You know you want one. You fantasize about one. On those days when 24 hours and 2 hands just aren’t enough, you think, Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I had a wife? Ha ha ha….Heavy Sigh…
I’d settle for a wife just during the holiday season. My Holiday Wife could help me get through the to-do list so I can actually accomplish it all and be a lot less frazzled. (In our house, the holiday season also includes my husband’s birthday and 2 of my kids’ birthdays, with the 3rd kid’s birthday just around the corner in January. I must have been uber organized in my past life and the Gods thought I needed more of a challenge??)
I’m convinced that if I were lucky enough to have one, this is what my Holiday Wife would be saying to me right now:
My dear, overworked Katie, I’ve scheduled a massage for you tomorrow evening at 5:00. That’s right, a massage AND you get out of cooking dinner. Yes, I do know you so well.
Why don’t you split the gift shopping with me? You take A-F, and I’ll take G-Z. Ha ha, who cares about what’s fair? I care more about YOU.
Oh please, you look great, have another handful of Cheez-its. The gym will be there next year!
You look like you could use a nice warm bath. But let me clean out the bath tub first, because you deserve a tub that doesn’t have toddler funk all over it.
Not that your toddler is funky. She’s delightful! I’m sure she’ll stop yelling “Mommy, I just burrrrrped!” in the grocery store soon.
I’ve taken the liberty of moving your Elf for you, and included a clever prop in that way you both mock and wish you had the brains to pull off.
Step away from the Pinterest, my dear. It just makes you feel bad about your lack of time/brain capacity for crafty holiday projects and no one really does that stuff anyway. That’s right, I checked: NO ONE.
Now, you stay out of this kitchen – I’ve got dinner handled tonight.
Wine, dear?
I’ve already taken care of all those teacher gifts – they are going to think you are the craftiest, most thoughtful and original parent they’ve EVER met.
I’ve bought you some more Cheez-its!
That birthday party you just whipped up in 48 hours was hands down THE BEST kids birthday party there ever was. No, no one noticed you used a hodge-podge of old decorations and other peoples’ recipes.
Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve organized your holiday receipts. I’d hate for you to have to hunt for them again after Christmas like you do every other year. And yes, everyone else does that too, it’s not just you.
Unorganized? Don’t be silly. I know you have this all under control. Oh yes, if I weren’t here, you’d have all of this handled. AND with a smile.
I swear your don’t have any roots/grays right now – the mirror is wrong. Yes, that happens.
Muffin top? You? NEVER.
Your present wrapping and bow-making skills are certainly not horrible! Unique. Creative. Avant-garde. You, madam, are ahead of your time.
Yes, that dermatologist who suggested Botox is blind. She obviously doesn’t know good skin when she sees it. No, I won’t judge you when you get Botox. Here, have a drink, my dear.
You did such a good job this season, you deserve a pat on the back. And a vacation. Yes, you can tell your husband I said so.
*Disclaimer: In fairness, my husband could use a Holiday Husband as well. He works his tail off at work and at home, and his To Do list is just as long as mine. He just makes it all look easier. Figures, huh? 
Happy Holidays!!
