I try to be a good person and on some days I succeed, most days I fail miserably, just ask my family, my friends, my kids, or my students.

But I try and I have always had grandiose plans so when I first saw the quote from Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” I imagined feeding the homeless, joining the peace corps, becoming a CEO at age 42 and giving huge amounts of cash to kids in need.

However….I am now 43 and the only thing I’m CEO of is my little house on Parkwood Avenue and even that’s debatable.  I’ve never traveled farther than New York City and I might be on the receiving end of a few charitable donations myself if I’m not careful with my funds.

Change is pretty much all I got and by that I mean the silver kind that clinks in your pocket.

Thankfully over the years of my adulthood I have learned that the most important change often starts small and begins at home.

Change starts with my little people I work with at the preschool every day.

The teacher I work with and I, teach our kids how to share; how to be kind and wait their turn; how to sit still and just be for a bit; how to follow direction and work with others, how to be brave and daring and think outside the box and how to be okay with not getting what they want when they want it.

And that’s all before snack time.

Change starts with the way you treat your neighbor, your teammate, your co-workers, or the car next to you in traffic.

Change starts at my catering job where I wait on people and treat them with kindness.  A guest the other night thanked me for caring about them enough to give them good service and it was the best tip I took home all night.

Change starts in my home.  I will be sending two young men out into the world who I hope know how to treat people right, who are kind and aware and will be of service to others.

So while I might not be Bill Gates handing out checks and building small villages, Bill Gates isn’t me either.  Bill Gates isn’t in my class, or in my car, or in my neighborhood, at my work, or in my home, which is a good thing because we don’t have room for one more person in this place.

So practice love in the most practical of ways because while it’s not big dollar bills and it won’t make the news, it certainly might make someone’s day.

Sooner or later all that change adds up and pretty soon you’ve got a whole jarful and your life is as rich as the most generous philanthropist even if your bank account is not.

“No Stone is Too Big” courtesy of madhan r, flickr creative commons https://www.flickr.com/photos/flickcoolpix/

This time of year is always stressful in our house.  Work picks up  when  everybody starts scheduling meetings and conferences after the lull of the winter .  The kids’ birthdays are in the spring which entails planning headaches fun.  There’s lots of stuff to schedule and get done.  Also, we all cycle through allergies or a cold.

In general, we are prickly with each other.

Last week our prickliness was too much for me.  One evening I heard myself strongly saying to my dear hubby, “I need you to be a rock I can lean on, rather than a rock I have to push up hill!”

I’m a sucker for a helpful analogy.  This is one of the best my brain has created in a while. When I said that, it felt like exactly what I needed him to hear.

Ever since that conversation, I keep going back to that analogy.  Is he being a rock I have to push up hill, or a rock I can lean on?  Which kind of rock am I being?  It’s a helpful framework that can help us discuss how we’re feeling as we work through something together (like, say, life.)

We can say things to each other like…

“Right now, I feel like you’re in ‘rock’ mode and not in a good way!”

“I feel like I’m having to push you up hill!  Can you just help me instead of be a barrier?”

“Thanks for handling that.  That’s the kind of rock I need!”

I know he wants to be a rock for me to lean on, and I want to be a rock he can lean on.  Neither of us wants to be the rock that adds to the other’s load to push up the hill.

As we all travel through life with other people, there are lots of flat spaces, hills and mountains.  I am really grateful to have a partner with whom I can navigate all the terrain, which after ten years of marriage, we are still learning how to do.

photo credit: Bindaas Madhavi

I have been very inspired by TED Talks lately. You can also check out my previous article on 10 TED Talks for Renewal. TED Talks are presentations from passionate, brilliant and innovative individuals in a variety of fields.  You can read more about this non-profit organization and their mission to spread ideas by exhibiting powerful, engaging presentations.  Each presentation is 18 minutes or less, and well worth the investment. Here is a compilation of my top 10 favorite TED Talks for parents. Some are funny, some are informative, and all are inspiring.

10. Nancy Frates: Meet the mom who started the bucket challenge

Meet the inspirational mom who started the ice bucket challenge to raise awareness for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) — and how this mission impacted her and her family.

9. Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar

Jennifer Senior discusses the significant changes in our roles as parents and the ways in which our expectations of happiness in our children is a difficult aspiration.

8. Colin Stokes: How movies teach manhood

Colin Stokes, shares his thoughts on how cinema provides role models for both boys and girls and the ways in which we should consider male and female roles in movies and their effect on our children.

7. Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: Let’s talk parenting taboos

Husband-and-wife team, and publishers of Babble.com, offer a forthright and humorous look at parenting taboos as well as parenting expectations.

6. Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter

Poet, Sarah Kay, through her unique style, shares what lessons she would share with her future daughter. 

5. Julia Sweeney: It’s time for “The Talk”

A hilarious talk about the “birds and the bees” inspired by Julia Sweeney’s 8-year-old daughter. You won’t want to miss this one.

4. Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic

Comic, Kevin Breel, offers a serious glimpse into his life when he first realized he had depression as a high school student.

3. Adora Svitak: What adults learn from kids

Author and child prodigy, Adora Svitak encourages adults to be empowered by children – and to ask children some powerful questions. An advocate for “reciprocal learning”, she encourages us all to consider what children can teach adults.

2. Steven Addis: A father-daughter bond, one photo at a time

Photographer and writer, Steven Addis, shares his experience taking the same photo with his daughter throughout her childhood and the power of creating memories.

1. Bruce Feiler: The council of dads

In this moving talk, Bruce Feiler, an accomplished writer shares his vision of enlisting “A council of dads” after his diagnosis of cancer to impart their wisdom to his daughters as they grow up.

There are many ways to get TED Talks. Click here if you would like to browse the TED archives for other topics. It is also easy to follow TED Talks via apps and social media. My favorite way to view TED Talks is via the free app for iPhone, where I can bookmark or download my favorites. The app is interactive, so I can even specify how much time I can commit at the moment and request a certain topic to watch.

TED Talks videos, logos and visuals highlighted here are untouched and unedited. All video and images of TED Talks are copyrighted by TED and are used here under the Creative Commons license.

Did any of these TED Talks resonate with you as a parent? Which one is your favorite?

Girl playing pretend. Not me. Source: Flickr creative commons https://www.flickr.com/photos/oakleyoriginals/

Have you caught yourself asking a child (likely your own), “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Where did that phrase come from?  When I heard it come out of my mouth I thought…  Why am I asking my child a question that I don’t even know the answer to for myself?

“When you grow up.”  Ha.

My four year old son has lots of answers – and I don’t think I’ve even asked him the question!  He wants to be a police man, basketballer, and super hero.

My daughter?  I don’t remember her answer because I think I’ve only asked her once, vowing to not ask her again.  But I know she’s good at drawing, writing, math and is very good at teaching and facilitating things.

Yes I overthink things.  And maybe I’m overthinking this.  But I think “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a question fraught with problems.

First it assumes you are going to have one thing you do in life to make money or contribute to society in some way, and that one thing is the only thing that you will be forever and ever.

Second, it assumes there is a line between non-grown-up and grown-up and that when you cross the line into “grown up” you should be that one thing.

Third, I think it sets up a framework where you impose on children that they expend a lot of time and energy aiming for that ‘one thing’.

It just seems so limiting, and limitless at the same time.  A conundrum.  Poor little kids.

The reality today is that most people will have 11 to 12 jobs before they settle on a single job or career that they stick with through retirement.

For me, here are all the things I’ve been:  pizza maker and order taker, Peace Corps volunteer / health educator, research assistant, secretary, early childhood home visitor, public health program evaluator, program supervisor, project coordinator, grant writer, and program manager.  Yes eventually my ‘things’ coalesced around the health field, which now that it’s a pattern of increasing responsibilities, I think I can safely call it a “career.”

But what else am I?  A mother, a wife, a daughter, a neighbor, a writer, a PTA member, and a friend.

And I wanted, at some point, to be each of those things.

I think it’s wonderful to set goals in life.  That is the intention of the question.  We think it’s a good question because it asks kids to think about the future and how they might get there.  Maybe better questions would be, “What do you enjoy doing?  What are you good at?  What are you now?  What things do you think you’ll want to do when you’re older?  How will you want to help people or make money?”

Come to think of it, those questions are pretty good for us adults who don’t quite feel like we’ve grown up yet.

And also… most people will do something at some point to earn money, but we are all so much more than that.

Starting solids is a fun rite of passage for both parents and babies… but those little packages can feel really wasteful not to mention it gets expensive quick!

Relay Foods, Chop Suey Books, Franklin Goose and Hip to be Round are hosting a free baby food demo at the Hip to be Round store in Carytown.

You’ll learn how to make your own baby food, hear tips, watch the process and taste the final product.
In addition to learning a thing or two you’ll  have a chance to meet other moms, win door prizes and get a discount on nursing apparel.

DIY Baby Food Demo
Thursday, March 26, 2015
6:30pm
Hip to be Round in Carytown
3124 W. Cary Street
Richmond, va 23221
No RSVP necessary.

Hip to be Round is a sponsor of Richmondmom

photo credit: Adrian Pimpam

Sleep is important for our overall health. Sleep affects mood, energy levels, productivity, and mental clarity.  Recent studies also indicate the amount of sleep can impact weight gain/loss. So whether you are having difficulty catching those zzzzz’s, or just don’t feel rested, try a few of these strategies to see if your counting sheep days are over.

1. Create a bedroom oasis.

One of the most important things to consider is creating a bedroom oasis, where you can relax and rest. I don’t know about you, but too often laundry, papers, or other distractions try to worm their way into my bedroom. It’s best to leave these influences behind, since they are not part of creating a relaxing retreat. Decor should also be serene and uncluttered.

2. Establish a calming evening routine.

Once you have created your bedroom oasis, it is beneficial to establish an evening routine that you find relaxing. To learn more about how to create a calming evening routine, check out this article.

3. Develop and maintain technology boundaries.

As part of establishing the calming evening routine that is right for you, some experts recommend no television in the bedroom. My husband and I agreed when we were married that we would leave the television in the living room. For us, that has been an easy decision to maintain over the years, but the distractions such as the laundry listed in #1 have been more challenging for us to overcome as a family!

If you do choose to have a television in your bedroom, try to turn off the tube at least an hour before you go to bed. Same goes for computers, tablets, and smart phones. Read here if you want to learn more about blue light and how electronic devices may have a negative effect on sleep.

4. Try a few apps.

Yes, I know what I just said about technology in the bedroom, but these exceptions may be helpful to you. I have used all three of these apps and I have found them to be extremely beneficial, so see if one of them might be right for you.

• iSleep Easy – Meditations for Restful Sleep
  • Choice of 9 guided meditations, which can be combined with music or nature sounds.
  • This app allows you to combine sounds with music.
  • 3 music choices and 6 nature sounds

   

• Simply Being – Guided Meditation for Relaxation and Presence
  • Good basic music choices, with the added benefits of guided meditation.

• Relax Melodies – Sleep & Yoga
  • By far, the relaxation/sleep app with the most diverse playlist. Music and other sounds range from everything from Gregorian Chants to sounds of the seashore or a vacuum cleaner.
  • This app allows you to combine sounds, with music, say, a lullaby with white noise and a heart beat for a baby’s ears or a mix of ocean waves, seagulls and sounds of foghorns for a beachy mix.
  • Other nice features include favorites and timers.
  • 52 nature sounds or melodies

5. Check out the new sleep guidelines.

The National Sleep Foundation has updated their guidelines on How Much Sleep We Need. Check out this Infographic to see the amount of sleep considered appropriate for you and your family.

Disclaimer: If you have concerns regarding sleep, please check with your doctor for information specific to you or your family’s needs.

photo credit: B. Fernari

Mary Beth’s kids (and her photo)

Legos. Fruit Snacks.  Trash.

I love and hate the playroom.

Dirty-clean, like a broom.

All the toilets flushed

By someone other than me.

This is my day dream.

“I need help wiping!”

I worry we will hear that

Until college years.

This boy and this girl,

Little and influential,

Make us tired parents.

“Beans for dinner, Mom!”

“I forgot I don’t like them!”

Beans are hot.  He cries.

Four and in rhythm.

He picks my favorite song.

We drum together.

Girl child, six and wild.

“I want to get my ears pierced!”

Sad.  We aren’t prepared.

Dances to Footloose.

She’s brave in the kitchen.

Creative and wise.

Twelve more years of days,

Learning and living together.

We need gratitude.

Growing like bamboo,

Green.  Fast.  We hold and rock them,

Every chance we get.

A mom in Hobart, Tasmania wanted to breathe some new life into old toys and accidentally stumbled upon something that a touched a nerve for a lot of parents.  Beautiful dolls without all the exaggerated make up.

Sonia Singh removes dirt and facial features from second hand dolls with nail polish remover and hand paints in new, softer features and replaces high heeled feet with flats.

After much encouragement she shared her dolls on Tumblr and from there, she went viral.

We’re excited to see that Singh will be opening up a Tree Change Dolls Etsy shop Feb. 15, 2015.  We’ll be sure to update when it’s open!

Take a look at some of these incredible Tree Change Dolls transformations:

The tooth!! I love it!

Watch an interview here:

Tell us what you think! Would you buy one? Does the hyper-sexualization of Bratz dolls and Barbie bother you or do you feel like they’re harmless?

Find Tree Change Dolls on Tumbr

Tree Change Dolls Facebook

Trying to parent your kid while fighting with your ex reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost, “The Road Not Taken”, but in the fighting version of the poem where the roads diverge, each parent takes a different path as well as one arm of their kid.

Then they start pulling.

There was no handbook at age 22 when I got divorced and if there was I wouldn’t have read it.  For such a young and relatively selfish human being I managed to do more right than most would have expected of me but I did a lot of things wrong.

A lot.

One story ended up with me on a bar floor, a cigarette butt stuck to my cheek and police being called to restrain me as I fist fought with my ex husband’s new girlfriend. While I have never been afraid to tell my own stories or examine my own faults, I never thought it right to write about my ex’s.  That was one of those “me managing to do the right thing” moments.

My son is now 22 and I decided it was time to talk, but only if I had something good to say.

When my ex and I were married and my dad was dying outside our bedroom door, my ex spent countless hours drinking coffee with my dad who was at the time pretty much talking gobbeldy gook.

My ex went to work with my three brothers every day and threw pizza dough in the air starting at 4 o’clock in the morning to make money for our family.

I repeat, 4 o’clock in the morning.

My ex gave up his band, his house, the company of his friends, and life in the city to move back to the suburbs and into my family home with my entire family including my dying dad.

My ex was at times an amazing dad and he still makes my son laugh.

If you have nothing good to go back to then I’m sorry for you and your kids but don’t curse your ex anyway, instead, thank them for coming into your life long enough to create your kid with you.

Stop fighting over every little thing, such as the food your children eat, the homework they forgot to have them do, the L.L. Bean jacket that didn’t make it back, the amount of television time or what rated movie they watched.

Your kid won’t fall apart if they eat one un-organic yogurt or spend the weekend watching Wizards of Waverly Place.  In the matter of you versus your ex, it doesn’t matter who’s right.

In most cases, both of you are probably a little bit wrong, except for in mine where I was always right.

Wait, did I just write that?

See, it’s a work in progress.

Your ex’s family did not divorce you.  Foster a good relationship with your child’s other side of the family.  Be thankful that there are more people in the world that love your kid than just you and your immediate.

If you hate your ex then wait till the day your kid becomes an adult and you look at him and all you see is your ex.  Your child shares attributes from both your gene pools, attributes from your ex that you once thought it appropriate to get in bed with.

If you can’t manage to like your ex, then go for neutral.

In divorce world, neutral goes a long way.

Never talk about your ex to your kid.  It isn’t right and once a year is one time too many.

You do not get a pass for bad behavior just because your ex is the spawn of Satan, if he is then one day your child will figure that out on his or her own.

It will not be a joyous day; it will be one of the saddest days of their lives and therefore yours as well.

After two decades of being divorced, the moments I am most proud of are those in which I did the right thing.  And the ones I did wrong linger always like a bad rash in my arsenal of guilt

You will have fights, disagreements, and arguments and it will be a work in progress but your kid is the masterpiece you are trying to protect so pull up your sleeves and sweat a little.

Try to treat your ex with as much respect as you can muster, he or she might not deserve it but there’s someone in your house who does.

That once-tiny child who used to cry when you left him at preschool is now an outgoing and independent 16-year-old who is ready to start — gulp — driving on his own. As most parents of young drivers know, teaching a child to drive is as much a rite of passage for the adult as the teen.

As a parent of a fledgling driver, you definitely walk a fine line. You want to emphasize the importance of safe, smart driving but also want to avoid the use of scary statistics that may just serve to alienate your teen. You don’t want your teen to ignore your great advice about driving because you peppered it with too many grim facts. Research the statistics for your own knowledge, and then use the underlying message behind these numbers to teach your teen to be a safe, courteous and responsible driver.

Create a Drive Solo Rule

The risk of being in a car accident is highest among 16- to 19-year-olds, according to the CDC. In fact, they are three times more likely as people 20 and over to be in a motor vehicle crash. While males are twice as likely as females to be involved in an accident when they are 16 to 19, those with teenage passengers in the car are also at an increased risk. Some things are out of your control, but you can dictate how many people can be in the car with your teenage driver.

For the first few months your teen has his license, do not allow him to drive other teen passengers. After six months or so, you might allow one trusted friend to ride in the car too. This rule will eliminate the distraction present with a car full of rowdy teens.

Create a No Texting Rule

Do not text and drive — either of you.

Like most teens, your kid always has a phone in his hands. Texting while steering a two-ton steel machine down the road though… that’s a big no-no.

Texting and Driving Safety has created a thought-provoking infographic. Thirty-four percent of teens say they have texted while behind the wheel. As for why they do it — in some cases, it’s because they’ve seen their folks do it too. Fifteen percent of teens have seen a parent text and drive and 27 percent of adults have sent or received texts while behind the wheel. To reduce the chance of your teen texting while driving, be a good role model. In addition, you might consider installing a dash cam in the car, at least for the first year. And have your teen sign a contract that he will keep both thumbs on the wheel, not the phone.

Study (or Brush Up on) the Road Rules

Refresh your memory on road rules while helping your teen study for the driver’s permit test. In addition to helping your teen increase his chances of passing, it will also help to refresh your own memory on the rules of the road. A whopping 72 percent of teens fail their driving test the first time, according to Driving-Tests.org. Increase your teen’s chance of passing and encourage him to take practice exams, and read through the questions. The practice will boost your own knowledge and skills too.