Expectations

by Dane Schwartz, Richmond Dad of “The Bean” and all-around fun guy, May 12, 2010

We all have expectations of other people; I think that it’s partly human nature. But how or better yet why do we set these expectations? Maybe it’s a way for us to measure others and how “successful” they are or have been in life. Well, I have found that somehow I have already begun setting measurable expectations for my daughter. From day one they have been constantly evolving, changing and for the most part, being set higher and higher. At first it was “easy stuff”:

- Open eyes – check
- Smile – check
- Sleep through the night – check
- Roll over – check
- Sit up unassisted – check
- Crawl or become mobile…..umm crawl or become mobile…..hello….why are you not moving yet…..come on you can do it, right?

My daughter is nearly 12 months old and completely immobile. She’s a complete failure (face in palms). Ok maybe that’s a little harsh, but seriously our expectations of where she should be have been crushed! I know she will be mobile someday (I hope) but by not meeting these magical expectations that we have crafted out of thin air we have found ourselves being disappointed. Why? Honestly, I have no idea. She’s a happy, healthy, great kid but we want more. We want mobility! (At this point you more experienced parents are thinking “oh young grasshopper, you’re going to regret wishing for that”.)

Doctors, other parents, friends, enemies, random people on the street have all given us the same speech, “every child develops at a different pace, they’ll do it when they are ready, blah, blah”. Well damn it, that standard is for other kids not mine! Mine’s a superstar! The best! The cutest! According to who and what measuring device you ask? Well, well…..the one I created, it’s magical and invisible!

Expectations. They really are a funny thing because they don’t truly exist. We create them, but why? So we can tell ourselves that we have an amazing child? So we can brag at a cookout to make ourselves feel “cooler” than other parents? So we can get upset when the kid doesn’t meet these magical expectations? While I don’t think we will ever be able to completely eliminate expectations of others we can manage them, right? But how? Should it be a two way street; an open discussion with the child? Should we write them down and have them sign a contract? What does it really mean if they don’t meet these expectations and how should we react? What about expectations they have of us as parents? What about when we don’t meet those? Well, I fully expect you to let me know what you think. ;o)

UPDATE – The Bean is crawling like a bat out of hell (yes I realize those things fly, but you get the point). She’s mobile and as of right now it’s pretty much awesome; however, that mind set is subject to change when she is 2 and runs around with energy level and mental capacity of a Siberian husky puppy. Looking forward to it!

Comments:

(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/17 at 02:26 PM

Dane…my daughter spot 10 words at 1 and actually knew a few colors, numbers and letters. I too was saddened by the fact that she was not yet mobile at 14 months. She was doing everything else at an accelerated pace. My pediatrician said the best thing ever, and I took it to heart. “She’s so smart, she’s extra cautious. She knows she has the potential to hurt herself if she goes too quickly, so she is taking her time. To be safter.”

I loved that she said that. It made me feel much better.

Comments:

(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/17 at 03:34 PM

I really appreciate seeing another father on this forum. I have been a fan of this site, but I am no Richmondmom. I love your perspective as I could totally relate to those feelings at “the Bean’s” age. I am finding myself immersed with those same temptations as my daughter gets older. The expectations to read, write, to count to 100, to become the best athlete, to get into Harvard, to be the best kid ever. Those are the competitive desires of the parent. These vicarious expectations become the petty fulfillment of our own egos and not what is necessarily best for them. It is one thing to teach her to have expectations of herself, but contradictory to have expectations of others, as we do to them. I love my daughter with everything that I am, but the only thing I can truly expect out of her is to be herself (and to clean her room).

Comments:

(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/17 at 04:08 PM

Oh, I am a Mom! You are spot on about expectations. My daughter, now 11, has way too many for herself. I try not to add to them so I steer clear about grades and chores and too much. She hard ever has to be prompted to do much…other than clean her room. But she also has very high expectations of others in every facet of life> I don’t know where it comes from, honesstly. Yet, we’ll see how that continues to change/develop over the next few very formative years.