By Dr. Elizabeth M. Vantre

You learned through a parent volunteer that not only did your child’s class get a visit from the ice cream truck for good behavior, but your child got the only A+ on the science test.  Why is it then when your child gets off the bus, you excitedly ask, “how was school,” only to receive a simple, “fine”?  You follow with “What did you do today,” only to receive every mom’s favorite response “stuff.”  The eight hours your child has been gone, a time that was likely filled with a plethora of new experiences, is summed up in one lonely syllable.

Try these tools to elicit more than one word responses from your child:

•    Give your children a chance to decompress.  Give them an opportunity to get a snack and run around for a bit before specifically asking them about their day.  Tell them how great it is to see them when they bounce off of the bus and save the questions for later.

•     Ask open-ended questions.  Questions such as “how was school” or “how are you” lend themselves to one word responses.  Try open-ended questions such as “tell me about school today” or “tell me about the playground at recess.”  Refrain from following up with specific questions like “did you like your teacher,” but rather try open ones such as “tell me about your teacher.”  When picking up my 8 year old from his first day at a brand new school recently, his older siblings peppered him with specific questions only to receive one-word general responses.  When I interjected with “tell me about…” my twelve year old groaned, “Mom ALWAYS says that and I never know what to say.”  While true that he may have to think a little more, he always relays more than a single syllabic response.

•    Remain open, approachable and ready to listen.  Kids will tell you the most surprising things during random moments.  I have found that by being available to listen works wonders.  After my 8 year old survived the inquisition from his siblings, it was actually several hours later that he opened up about his day.  I was sitting on my bed reviewing some papers when he crawled up next to me and started to share thoughts about his teacher and new school.  It can be quiet times like this one or in the car when kids are not face-to-face or it could be among the chaos of dinner prep and homework that kids tend to open up.  Make every effort to listen without judging or jumping right in with specific questions, especially if your child is sharing something that is bothering him.  Actively listen and acknowledge their feelings by saying things such as “That must have been a fun gym class or I’m sorry that happened in lunch, that must have been upsetting.”

•    Games are great to get conversation flowing.  Games such as “High/Low” or “Rose & Thorn” prompt kids to relay the best and worst part of their day. Our family goes around the dinner table nightly highlighting the positive (Roses) and negative happenings (Thorns) of our day.  Sometimes Rose & Thorn will apply to more general happenings such as the highs and lows of summer or particular experiences like a birthday or camp.

Refer to Dr. Liz Vantre’s new book, Ready, Set, Parent: Dr. Moms’ Guide to Parenting, for more expert parenting advice

Ready, Set, Parent is available locally at Hip to Be Round in Carytown as well as online at Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

About Dr. Vantre
Dr. Elizabeth M. Vantre studied psychology at Wake Forest University and earned her doctorate in School Psychology from Temple University.  She is the mother of four children (ages 7, 8, 10 and 12) and is currently employed as a psychologist at The Steward School in Richmond, Virginia.  Dr. Vantre has been helping parents find success at home for over fifteen years. She has been employed in a variety of settings including public and private schools, health care facilities, and juvenile detention centers.

 

Dr. Vantre has recently published the book Ready, Set, Parent: Dr. Moms’ Guide to Parenting with her co-author, fellow psychologist, and good friend, Dr. Samantha Dawson.  With a combined 20 years of providing parenting advice both professionally and informally, raising 6 children (Liz has 4, Sam has 2), surviving 14 years of motherhood and enjoying 12 years of friendship, Liz and Sam have enough experience, insight, empathy, practical and proven strategies, real life case examples, and humorous anecdotes to fill a bookshelf. 

 In addition to speaking engagements regarding her book Ready, Set, Parent, she is also a contributor to the website Soccerparenting.com. 

 

Worrying how a new baby will affect your first-born is very common. Including your child in the excitement and preparations will help set the stage for sibling harmony. 

1. Celebrate the news with your child.  Congratulate them on becoming a big sibling.  Show them pictures of you and your siblings when you were their age.  

2. If rooms need to be rearranged to accommodate the new baby, make the room switch as soon as possible.  The further from the birth they make the move, the less they connect the change to the baby and feel displaced. 

3. Read “new baby” books repetitively to your child that will help him prepare for a new sibling.  Some classic ones are: Arthur’s Baby and The Bernstein Bears’ New Baby.  

4. Help your child make a gift for their sibling.  Decorating a receiving blanket with fabric markers, making a picture book, or painting a stool are some ideas.  Your child will feel a sense of pride sharing the book they made or covering the baby with their special blanket.

5. Prepare a gift from the baby to your child.  It can be something little like Pokémon cards or something big like a sand box.  Any gift will make your child feel special.

6. Make a birthday cake with your child ahead of time and then freeze it.  When they receive the news that their sibling is born, they can frost, decorate, and eat it.  What kid doesn’t love a birthday party?

7. Share the exciting news of the birth with your child first before any other family.  

8. Make a big deal about your child coming to the hospital to meet his sibling. Keep the visit short and sweet.

9. Think twice before offering to let your child name the baby.  Whereas it may seem like a great idea, if we had done this in my house, our kids would be named “Striker” and “Baby Sweet Tree.”

10. Most importantly, make sure to acknowledge your child’s needs.  When tired and frazzled and your child asks for something, it is tempting to respond with something like “You are a big kid now and can do that yourself.” Simply acknowledging your child’s needs, by saying “Sure.  I’ll help you as soon as I am finished,” will prevent tantrums and set the stage for sibling harmony.  When my two-year-old son complained that his baby sister pinched him, instead of saying “she is just a baby, she doesn’t know any better,” I said, “No thank you, it is not nice to pinch” to the baby and was amazed by Drew’s reaction.  He seamed appeased and moved on quickly.  Today at ages 7 and 8, they are great friends.

Refer to Dr. Liz Vantre’s new book, Ready, Set, Parent: Dr. Moms’ Guide to Parenting, for more detailed information about creating sibling harmony.  Chapter 5 covers how to prevent sibling conflicts with children from infancy to older elementary age.

Ready, Set, Parent is available locally at Hip to Be Round in Carytown as well as online at Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com

Dr. Elizabeth M. Vantre studied psychology at Wake Forest University and earned her doctorate in School Psychology from Temple University.  She is the mother of four children (ages 7, 8, 10 and 12) and is currently employed as a psychologist at The Steward School in Richmond, Virginia.  Dr. Vantre has been helping parents find success at home for over fifteen years. She has been employed in a variety of settings including public and private schools, health care facilities, and juvenile detention centers.

 

Dr. Vantre has recently published the book Ready, Set, Parent: Dr. Moms’ Guide to Parenting with her co-author, fellow psychologist, and good friend, Dr. Samantha Dawson.  With a combined 20 years of providing parenting advice both professionally and informally, raising 6 children (Liz has 4, Sam has 2), surviving 14 years of motherhood and enjoying 12 years of friendship, Liz and Sam have enough experience, insight, empathy, practical and proven strategies, real life case examples, and humorous anecdotes to fill a bookshelf. 

 In addition to speaking engagements regarding her book Ready, Set, Parent, she is also a contributor to the website Soccerparenting.com. 

 

Wonder why this event is a must go to? Richmondmom.com has all of the details for you here! 

“Please don’t do that. Don’t do that again. Stop!”

“No. Why? Because I said so.”

“Do not (insert appropriate verb) tease, hit, annoy, taunt, bother etc. your brother/sister.”

How many times do you find yourself using the above (and many other) phrases in a day when talking to your kids?  Do you ever feel just completely overwhelmed and at a point where you don’t know what else to do?  Where do you turn?

We all feel like we are at our wit’s end at one time or another, but we are not alone in this quest to raise our children. Enter Dr. Moms with their amazing new book Ready, Set, Parent: Dr. Moms’ Guide to Parenting.

You may be thinking, “Not another parenting book. I couldn’t follow the last ten that I tried to get through.”  This one is different. Elizabeth Marsh Vantre, Ph.D and Samantha Levine Dawson, Ph.D (don’t let the letters at the end of their names scare you) have expertise as child psychologists but also the experience of being in the parenting trenches allowing them to talk the talk and walk the walk.

Liz and Sam have been best friends for two decades and have supported each other through many successes and some disappointments. Through it all they have always found a way to laugh, both at themselves and with each other. They have dealt with the same issues that all parents deal with from breast feeding  and sleepless nights to potty training and wondering if they will ever make it though the ever changing stages of childhood. Liz and Sam are real moms who have dealt with real issues with their families. They have professionally helped parents solve a variety of child-related dilemmas.  Their insightful and practical parenting advice and tips have been a lifesaver for many a family.

In talking with Liz, I was desperate to know what the magic word or trick was to getting my children to listen and behave immediately. Her answer was “consistency.”  This, I knew, was something that I was not very good at. I didn’t feel so bad when she let me know that she struggled with this too, especially when her husband was working late and she had a rough day and the kids were wreaking havoc in the house. It would be easy to just let them slide, but then they’d keep repeating the same behavior and nothing would change.

“Sometimes you just have to be the bad guy and you have to stick to it,” Liz laughed a bit as she said this. “I know it’s hard, you want to give in and make life easier in that moment (especially when they are in the middle of a tantrum in public) but follow through with what you say.  Staying consistent in the moment will make parenting so much easier in years to come.”

I asked Liz if she could give parents just one piece of advice, what would it be? Her response made so much sense, but it was nothing I had ever thought of before. “Be proactive. One tried-and-true way to be a firm yet effective and pleasant parent is to give children suggestions as to what they should do instead of immediately jumping on them about what not to do.”  Enter the Dr. Moms’ “One Finger Rule.”  For example, they suggest before going into a store, in order to prevent chaos and breakage, remind kids that if they have to touch something (which, of course, we know they do), to touch it with only one finger.  Liz explains, “Kids may touch a hundred things in the store with one finger, but they will follow the rule because they have been given a direction and focus.”

This next question was a tough one to address as I find myself falling victim to it again and again. What do you do when you’ve been doing so well for so long, being proactive and thoughtful and consistent and then, BOOM, you fall off the wagon? Maybe it’s been a long, hard day and the fact that someone forgot to clean up the Legos in the den and you walked over them (in bare feet) sends you into a tailspin. What then?

Liz’s voice was calm and sympathetic, “Forgive yourself and say you’re sorry. Kids are very forgiving and they know that they make mistakes, too.  Model the behavior you want your kids to have.  When they observe you asking for forgiveness, they will know that they can, too.”

Ready, Set, Parent is a book that shares practical advice that you can follow. It covers temperament, the importance of seeking help and maintaining a positive and realistic perspective, discipline, and the keys to proactive parenting.  The Dr. Moms also weigh in on some hot parenting topics such as spanking and when to send a child to kindergarten.  It’s not a book that you have to read cover to cover, but can use as a point of reference, finding the chapter or section that relates to what you are going through at the moment. More importantly, when you read it, you feel like you are getting the advice from a friend, without judgment or condemnation. The Dr. Mom’s are there, lifting you up saying, “we get it, we’ve been there too.”  It is easy to read and filled with many humorous examples.

So grab a cup of coffee and curl up with Ready, Set, Parent, the stories that Liz and Sam share will make you laugh and maybe shed a tear but most importantly, they will make you feel like you are not alone in the adventures of raising children.

Ready, Set, Parent is currently available online on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.  You can also catch Liz for a lighthearted discussion and book signing at 7pm on Wednesday, November 13^th at the Barnes and Noble in the Chesterfield Town Center.