Written By Mary Polce-Lynch, Ph.D., Republished from: Virginia Women’s Center Website
Someone once said that grief is the footprint in our heart left from someone we love. After a loved one dies, this takes on a new meaning. We can also grieve when we lose relationships, dreams, homes and jobs or careers. This article focuses on ways to cope with grieving the death of a loved one.
Grief is the emotion we feel when we experience a loss. All deaths may be traumatic in some way, but a sudden death is always traumatic. Not only do we suffer with sadness, but our minds are reluctantly trying to integrate a new reality – one that is different from the way reality should be. Without a goodbye and with much left unsaid, a sudden death can also bring about regrets such as, “I wish I had told him this,” or “I hope she knew how much I liked her.” These regrets are a normal part of grieving, especially when death comes suddenly to a loved one.
We also grieve when our loved one’s death was expected and we were able to say goodbye. We miss the person and their presence in our life, especially the times spent together such as holidays or birthdays. We may still have many regrets even when the death was expected; this too is a normal part of the grieving process. The first two years after any death involves a natural period of adjustment to the new reality that the person we loved is gone.
In addition to missing the person who died, a death may also trigger memories of grieving other deaths. This means that our grief experience can be doubled by unfinished mourning for another loved one. Additionally, all deaths remind us of our own mortality. When my father died suddenly of a heart attack, a large part of my struggle involved how much was left unsaid. My healing process began when I serendipitously discovered letters we had exchanged years ago; they provided comfort and showed me that we had indeed said to each all that was needed. After finding these letters, I decided to write my loved ones “final words” to ensure nothing was left unsaid in case of my sudden death. The writings provided reassurance while allowing me to honor these relationships, and interestingly, to celebrate life with more meaning.
Dealing with the death of a loved one or reflecting on our own mortality is especially difficult because we receive no formal death education in today’s culture. If we are fortunate, our family or religion provides rituals to honor the deceased and give us social permission to grieve. But in general, few people feel comfortable talking about death because it has largely become hidden from our daily lives.
Over the years, there has been debate about whether certain stages of the grieving process exist. Kubler-Ross’s research suggested these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (DABDA model). While a person who is grieving may experience some or all of these feelings and behaviors, experts currently agree that a “stage theory” does not accurately explain the grieving process. Indeed, everyone does not need to go through each stage and the grieving process can involve cycling through each ‘stage’ over and over. The value of the DABDA model is that it gives us a frame for talking about the often wordless experience of grieving.
Once we accept the reality of the death, how do we cope with our suffering? How do we grieve? We get through grief by putting one foot in front of the other. We cry, talk, laugh, walk, yell, swim, read, breathe, eat, sleep, write or create music and art. Then, we do it all over again. Because of our different personalities and death experiences, we will approach the grieving process in our own unique ways.
Sometimes people think they need to “recover” from grief. It would be more accurate to suggest that reconciling the loss is what happens. It requires lots of work, understanding, time, patience, waiting and support. But reconciling happens and so does healing. The following ideas can help facilitate the reconciling and healing process during periods of grief:
- Know there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve
- Cry
- Be silent
- Listen to others talk about the deceased
- Pray
- Tell stories about the deceased, including fun memories
- Talk about the most difficult parts of your reactions to a sudden death to begin recovering from the traumatic shock and to integrate reality
- Journal
- Write a letter to the deceased, saying all you wanted him/her to know; then read it to a caring other or simply tuck it away in a special place
- Participate in public, private or online rituals to honor the loved one
- Create meaningful memorials, such as scholarships or memory walks/races
- Gather in a group to talk about the deceased
To fully integrate a death and to receive comfort, we cannot grieve alone. At some point during the grieving process, we must talk with someone we trust about the person we miss so we can express our feelings, thoughts and memories. This allows us to receive comfort for our loss; comfort is always helpful on any painful journey.
Someone once said, when a loved one dies we not only miss them, we miss who we were when we were with them. Perhaps the best way to honor the memory of a loved one is to continue being the person we were in his or her presence – and of course, to continue valuing the precious gift of life.
Mary Polce-Lynch, Ph.D., a licensed professional counselor and developmental psychologist, joined Virginia Women’s Center in the fall of 2009.
Dr. Polce-Lynch believes that women’s mental health is as important as physical health. She provides therapy for general women’s issues and has expertise with anxiety, stress and depression, breast cancer, menopause, chronic illnesses, eating disorders and body image issues, parenting and mindfulness-based counseling. She is also skilled in working with women with loss and grief, divorce and relationships, and transition issues.
She has been a licensed professional counselor since 1990. In 1996, Dr. Polce-Lynch earned a Ph.D. in developmental psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University. Dr. Polce-Lynch received a Bachelor of Arts in special education from Marywood College in Scranton, Pennsylvania in 1980, graduating magna cum laude. She went on to receive a Master of Arts in counseling psychology and an education specialist degree in school psychology from James Madison University.
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