shoe fetish unless you are talking about Swatches and Vans, which are both easily, under a hundred bucks. I am the kind of girl who can hang out in a man cave and blend in.

I am a good mother to our children most days, a great one on some days, and the rest of the days I make mediocre look magnificient, but those I chalk up to PMS and workplace fatigue, which I just made up.

All things considered, in the laundry list of daily life, surface beauty isn’t everything.

In fact, surface beauty isn’t anything.

You don’t earn it; you don’t sweat for it; you don’t go to school for it or make sacrifices for it; while I, on the other hand, have been developing my sexy personality for 40 years plus.

Beauty, when it stands alone, bores me before five minutes is up and my husband too, because let’s face it my husband loves all things Becky.

Okay that’s not exactly true, he hates the Shortie sweatshirt and he for sure can’t stand my baggy yoga pants. He hates that I throw trash right on the floor of my car and he doesn’t love the way I jam the gas pedal down then slow down to a crawl.

He hates how I put the dishes back different every time. He really can’t stand that I read every night and always fall asleep with the light on; it drives him crazy that I’m such a scaredy cat that sometimes I won’t sleep with the windows open.

He wishes I could cook and would wear heels, maybe at the same time.

I also love/hate each crazy ridiculous fact about Mike from his eating a squirrel sandwich in sixth grade to the puffy sweatshirt he wore as part of his break dancing crew to the way he insists on telling me which way to go though I have been THERE 76 times and if I hear him say that all he wants for Christmas is a pony one more time I would rip his hair out but I can’t because he has a shaved head.

But I love him and anyone who knows me at all knows that I love my man.

Thing is, when you first meet, you love the way they look and then you learn to love the way they are and act.

But you don’t know the meaning of marriage until you’ve worked your way through the ugly and in any good and truthful marriage there will be ugly and you will be responsible for some of it and if you are lucky enough you will have a partner who will work through ugly with you.

On June 1^st Mike and I will celebrate thirteen years of marriage; some good, some bad and some ugly but still happily together.

So, beautiful women, you have my full permission to flaunt yourself in front of my husband any day of the week, because we got ugly in this house and that is something to celebrate.

So a promposal is basically like a marriage proposal, except instead of asking somebody to marry you, you’re asking them to the prom.  If you search for “promposal” or “prom proposal,” it looks like the promposal ideas run the gambit.

There’s the normal “will you go to the prom with me?” type ask, accompanied by flowers, candy or a written note.

Or how about the more involved promposal involving arranged flower petals, lockers full of items of adoration, tea lights spelling out “Will you go to prom with me?”

Then there’s the more elaborate promposal (that gets closer to a marriage proposal) accompanied by jewelry with “prom” spelled out on an (expensive) ring or necklace.

Then there’s the “new generation” of promposal:  the elaborate flash mob or some other large public display that involves somebody filming it and putting on YouTube.  In the hallway.  On a sports field.  At the mall.  Staged dances that end with the “ask.”  It would rival any marriage proposal.  

Now, I did not go to prom.  But I think the idea of prom is sweet.  It’s a fun way to cap a big year and just have fun with your friends and celebrate a transition.  I get it.  People have always asked other people to prom.  There have probably always been elaborate schemes to ask somebody to prom.  

But….  a prom “proposal”?

I mean, it’s just an invitation to go to a dance right?  Shouldn’t we maybe reserve “proposal” for something a little more permanent or serious like, say, marriage?  Does this term “promposal” challenge the sacredness of the marriage proposal, at least a little bit?

And, as with many other current trends, when tradition meets technology, questions arise.  What are the pros and cons?  What changes for the asker and the askee?

I can see some pros to the promposal.  Kids can use their creativity and organizational skills to arrange such a thing.  They’d have to work hard to earn any required funds (because trust me, no money of mine is paying for a promposal.)  It would be a great memory and a story to tell (and video to show) your kids.  It would be fun and make people feel special.

But then I see cons.  As public “promposals” become a trend, it puts pressure on teens to have yet another venue to live out their life in public view.  Another piece of their life to record and put on the Internet for the world to see, to share faster than lightning via the Internet.  It also opens the door for teens to compare their experiences to other teens (an age-old tradition) and give them yet another reason to feel ‘not good enough.’  Not only can you feel bad now for not getting asked to prom, you can feel bad because you didn’t get a ‘promposal.’

But like I said.  My kids are 4 and 5.  What do I know?  Parents of prom-goers, what do you think of the promposal?

Image license:  By FrankieBugatti (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Photo Credit: Mykl Roventine

My husband and I recently celebrated our 10^th wedding anniversary.  I remember when we chose this poem by Michael Blumenthal, amid planning the minutiae of our wedding.  And we hung on every word as my dear friend read it to the congregation.

Although we considered this poem to be reflective of the ideal marriage, in retrospect, I don’t believe that either of us fully appreciated the impact of this sentiment.  At that stage in our relationship, we had not yet experienced any hardships as a couple.  I also recall naively thinking about people saying that challenging times brought people closer together, but not fully understanding that concept.  Fast forward to today, and we have seen plenty of turmoil.  And it turns out, the adage is true.  When you are with the person you were meant to ford the streams of life, challenges only strengthen the relationship.

As we consider Valentine’s Day, I hope you have someone in your life that can help you hold up the ceiling (and vice versa) to feel the relief of respite.

 A MARRIAGE

By Michael Blumenthal

You are holding up a ceiling
with both arms. It is very heavy,
but you must hold it up, or else
it will fall down on you. Your arms
are tired, terribly tired,
and, as the day goes on, it feels
as if either your arms or the ceiling
will soon collapse.

But then,
unexpectedly,
something wonderful happens:
Someone,
a man or a woman,
walks into the room
and holds their arms up
to the ceiling beside you.

So you finally get
to take down your arms.
You feel the relief of respite,
the blood flowing back
to your fingers and arms.
And when your partner’s arms tire,
you hold up your own
to relieve him again.

And it can go on like this
for many years
without the house falling.

Couples throughout the Central Virginia region can attend this Friday evening and Saturday morning seminar that inspires them to experience the kind of love and passion God desires for their relationship.

Michael and Amy will cover the following topics:

•    Why marriages are miserable

•    The secret to sexual intimacy

•    Resolving your toughest conflicts

•    Creating a marriage worth being in

•    “Celebrating Forever”

Here is a special message from Michael and Amy: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/9477470/FirstThingsFirstRichmondPromo.mov

Cost for regular tickets are $30 per person, and $35 per person after August 2.

Churches may order tickets in bulk for a reduced cost of $25 per ticket. The minimum is 20 tickets for 10 couples. The bulk tickets must be purchased by August 2 at www.firstthingsrichmond.org.

For more information and to register, visit www.firstthingsrichmond.org.

Call 804-288-3431 with questions.

Maria Shriver deserves better!

Let me get this right.

While Maria Shriver, one of the country’s most influential, sophisticated, intelligent, wealthy, and privileged American women, was carrying Arnold Schwarzenegger’s baby, her housekeeper was carrying his child too!

Maria’s second son with Arnold was born on September 27, 1997 and Mildred Baena, the housekeeper,  also gave birth to Arnold’s son just 5 days later on October 2, 1997.

Wasn’t Sandra Bullock’s betrayal shocking enough – and now this revelation!

It seems to me that being a “Kennedy” does carry it’s share of curses.

Imagine spending almost 20 years with someone who helps you take care of your house, your children, and your life — and apparently your husband – while you pay her well and trust her with some of the most personal parts of your home life. And then to find that this same person betrayed you by having an affair and a child with your husband.

Arnold’s betrayal is unthinkable to most, and as a long-time womanizer, it is not surpising that he had affairs. But with the housekeeper and right under Maria’s own roof? What was he thinking? Maria is a stunningly beautiful and well-loved woman across America. She is deserving of so much more than anything Arnold could ever have to offer.

Apparently Arnold gave Maria little notice that he was going public with the announcement of his illicit affair and child. His admission apparently only came after threats from the housekeeper that she was going public with the news because she had been fired and dismissed from the home.

The Schwarzenegger/Shriver story is now so highly publicized that we can almost feel the hurt, anger, pain, embarrassment, humiliation, and disgust that falls upon Maria. Living in California obviously comes with a very different lifestyle than the rest of the country, but that does not give anyone the right to devastate another human being in such a humiliating and hurtful way. Marriage is a bond between two people that deserves respect and dignity — and if that cannot be maintained, there are legal ways to dissolve the relationship.

To Maria, I say, hold your head high and move beyond this event. Everyone has known for years that Arnold was a womanizer — even you knew that to be true at some level. Your persistence and perseverance in an attempt to make your marriage work for the good of your family is to be commended. But now, it is time to create a new life that leaves Arnold where he belongs — alone for now.

Most everyone in the nation is behind Maria, and we know that she will rise above this and continue to be an example for women everywhere as she rebuilds her life.

Thoughts? Leave your comments below regarding this issue and let us know what Richmondmoms think about it.

Enjoy Easter with family and friends.

Easter is that fun, colorful time of year when everyone celebrates the rebirth of nature, the coming of Spring, and getting closer to summer vacation! Most schools are on Spring break the week before or after Easter, and that makes it an especially busy time for Richmondmoms and Grandmoms.

What does Easter really mean to you?

Lots of families enjoy spending time coloring eggs and placing them gently into white wicker Easter baskets filled with green, yellow and pink grass. Simple, elaborate, colorful and sparkling eggs adorn baskets, bowls, and tables. Many of these multi-colored treasures are found hanging on trees or intertwined in welcoming door wreaths.  Speckled eggs adorn purses, earrings, shoes, and hats.

And some decorative eggs are actually heavenly, chocolatey treasures filled with ooey gooey sweetness and decorative icing.

But for many people, Easter is more than colored eggs, decorated trees, wicker baskets, marshmallow bunnies, chocolate treats, and new shoes.

I asked my 8-year old granddaughter why we have Easter, and she responded, “It’s when Jesus fixed it so we can live forever and see everybody in heaven.”

For many people, Easter is an extremely religious holiday that reminds Christians around the world about the crucifixion and the beginning of eternal life for believers. It’s a time when people celebrate life and remember that every day is a gift and life is precious.

As you approach Easter weekend, think about what it means to you and your family, and remember the real meaning of the Easter holiday.

Focus on what is important in your life and consider spending your holiday weekend with family in a way that creates life-long memories and teaches children the significance of Easter celebrations. Spend some time on your Easter Sunday giving thanks for all that you have, and asking for help for all of those who need it most. Remember our friends in Japan, the victims still recovering in Haiti, and those suffering in war-torn countries. Give thanks for your freedom, children, and the beauty of nature.

Then, enjoy spending time with children in a way that takes advantage of being outdoors, active and having fun.

Make this Easter weekend a time of remembrance and celebration.

For me this year, Easter Sunday is just one week before our youngest daughter’s wedding and we give special thanks for her and her new family. There is lots of excitement in our house as we approach this special event. We will definitely create new memories and celebrate much with our daughter and her fiance, our older daughter and son-in-law, and our grandchildren as we enjoy family time together

What better way to celebrate Spring, rebirth and new life than by preparing for a special union of two people in love!

Let us know what Easter means to you by leaving a comment below. And enjoy all that the season has to offer.