Mary Beth’s kids (and her photo)

Legos. Fruit Snacks.  Trash.

I love and hate the playroom.

Dirty-clean, like a broom.

All the toilets flushed

By someone other than me.

This is my day dream.

“I need help wiping!”

I worry we will hear that

Until college years.

This boy and this girl,

Little and influential,

Make us tired parents.

“Beans for dinner, Mom!”

“I forgot I don’t like them!”

Beans are hot.  He cries.

Four and in rhythm.

He picks my favorite song.

We drum together.

Girl child, six and wild.

“I want to get my ears pierced!”

Sad.  We aren’t prepared.

Dances to Footloose.

She’s brave in the kitchen.

Creative and wise.

Twelve more years of days,

Learning and living together.

We need gratitude.

Growing like bamboo,

Green.  Fast.  We hold and rock them,

Every chance we get.

Photo via Todd Huffman, Flickr Creative Commons

It always strikes me when somebody writes, says, thinks or clearly implies that some children (usually their own) are more special than other children.

They think some children deserve special treatment, special inclusion or exclusion, or special consideration.

It stirs something in me from when I was little, growing up with my brother who is disabled. I’m told that people would look at him strange or say things, and I would defend him even at a very young age. But it also frustrated me to see him get affection from adults that was not bestowed upon me. Some adults seemed to see me as having the more special attributes, and some saw him as more special.

I have always thought we were equally special.

It also stirs something in me that is driven by the values of justice, equality and empathy.

I feel like stories pop up about this all the time.  For example, stories of parents who engage in bullying behavior against other children on behalf of their own child, or try to get a teacher to change a grade for their own child when others don’t have the same opportunity.

But this week, it’s cropping up again in stories about the measles outbreak.

Here is a quote from a doctor in the headlines this week:

The overwhelming sentiment from the medical community is that the measles vaccine is safe and effective. But Arizona cardiologist Dr. Jack Wolfson is a rare voice of dissent.

“It’s a very unfortunate thing that people die, but unfortunately people die,” Wolfson said. “And I’m not going to put my child at risk to save another child.”

Boiled down: He thinks taking a very small nonfatal risk in vaccinating his child is not worth potentially saving the life of somebody else’s child, even if hundreds of thousands of people have done it for the greater good.  He thinks his children deserve special exclusion.

For some families (who have no medical reason to not vaccinate), the fact that vaccinating their own children will protect other peoples’ children (and consequently their own children) is not a motivating factor.  Why is that?

I’m reminded of the Albert Einstein quote:
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

I feel that way about children. There are only two ways to live your life. One as if no children are special. The other is though all children are special.

I choose to see all children as special, and try to act accordingly.

I reject the idea that some children deserve special treatment and others do not.

You can’t see one child as worthy of love, affection and protection and another as not.

You can’t see one child as worthy of investment and another as not.

You can’t raise up one child who has visible gifts or talents, and ignore another child whose gifts and talents may not be as visible.

Yes, you will likely love your own children more.  Yes of course, you will not put them in harm’s way unnecessarily.  But enduring a little inconvenience or discomfort so that all children (and society) may benefit?  Yes, please.  Not approaching life decisions this way sets up a “I’m just out for me and my family” versus a “We’re all in this together for the greater good” mentality.

When the chips are down, or an epidemic is raging, or we’re electing people to public office, or a family is in crisis and needs support… which camp would you rather be in?

Yes your child is special. But mine is too.  And all the children alive today everywhere.  And we should all act in the best interest of protecting and promoting the health and well being of all children.

Because all children are special.

A collection of our free-with-meal toys, headed for the recycling bin.

Toys.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Seven years ago (i.e. before our daughter was born) we had zero toys.  Zero.

Now we have more.  A lot more. If it was up to the toys, the toys would be winning in our house.  Thank goodness I have low tolerance for clutter and sentimentality.

Over the years my feelings about toys have changed.  I used to think toys were fine and fun, and felt generally positive towards toys.  Now I think that most toys that can be bought just take up space, create waste and I feel agitated about them.

I always have to be vigilant about toys… playing with them, thanking people for them, culling them, throwing them out, donating them, reselling them.  I always feel like I might get hit by a toy tsunami, or a toy tornado.

Toys, leave me alone!

In reading up on the ‘toy problem’, I learned that the United States has 3.1% of the world’s children and 40% of the world’s toys.  It does seem like, in the U.S. at least, we are letting the toys win.  To boot, the toys (and all the other clutter) are distracting us from things that really matter in life (i.e., not toys) and are stressing us out and perhaps making us sick.

Perhaps I should rephrase:  Toys, leave US alone!

I want to get angry at the people who make the toys, and sell the toys, and resell the used toys, and market the toys to my kids any way they can.  However, while I feel they should make more ethical decisions and they do share in the blame, they are just doing what business people have always done.  Try to make a buck.

Then I want to get angry at society.  After all, we as a collective group are buying the toys that the makers/marketers/sellers/resellers are peddling.  We are perpetuating that more toys is better, that ownership and possession are important.  Yes, society is to blame.

But the journey of a thousand steps begins with just one.  The only way society will change is by individuals deciding to change, one by one.  And the only way manufacturers will change is through the laws of supply and demand.  If we demand less, they will supply less.

So the change starts with me.

I vow to do a better job at giving non-toy gifts.

I have started ordering non-toy-containing food for our kids at restaurants or requesting that the toy be left out.

I re-gift many toys gifted to our kids that I know they won’t play with or value.

Toys:  Hear me now.  You will not win.

Wikimedia Commons

Our family has rediscovered The Andy Griffith Show, Bewitched and Leave It To Beaver.  Opie and the Beaver remind us of our own little guy.  While the past wasn’t perfect, these shows make us reminisce about  childhood and talk about what we’d like to see change.

Here are some ‘old time’ trends that should perhaps make a comeback!  (Thanks to my hubby for helping me refine the list!)

1. Sending the kids #OutsideToPlay.  It’s kind of magic how June Cleaver tells the Beave to go outside, and he actually does it for hours, discovering his neighborhood and learning lessons on his own. Gauging from the number of kids I see at the bus stop that I never see any time else, I’m sure there are other families who’d like to kick the kids out of the house more.
2. Having #TeaWithLadies.  I treasure my time with other women and moms.  Female friends are such an important source of comfort and support.  I want more time with them!  Tea anybody?  I’ll even wear an A-line dress and high heels!
3. Eating #Sandwiches at home for lunch. Eating sandwiches, i.e., not wraps or Dorito tacos or Big Macs or $5 fast food heart attack bags.  At home, i.e., not on the go, not in your car.  For lunch.  It sounds simple and fresh and cheaper; let’s do this more!
4. Reading #TheNewspaper.  When June and Ward sit together (without the TV on) and read the newspaper together, it makes a lovely, calming scene.   Newspapers today could use the business, and it would do us all good to be more informed about current events.  Let’s get our read on!
5. #CallingEachOther on the telephone.  Remember doing this?  Like, all the time?  More and more it seems we actually call each other as a last resort.  Maybe it should be the first!  (And texting the back-up.)
6. Having #FamilyNight.  My family rocks!  I’m sure yours does too!  We only have 18 years living under one roof together.  One night a week to focus on each other should trend for all 18 years.
7. Having simple #BirthdayPartiesAtHome.  You invite friends to your house for your birthday party.  They dress up and come over.  You play a few games and you have cake and ice cream.
8. #OpeningPresents at the birthday party.  A child who gives another child a gift should share in the joy of their friend opening the present they gave.  I’ve been to too many parties for young children where this doesn’t happen “because there’s not time.”  Let’s bring this back, please.
9. #LimitingGifts.  Besides birthdays and gift-giving holidays like Christmas, no gifts.  Any other things that kids want, they have to earn the money and buy it themselves.  This trend would also mean that grandparents don’t “spoil” the children, and that there are no toys given with meals.  Also, no ‘treat bags’ for every holiday.  (#StopTheMadness)
10. #KeepItDecent and #NoCussing.  I’m not even sure how to qualify this, except more 7-year-olds have likely heard cuss words and seen violence or sexy stuff than Beaver had at that age.  Also, technology seems to fuel fires of negativity and isolation.  Let’s treat each other with respect, consideration, and common decency.

Bonus:  Let’s all trend #love, #peace, #hope and #kindness.

Those should never go out of style.

@ Kevin Dooley, via Flickr Creative Commons

First, Happy New Year to all!  While the New Year is a magic time for some, you fellow parents know that better than any New Year is the ‘Magic Time’ when your household is at peace and you’re not being asked to stretch beyond your ability to cope with the challenges that little kids bring.

When our son was born, our daughter was almost two.  I frequently used the word ‘crazy’ to describe our days.  I have somewhat-blurry (but still present!) memories of two children in diapers crying at the same time for completely different reasons.  On multiple occasions, I remember nursing one baby, helping the other go potty, while cooking and doing laundry without any cross-contamination.

I loved and relished all the experiences, but the challenges associated with feeding, crying, and sleeping caused painful bursts in my brain and chest.  Figuring out how to cope and respond on some… most… days was unlike anything I’ve experienced.  The aftermath of parenting through sleep-related challenges, while functioning on little to no sleep, may be very akin to post-traumatic stress.

So yeah.  The word ‘crazy’ may be perfect.

Now they are four and six (with birthdays coming in the Spring), and as I type, I am sitting in our new couch, relaxing with my husband, listening to the beautiful quiet peace of our children playing together nicely and watching a cartoon in the play room.  All after a night when everybody slept in their own bed all night.

This is the definition of the Magic Time.  It is a beautiful thing.  It is the type of day I was unsure would ever come.

Back in those ‘crazy’ days, my friend Alicia (who had been in the parenting trenches a few years before me) calmly reassured me:  “You will hit a Magic Time.  I promise.  Around the age of four, something happens and it all gets easier.”  Truly, her words gave me hope.  I’ve thought about them through the years.  On every good day I would think, “Is this the Magic Time Alicia talked about?”

Do not get me wrong.  In some way, life with our children has been magic since they were born.  Every time I hold my babies is like holding a dream in my arms.

But to fellow parents of very little people, I don’t need to explain “Magic Time.”  I’m certain you know what I’m talking about. Wink wink, nod nod.  But if you need a definition, “Magic Time” is when everybody in your house is able to, more or less, meet their own immediate needs, to get along with each other, and respond and cope with stress.

My husband just went upstairs and whispered, “Don’t wreck the Force.”  Wink wink, nod nod.  We know what we’re talking about.

We can afford this couch because we’re paying almost the lowest amount we’ll pay for daycare.  My husband and I get to spend time on the couch together because the kids are getting along, can get their own drinks, and can go potty by themselves.  I may get to watch my Sunday morning show I love with little interruption and no guilt.

Magic Time.

It won’t be like this all day.  Then the kids will start wrestling and fighting, they’ll both spill their milk on the floor, somebody will say they hate the food I make for them.  It won’t be Magic Time all day, but yes.  We have Magic Time more and more often.

So if you are struggling through diapering, feeding, sleeping, crying or any other small-child related challenges, I am hear to share the message of hope.  There will be Magic Time in your future. More and more.  The clouds will break when your youngest is around the age of four.

(Thanks, Ms. Alicia.)

Otis and Barbie, probably discussing the Tacky Lights of RVA

Last night, my husband and I had an interesting conversation about Christmas traditions in our house.  I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say, we had different perspectives on whether we had many and what they were.  Ultimately he conceded that I had good points.  We may not go a-caroling, or cut down our own tree Griswald family style, or roast chestnuts on an open fire.  Or build a fire.  But we have many traditions darn it!

Looking at the definition (a la Google), some we carry on from our families, but most are adapted or recently adopted, and I say – they count!

For example:

• We buy the cheap Advent calendars at the drug store that have the tiny chocolates, and we let the kids pop them open each morning before we leave the house.  Chocolate starts the day off right!
• We have a vast collection of Christmas and holiday books, and read at least one every night during December.  I have almost memorized Gingerbread Mouse.
• Otis and Snoopy Jack, our elves on the shelf (or shelves?) visit and get into some mischief or another.  Those cooky jokester geniuses crack me up!
• Our daycare hosts a Christmas pageant.  This was sadly our last year with a child in the pageant, but it has always been what puts me in the spirit each year.
• We “deck the halls” with new and handed-down decorations.  My son loves the Nutcracker the best, and my daughter loves the angel that goes on the top of the tree.  We bought her two years ago at the Garden Ridge.

Speaking of Garden Ridge…. (how often do you hear that as a segue?)

A growing number of our family holiday traditions are tied to Richmond.  We moved from Oklahoma City which we loved, but I think RVA wins in the “doing Christmas with gusto” category.  I mean, the Richmond Tacky Light house decorators are awesome, and the tours have their own apps, maps and websites!  Say what?  The tacky lights of Richmond are really a local treasure.  We LOVE driving around to look at them every year!  That may be the very definition of holiday awesomeness.

Also, I think one way to spell holidays in Richmond may be S A N T A.  There are so many cool ways to hang out with Santa!  Our kids love going to see Santa at the Chesterfield Berry Farm market.  Now that I’ve let out this well-kept secret, maybe it won’t be so enjoyable!  But Santa is picture perfect, you can take pictures at your own pace, and buy some locally grown produce at the same time!

I know there other things I want us to try.  The light display at Lewis Ginter gardens. The living nativity at the zoo.  But what else?

RVA families, what are your favorite Christmas and holiday family traditions?  What should be on our RVA holiday bucket list?  Because while we do have some fabulous annual family Christmas and holiday traditions, I’m always open to a picking up a new one.

Need some ideas? Click here for a great list of things to do in Richmond during the holidays.

It is only one of a series of symptoms of feeling…. older, or at least different in a more mature kind of way.  I’ll share a few more symptoms.

• Recently, I requested a lower-level floor at a hotel.  And I try to avoid bridges. Because being high up makes my head feel more swimmy than my younger days.
• Those kids – they just play their music too loud!  Turn it down!
• I have no clue who most of the people are on music awards shows.
• I have no idea what movies are playing at the theater.
• I call the movie place a “theater.”
• That 90’s music… that’s where it’s at!  Where is the decent oldies radio station!?
• I overuse words like “cool” and “sweet” with full cognizance that I don’t think hip people use those words any more.  They probably don’t say ‘hip’ either.
• I am a sustaining member of NPR.
• I’ve adopted the stance that daily showering and shampooing is overrated.
• AARP sends me junk mail.  I open it.  I think, “Maybe I should consider joining!”
• My doctor is younger than me.  It weirds me out a little.
• The gray hair.  I mean, the sparkly hair….  it just won’t quit.
• I pull the ‘mom card’ on kids that are not my own.
• All I want to read in my spare time lately are fiction mysteries by female authors, especially if they involve quilts or female friendships.
• I cannot sleep without warm socks on.

It is perhaps possible that these are not symptoms of growing older.  Perhaps they are just symptoms of a full life with little room for distractions.  Perhaps I’m just growing wiser, becoming more European, or channeling my inner hippie.  Probably all of the above.

But the fact remains.  There are wrinkles beside my lips that only straighten out if I pull my skin to the side, and a few more wrinkles on my forehead that don’t go away no matter if I tug and pull or not.  And it’s weird because I am not anti-wrinkle.  But I am learning that I guess I am more vain than I thought.  Given the choice, I’d rather not have the wrinkles.  Yet.

So, this morning I was wondering… to buy or not to buy?

Well, as I type, I just received a beauty treatment by my 6-year-old and 4-year old.  They lovingly applied lipstick, blush, and eyeshadow.  One eye has purple and the other blue.  After putting my glasses back on me, my daughter exclaimed:  “Mommy, you are beautiful.”

Well, so maybe I won’t buy that wrinkle cream quite yet.

Ebola.  The mid-term elections.  Terrorism.  The list goes on.

As you can imagine many of the shared posts were not from reputable news organizations.  Many stories contained blatantly wrong information, were embarrassingly inflammatory and negative, or took something so out of context as to make it borderline libel.

Yes, many were about the President.  Or some other elected official.  Or some government-funded organization.

Oh, by the way, most of the posts I’m talking about were from women who are also mothers, and from men who are also fathers.

I fully admit that I have shared political posts.  I try to share posts about issues that I care about, not about specific people or organizations.  Focusing on issues instead of people tends to result in actually interesting conversation and debate.  But I’ve toned down all my posting about politics and social issues because, well, it sucks the fun out of Facebook and, frankly, out of valued friendships.

Now I can’t claim to know what my Facebook mom friends say to their kids or do in their households.  But I like to imagine that most moms are trying to foster a healthy view of America and the President.  Because that is what American moms who love their country do and have always done.

Why can’t we do that on Facebook?

The older I get, the more I appreciate and love our country.  I feel a responsibility, as a mom, to pass that love of country and our political system to my children.  Is it perfect?  No.  Because it’s run the people, and nobody is perfect.  But most of it works most of the time and when it doesn’t, the power changes hands, and we try again.  I have great respect for that.

I can’t wait to take our kids to Washington, DC, to show them the White House and Capitol, and they are excited to go because they’ve been taught to love America and its symbols.

So when I am about to post a political type thing on Facebook, I start to ask myself:  Would my kids be proud of me for posting this?  Would your kids be proud of you for posting what you post about politics and the President?  Is it in line with your love of Country?  Are you modeling how you’d like them to be behave as citizens of this great country?

In addition, are we teaching our kids how to engage in a healthy debate?  How not to resort to negative attacks or false accusations?  Are we teaching them how to collaborate to find solutions, rather than pride themselves on ‘sticking to their guns’ and not compromising?

We could use more of that approach in our current and future leaders.

Don’t those lessons and behaviors begin at home?

Image courtesy of Bob Jagendorf / Flickr Creative Commons

I am a working woman and mom.  The news this week that two giant tech companies, Facebook and soon Apple, will be offering female employees paid coverage for freezing eggs (yep, the ones from their ovaries) as a “perk” struck me as very concerning.  Is it sending the right message?

What if, when I applied for my state job, it listed among the perks:  “As an added bonus, if you are an employee, we will pay for you to freeze eggs taken from your ovaries so you can delay childbearing!”

Ummmm….  is this good news?

Now I love employee perks and extra benefits.  Like, because I am a state employee, I did not have to pay a fee to join the YMCA! Perks are nice extra benefits that make your life a little easier and convenient., and often relate to the company’s message and vision.  Like, my YMCA perk reinforces that the State values the health and fitness of employees.

I work in the health field and am a vocal advocate of reproductive health and rights.  I personally believe men and women should have the right and opportunity to decide if and when to have a child and they should have access to affordable tools to help them accomplish their reproductive goals.

But……this new perk raises some serious questions that require examination.

Is there really a growing demand for this type of procedure, or is industry trying to create one?

And if there is a growing demand for this… why?  Are more women truly wanting to delay childbearing?  Or are they responding to a workplace or societal expectation?

And who wins from this deal?  Companies, or women and families?

I am not sure this “perk” truly has the intent of promoting reproductive health or sending the message that these companies value women’s choice. Are they also covering all costs related to birth control?  To fertility treatments?  To abortions?  To pregnancy, labor and delivery, and related health complications?  To paid maternity and paternity leave?  To in-house, affordable or free daycare?

To me, what these companies are really saying is, “Even though you are at the height of your reproductive life cycle right now, we want you to focus on your work with us, so we are offering this perk to encourage you to delay childbearing! We’ll even help you do that by freezing your eggs which costs a lot of money, so we’re really invested in this idea! Trust us, it’s best for you AND the company!”

or

“We promote work-life balance by helping you continue to delay your ‘life’ goals and focus more on the ‘work’ part.”

Also, let’s face it, they are not offering this ‘perk’ to teenagers. These are professional women who likely have been through lots of education and are in their mid-twenties to early thirties, which is coincidentally the safest time in a woman’s life to have a baby.  This is the part you knew was coming where I bring up that reproductive risk increases with a woman’s age, especially past age 35.  The science does not lie.  People were not designed to have children later in life, especially if they have other health risks.  The risk increases for prematurity, chromosomal abnormality, and miscarriage.

Should companies, and us as a society, be encouraging women to delay and delay and delay childbearing until the “perfect moment”? There is no perfect moment. Or should companies and society meet women and men and families where they are and provide “perks” that truly promote a work-life balance?

Freezing eggs is very expensive, but so is daycare, maternity leave, and everything else that comes with raising kids.  How about offering $15,000+ worth of assistance to whatever a woman or man needs to reach their reproductive goals?  That way, if a woman wants to use her money to freeze eggs, great! Or if a couple needs fertility treatment, use it for that! Or if a woman who is pregnant has to go on bed rest, great!  She can use the money to support her family during that stressful time.

After all, when each one of us is on our deathbed, none of us will say we wish we had worked harder.  But almost all of us will say “I wish I had more time with my family/children.”

photo courtesy of https://www.flickr.com/photos/indraw/

Dear My Second Child,

I love you more than you could ever know, but I want you to know that I’m fully cognizant that you being the second child has impacted my life and yours.  So much so, that I feel compelled to apologize for it.

I am sorry that I have not memorized the names of all of your preschool classmates.  Nor do I even recognize most of their parents.  With your sister, I reached out to and befriended my new preschool parent posse.  But rest assured that now, I pass by all parents equally in a zombie like state.

My brain is just too full of other stuff.  I am not superhuman.

I am sorry that, too soon, we abandoned those board books, nursery rhymes, and lullabies.  Now you are forced to endure more advanced books as your sister learns to read.  On second thought, scratch that.  Perhaps while moving on from lullabies is sad, more advanced stuff is good for your brain.

Trust me kid, build your brain while you still can.

But I am sorry, my dear second child, that there aren’t as many pictures of you.  True, I do have hundreds, but when your sister was four, there was probably a hundred more of her at that age.  I have lost my real camera, and my smart phone died, and I can’t figure out how to get pictures off my new iPhone.

Get used to it, kid.  Just accept that you will be the one to help me learn new technology from this point forward.

My sweet little boy, I’m sorry that I still carry you and hold you like a baby even when you laugh and giggle and say, “Stop it, Mom!”.  You see, your sister is getting too big for me to do that, and you’re still small and light.  And you’ll have to forgive me if I give you a long hug even if it embarrasses you in front of your buds.

I know you’re a big boy, but you’re my last baby and I’m trying to savor it.  It just comes with the territory of being my second kid. Sorry :).

Love,

Mom