The Toddler Diet

The Toddler DietWe live in a culture saturated with diet trends: Atkins, South Beach, Zone, Cave Man, the all cabbage diet, the all grapefruit diet, the What Would Jesus Eat diet (seriously, a real thing), and my favorite, the chocolate, cheese and wine diet.

Okay, fine. That last one I may have hallucinated from starvation related to a week of eating according to my blood type, or pH balance, or astrological sign, or something.

The point is, there is an endless list of diet fads, and the one thing all of these regimens have in common is that they promise results. However, as anyone who has ever attempted these diets knows, those outcomes can be fleeting. The second you stop that Gwyneth Paltrow-endorsed charcoal and hemp seed cleanse, all that weight makes a vicious and predictable comeback. Besides, these eating fads and trends can be a lot of work.

So, if you’ve tried all of those other diets and have met only disappointment, I’ve got great news for you. Right here, right now, for a low introductory price ($0), I am introducing my brand new, (imaginary) doctor approved, (imaginary) board certified Toddler Diet.

All you have to do is follow these simple steps, and you’ll have the body of a two-year-old in no time – plus, you’ll save tons of time in the kitchen!

1. Never eat the same food two days in a row.

It doesn’t matter if you had the best meal of your entire life. It doesn’t matter if you loved it so much you danced in your chair while you ate it. If someone offers that food to you a second day in a row, you look at that person like they murdered your puppy and hurl that food at their face (food hurling is a great way to stay fit).

2. Let half of every bite of food slobber out of your mouth.

You’ll literally cut your calories in half! Just open wide and let that partially chewed mouthful dribble onto your chin. Those looks of disgust and horror from people near you? Just jealousy!

3. Smash 1/3 of every meal or snack into a crevice of your house.

Just get in there and go nuts. Find the tiniest, most difficult to clean area, like a DVD slot or air conditioning vent, and shove that food in there until no human or machine will ever be able to remove it and it will slowly rot and putrify and become that weird smell that hangs around that corner of the house. Or better yet, locate the most expensive rug you own and smash that food into it like you really mean it. Bonus points if that rug is white and the food is bright red or orange.

4. Whenever anyone cooks you a meal, refuse all of it.

Graciousness will not get you anywhere! It’s important that you really sell it. This is not the time for a polite, “no thank you.” Recoil in horror, twist your body around to get as far away from that plate of veggie lasagna as possible and then scream at the top of your lungs until someone removes it from your vicinity.

5. Eat nothing except yogurt for three days straight.

All of that dairy will do wonders for your digestive system. If anyone comes near you with any form of food that is not yogurt, and I mean any form of food, you shoot them eye daggers, throw yourself onto the ground and kick with vigor until they hand you a yogurt. Not only will this help you stay toned, it will really charm your loved ones.

6. After the three-day yogurt cleanse, eat only cheese for the following three days.

Sure, that may sound like an awful lot of dairy. And yes, your flatulence may become a problem. But that just means it’s working! Special note: the cheese must only come in rectangular or oblong stick form. If anyone tries to hand you anything not shaped like a rectangle or oblong, give the cheese immediately to your dog.

7. When eating out, only eat food off of your dinner companion’s plates.

Do not eat what is in front of you. If your dinner companion balks at sharing, shriek at a volume loud enough that everyone at the restaurant, even the staff in the kitchen, hears. Do not stop until you get what’s rightfully yours.

8. Snack constantly. About every ten minutes is ideal.

Whether you’re out at a park, in the car, or at your home, set an internal clock for when it’s snack time. And when that clock goes off, repeat the word “snack” over and over again in progressively louder tones until someone hands you some goldfish crackers. If you see a friend or acquaintance with a snack, demand one of your own. And if no one will give you your own, you take that friend’s snack as a power move. Polite submission will not keep you fit and healthy.

9. If you don’t like how something tastes, or if it tastes strange or new, spit it out.

Just spit it right on out, projectile style. Maybe throw in a “yuck” or “ew.” Make it clear to everyone around you that you do not tolerate “weird” or “exotic” or “green” foods and that they better not try to pull something like that again. And then start crying.

10. Eat sugar, then immediately run a mile within a confined space.

Whether it is in a zigzag pattern in the living room or in circles in front of the TV, get that mile in. Laugh hysterically while you do it to really ramp up that heart rate. And then when you’ve finished, collapse in a heap until someone carries you to bed.

11. Or…just love the body that you’re in! 

The best thing about toddlers is that they aren’t confined by what the media or society tells them is right or wrong or “ideal.” They just get up every day and live it to the fullest. Sure, we want to be healthy, but we could learn a thing or two from our toddlers’ unselfconscious approach to food – and life. So sure, eat healthy, just as you want your toddler to, but be sure to enjoy life along the way.