Session 2: 

• Rites of Passage to Becoming a Parent
• Coping with Comments from Friends and Family
• Talking with Your Child About Adoption

Session 1:

Baby Care Basics – Feeding and Nutrition, Diaper Changing, Bathing, Sleeping, Infant Health and Choosing a Pediatrician

Preparing for Parenthood Through Adoption – Attachment and Bonding

Tammy and her son Malcolm

When she was a child, and people asked Tammy what she wanted to be when she grew up, she told them she wanted to be a mom.  People may not have found that particularly ambitious at the time, but Tammy wasn’t kidding around.

In fact, she stopped counting after 40 kids.

Tammy has has been fostering kids in need for 23 years.  In addition to her 4 biological children, fostering lead Tammy to adopt 5 kids with one adoption finalized this past month.  And in case that wasn’t enough to be a mom we totally love (and are pretty in awe of) she’s helping other parents too.  Tammy is the UMFS Resource Family Liaison and she helps perspective foster parents through the training process.

Are there more foster kids in Tammy’s future? Probably.  She says as long as her kids are in the house she’ll be fostering.  After that she might take a little break.

We can’t blame her, but we’re totally amazed and humbled by her incredible work.

We got a chance to catch her by phone and email to talk about both parenting and fostering kids.

Rmom: You’ve always wanted to be a parent. Are there any parents that you really admire?

TF: This may sound cliché but I have always admired my mother. She was a single parent after my father and she divorced when I was five. She later remarried when I was 12. The one thing I admire most about my mother is that I always knew she loved me and that she would always be there. She may not have liked my behaviors or agreed with my choices but she would always preserve our relationship even when expressing her dissatisfaction. She also did a lot of informal foster care, taking in children whose parents were struggling. I know that had an impact on me wanting to be a parent but also on wanting to be a foster parent.

Rmom: What is your parenting M.O.?

TF: I believe relationship is important. This does not mean that you cater to a child or that you never make a parenting decision that is unpopular. It means that no matter what, you as the parent, do all in your power to preserve the relationship between yourself and your child. You can set limits and boundaries and not agree with choices a child makes but you maintain the relationship.
I often say that I want to be the parent that when I am called to the principal’s office because my child misbehaved, I want my child to see me come in and relax not become fearful. This does not mean that there won’t be consequences for misbehavior but it means that my child knows that I still love them even when they’ve misbehaved and we will work it out as a family. Erma Bombeck said, “A child needs love the most when he deserves it the least.” I find this painfully true when working with foster and adopted children but it holds true for biological children as well.

Rmom: What type of person makes a good foster parent?

TF: Some of the qualities I see that make a foster parent successful are:

-Commitment. You have to believe in what you’re doing and know why you’re doing it. This is what you hold on to so that you stay committed when things are tough.

-Patience. I’ve heard parents say “How many more times do I have to tell you…?” I always think “One more time.” You never know when it’s going to click so you have to have the patience to stick with it until a child gets it. That can be school work or behavior, some kids just need more time to learn.

-Nuture. This includes spending time with a child and developing a relationship with them. Foster care isn’t about just letting a child live with you. You are the person who has the privilege of learning about this child, understanding this child and guiding this child for the time that they are with you. It is an amazing responsibility.

-A Willingness to Learn. Even if you’ve parented before, you will need to learn new techniques and strategies for reaching children. You do what you know. If that is working, keep doing it. But, when it isn’t working, instead of doing more of the same, reach out to the team and learn different ways to intervene.


Rmom: Parents sometimes worry how fostering will impact their biological children, how has fostering affected your children?
TF: I would not be completely honest if I didn’t say that there were times when fostering was hard for my children. They didn’t always like new people joining the family or dealing with the behaviors that often accompanied them or sharing their space or their mother. But I can honestly say that my children have learned that they are very fortunate in that they have been spared the experiences that some of my foster children have lived. This makes them grateful.

Tammy with her 3 of her children: Chloe, Malcolm & Stephen (left to right) on the day of Malcolm’s adoption.

Rmom: What brings a child to foster care? How long does a foster child stay in your care?
TF: Children come into foster care primarily because they’ve experienced abuse or neglect. The timeline can vary for how long a child remains with a family but we suggest to expect 18 months.

Rmom: How do you support the emotional needs of foster kids and their foster families? Does UMFS provide any help?
TF: Emotional needs of the foster child are supported by the foster parent usually with the help of a therapist. Foster families and children are also supported by their UMFS worker and other staff. UMFS also hosts a monthly support group which enables you to network with other foster families.

Rmom: What does being a foster parent cost? Does a parent get paid to foster?
TF: There are four fees associated with being a foster parent at UMFS. Those fees cover background checks- FBI and CPS, a DMV report and a health statement.
A foster parent receives a monthly stipend to offset the costs of caring for a child. Children in foster care have Medicaid for medical, dental and therapy expenses. Children are assessed on a case-by-case basis for additional support through the use of the VEMAT tool.

Rmom: Is the process of becoming a foster parent long?
TF: Not really. At UMFS our trainings are completed in a month. The homestudy process can take 3-4 months after that provided there are no conflicts that cause delays.

Rmom: How do I get started?
TF: Your first step is to call (804)254-9695 and ask for the Orientation Schedule. The Orientation is designed to give you more information so that you can make a decision as to whether foster care is for you.

Race to Parenthood
April 12, 2014 at 9:00AM
West Creek Business Park in Richmond.

For more information, FAQs and registration, visit the Race to Parenthood Website and check out all the details on Richmondmom.com! 

Keep up with the latest info on their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter. 

Sturtevant Family Photo

As I look around my family room, I see trucks and blocks scattered across the floor, a little pink and white baby blanket on the sofa, an empty bottle and goldfish crumbs on the coffee table.  While this scene might be typical of any family with young children, it still amazes me sometimes that I am a mother. Sixteen years ago I never would have imagined that this would be me.

When I was 16, sitting in a doctor’s office with my parents at my side, I was told that I would never be able to have children.  As someone who has always loved kids and dreamed of one day becoming a teacher, wife and mother, it was difficult to process this news.  I was in shock.  I remember feeling a lump in my throat and seeing tears in my mom and dad’s eyes.

Thankfully, since I learned this when I was young, I’ve had more than a decade to grieve and eventually accept this reality.  I am grateful for my deep faith in God and his ultimate plan for my life so with that, along with the support of my family and now husband, Glen, I knew everything was going to be okay.

When Glen and I were dating and began to have more serious conversations about marriage and children, he didn’t even hesitate about what we would do.  Adoption would be how we’d build our family.  And that’s just what we did.

We didn’t know much about the process except that it took a long time and there was lots of paperwork.  We jumped right in and began working with a domestic adoption agency shortly after we were married in 2004.  After almost three agonizing years of waiting we finally got “the call”!  A birth mother wanted to meet us.  It was an amazing experience and we felt like all of our dreams had come true! In June 2008, this courageous woman lovingly placed a beautiful baby boy into our arms.  Finally! We were parents!

I wish I could say that our first adoption story continued to move along smoothly and beautifully, but unfortunately things did not turn out that way.  We learned the birth father wanted custody of the baby.  We were all devastated, (including the birth mother) and didn’t understand how things could go from being so happy and exciting to so devastating in a matter of a few days.

We loved and cared for our precious little boy for four amazing months and then had to kiss him goodbye, hand him back to his birth mother and drive home alone, but together.  The baby I had dreamed about and prayed for all those years was gone, just like that.  My arms felt heavy from not having him in them and I would turn my head to look for him and would realize that he wasn’t there anymore.  I closed the door to his little nursery and it took me a while before I could open the door again.  It was such a difficult time and we grieved our loss like a death in the family.

Our hearts were broken and the only thing we knew to do was pray for healing and guidance.  Our experience taught us that we absolutely loved being parents and that each and every child was a precious gift.  We also realized that there were more children that were in need of loving parents, so all we could do was jump back in.  After some time, we were ready to pursue adoption again.

The amazing thing about adoption is that in an instant, one telephone call can completely change the course of your life.  Almost a year later, one beautiful autumn afternoon, our telephone rang.  The complete and total joy we felt when we learned that we would be parents again was pretty much indescribable.  We had just two days to prepare for our son Ethan’s arrival and those days were filled with joy, love and several shopping sprees to Babies R Us!

Our adorable little bundle was lovingly placed into our arms forever in November 2009.   It was the happiest day of our lives!  Ethan’s adoption couldn’t have gone more smoothly and we were so grateful.

Two years later, we hoped and prayed for a sibling for Ethan and we decided to pursue adoption again.  We thought we’d be waiting again for a very long time, but less than a year later the phone rang.  Again it was a beautiful, sunny day and I remember dropping down onto our kitchen counter sobbing with joy-filled tears at the news.  I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live.  Three days later, our little bundle, Reed, was placed into our arms and came home.  We felt blessed beyond belief.

Little did we know, but adoption can even surprise you when you least expect it.  A friend runs a small adoption ministry and this past spring, she was working with a birthmother in search of an adoptive family for her baby.  My friend thought of us, but we tried not to get our hopes up too high.  In a way that only God can orchestrate, the details of our daughter’s private adoption couldn’t have worked out more beautifully (including us pulling an all-nighter, jumping onto a plane and arriving at the hospital with just 30 minutes to spare before the baby’s arrival!).  Our precious baby girl, Emily, is 5 months now and has brought even more love and smiles to our growing family.  And, the boys just adore their little baby sister.

Adoption has taught me so much over the years.  Even though life doesn’t always go as planned, one of the greatest life lessons I’ve learned is that we should approach every situation before us with great love.  While it’s easy to get caught up in the difficult moments of motherhood and complain about all the things that don’t go our way in daily life, I’ve learned to try to approach all things I do with a joyful, thankful heart.  This approach has left me feeling so blessed and grateful for the journey I’ve traveled, the beautiful family and friends that surround me and even all those toys and crumbs that are scattered around our family room.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lori Sturtevant is an adoptive mom of three precious children, ages 4, 1, and 5 months.  She lives in Richmond, VA with her husband, Glen, and enjoys spending time with family and friends, reading, traveling and taking lots of pictures.  She is a full-time stay-at-home mom, a part-time reading instructor and is passionate about reading education and adoption.

Many of us have dreamed of becoming parents, but for the 11% of women and 7.2% of men (according to the CDC) who struggle with infertility, the road to parenthood isn’t all that easy.  In addition to taking an emotional toll, the cost of fertility treatments can be staggering.

The Race to Parenthood is a brand new, local organization that aims to help real couples in Richmond offset the financial cost of their path to parenthood while raising awareness about infertility in a fun 5k race.

The concept is simple: when you register for the 5k race (date to be announced in the coming weeks but is currently set for spring 2014) your money goes directly to a Featured Couple of your choice to help them offset the cost of their path to parenthood.

Those interested in becoming a Featured Couple, can apply by November 20, 2013 and can be pursuing IVF, IUI, adoption or surrogacy.  Currently, there are 6 local couples or teams who are currently seeking parenthood. You can read all about them and their infertility stories on the Race to Parenthood website.

Keep up to date with The Race to Parenthood, follow them on Facebook and Twitter.
Click here to learn more about infertility

Linda’s journey began when she was driving home from a doctor’s appointment. On the way they saw a billboard for fostering and adopting. After further discussion, Linda and her husband decided that too many children needed homes, so they decided to go that route instead.

They went through the required classes and home study, and received approval in 2002. Four months later, they adopted their daughter Allie (who had been placed into a foster home at birth) when she was eight months old.

Since then, they have provided foster care to a number of different children, who have since been reunited with their parents once their home situation stabilized.

“Many people ask how we could return foster kids back to their parents.  Although hard on some, I never attached, as I knew from the beginning I was -in my mind- helping a friend, although I still wonder sometimes where they are today,” said Linda.

When asked if she ever considered adopting more children, Linda explains that adopting through the foster care system does not always go smoothly. And in that situation, letting go can be especially hard.

“When my daughter was around seven years old, she started asking about having siblings.  So we re-licensed with the state for legal risk adoption (kids that have a slight risk of returning to their birth parents).  We had a couple sets of children in different circumstances come through our home and in 2009 we were approved to adopt a family of four. Unfortunately, it didn’t progress to adoption.”

Linda says that, although her daughter had always wanted siblings and it was hard on her when things did not move forward, as a family they simply accepted that what was meant to be will happen. In the end, they decided not to adopt again.

I asked Linda if she had any advice for prospective Foster Parents. She said, “Be honest with yourself about your personality and capabilities of bringing a child into your home, but also don’t let fear stand in the way. In all honesty, only the strongest of people can take this journey.”

Emotionally strong indeed! This is why I wish we had the resources to celebrate all of these Supermoms out there in our communities!

But aren’t we fortunate as a society that they do what they do? In the U.S. more than 400,000 children are being raised by foster parents.

 Have you considered being a Foster Parent? For more information contact your local department of social services.

 For more insights into the Foster Parenting journey, check out the Foster 2 Forever blog.