In the middle of parenting my third and last toddler, it’s just now hitting me: Toddlers are weird. If you step back and really watch them, you’ll see it too. I think this is the reason they’re so cute. Only these adorable little people can get away with this kind of nuttiness. Take, for example:
author Katie Mardigian and one of her toddlers-turned-big kid
The Refusal to Eat a Cookie/Cracker if it’s Not Completely Whole. This leaves a handful of perfectly fine baby cracker pieces at the bottom of the bag that are deemed unacceptable to the toddler, but not worthy of the trash. And it is here that I admit to the world that I eat toddler crackers.
The Poop Face. Toddlers are completely incapable of hiding the fact that they are going #2. In fact, they tend to stare straight into your eyes for moral support while doing so, and may even lean on you if you’re lucky enough to be within reach. This is just insane and would qualify any adult for a mental institution but is a daily occurrence for toddlers.
Toddler Gibberish. Once toddlers realize all those tall people around them use sounds to understand each other, they want in on the action and start making up their own language. And when the adults start saying things like, “Oh, really?” and “Ya don’t say?” of course they think they’re on to something. My toddlers have delivered the baby equivalent of commencement speeches with the hand gesturing of a trained actor while I just stand there and nod, and as long as I say “OK!” at the end, they seem satisfied. I often leave these “conversations” with my toddler with the vague feeling I just agreed to let her give up her naps.
The Constant Physical Need to Climb Stairs. If you have a toddler in your house you may find yourself helping your tiny OCD friend climb up and down stairs for hours at a time. Or climbing into and out of the high chair. Or into and out of the laundry basket. Whatever it is, you’re doing
it A LOT. Sure, these are necessary developmental exercises that improve their gross motor skills and independence, but dear God it gets old fast. But your toddler will likely be smiling the WHOLE time, or sticking their tongue out in concentration, and that’s just plain cute.
Backing the Truck Up. Toddlers have the unique luxury of assuming your lap is there for their benefit at all times. You could be tying your shoes, but your little one sees it as an invitation. And they usually approach your lap backwards, from across the room, while carrying a toy in each hand. What would it look like if an adult did that? Honey, I’ve got the remote and my glass of wine, and I’m coming toward the couch, slowly and backwards. Get ready for me.
The Self-Designated Bathroom Buddy. Anyone who’s had a toddler knows that they believe your bathroom time is their time as well. I’ll stealthily run to the bathroom hoping to not get caught, but within seconds my toddler is bursting in the room, pulling the door behind her with a look like, “Phew! I almost didn’t make it in time! I’m here, though, so go ahead. What should we talk about?” God forbid she miss this important meeting time of ours.
Copying Grown Up Habits. Toddlers are little mimics, which can be cute, until they start throwing around F-bombs, and then you realize your little mirror image is shining a spotlight on all your bad behaviors. I discovered that I have the annoying habit of yelling “GIRLS!!” when I need my older kids’ attention and they’re not nearby. I know this because my toddler has started yelling “GUHLS!? GUHLS!?” at the bottom of the stairs at various times during the day, because in her eyes, that is just what grownups do.
The Bag Lady. Toddlers LOVE to wear hats. Or carry a purse. Or wear your shoes. Jewelry of any kind is gladly accepted. Wearing all at once? While pushing around a toy grocery cart full of stuffed animals? Toddler heaven. If anyone over 12 does this, they are presumed to be crazy, and rightfully so.
As bewildering and frustrating as these crazy toddler habits can be, it’s a sad moment when you realize you’re raising your last toddler and there won’t be anyone to back their truck up to you anymore. Time is flying by, and before I know it, I’ll be the one talking gibberish and carrying 7 handbags. And I can’t help but smile at the fact that it will likely be my kids who will need to take care of me during those ‘circle of life’ years. Enjoy, girls!
