Trying to parent your kid while fighting with your ex reminds me of the poem by Robert Frost, “The Road Not Taken”, but in the fighting version of the poem where the roads diverge, each parent takes a different path as well as one arm of their kid.

Then they start pulling.

There was no handbook at age 22 when I got divorced and if there was I wouldn’t have read it.  For such a young and relatively selfish human being I managed to do more right than most would have expected of me but I did a lot of things wrong.

A lot.

One story ended up with me on a bar floor, a cigarette butt stuck to my cheek and police being called to restrain me as I fist fought with my ex husband’s new girlfriend. While I have never been afraid to tell my own stories or examine my own faults, I never thought it right to write about my ex’s.  That was one of those “me managing to do the right thing” moments.

My son is now 22 and I decided it was time to talk, but only if I had something good to say.

When my ex and I were married and my dad was dying outside our bedroom door, my ex spent countless hours drinking coffee with my dad who was at the time pretty much talking gobbeldy gook.

My ex went to work with my three brothers every day and threw pizza dough in the air starting at 4 o’clock in the morning to make money for our family.

I repeat, 4 o’clock in the morning.

My ex gave up his band, his house, the company of his friends, and life in the city to move back to the suburbs and into my family home with my entire family including my dying dad.

My ex was at times an amazing dad and he still makes my son laugh.

If you have nothing good to go back to then I’m sorry for you and your kids but don’t curse your ex anyway, instead, thank them for coming into your life long enough to create your kid with you.

Stop fighting over every little thing, such as the food your children eat, the homework they forgot to have them do, the L.L. Bean jacket that didn’t make it back, the amount of television time or what rated movie they watched.

Your kid won’t fall apart if they eat one un-organic yogurt or spend the weekend watching Wizards of Waverly Place.  In the matter of you versus your ex, it doesn’t matter who’s right.

In most cases, both of you are probably a little bit wrong, except for in mine where I was always right.

Wait, did I just write that?

See, it’s a work in progress.

Your ex’s family did not divorce you.  Foster a good relationship with your child’s other side of the family.  Be thankful that there are more people in the world that love your kid than just you and your immediate.

If you hate your ex then wait till the day your kid becomes an adult and you look at him and all you see is your ex.  Your child shares attributes from both your gene pools, attributes from your ex that you once thought it appropriate to get in bed with.

If you can’t manage to like your ex, then go for neutral.

In divorce world, neutral goes a long way.

Never talk about your ex to your kid.  It isn’t right and once a year is one time too many.

You do not get a pass for bad behavior just because your ex is the spawn of Satan, if he is then one day your child will figure that out on his or her own.

It will not be a joyous day; it will be one of the saddest days of their lives and therefore yours as well.

After two decades of being divorced, the moments I am most proud of are those in which I did the right thing.  And the ones I did wrong linger always like a bad rash in my arsenal of guilt

You will have fights, disagreements, and arguments and it will be a work in progress but your kid is the masterpiece you are trying to protect so pull up your sleeves and sweat a little.

Try to treat your ex with as much respect as you can muster, he or she might not deserve it but there’s someone in your house who does.

• How parents can provide emotional stabilty to their children
• What steps parents can take to guide children through a difficult transition
• Tips to ensure healthy relationships with both parents
• Co-parenting success stories

$30 per person includes dinner, class, parenting experts and an interactive Q&A session. Babysitting is included, reservations required. All seminars and workshops operate on a sliding fee scale basis. Scholarships and discounts are available. Please inquire.

Over 1 million children will see their parents divorce this year, and 50% will experience this life-changing event before turning 18.  At any age, the break up of their parents can leave kids feeling sad, angry, and deeply hurt. Often, the rippling effects of the split can impact the entire family.

How can parents provide emotional stability and guidance through this difficult transition? What are the best ways to co-parent through the adjustment to ensure healthy relationships with both parents? How can custody matters be resolved in the best interest of the entire family?

Divorce: The Rippling Effect is being presented at the RVA Parents Forum Series on Tuesday, January 13, 2015 at 6 p.m. at the Children’s Museum of Richmond- Short Pump location.

The panel of speakers includes:

Jill A.F. Gasper, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist, specializing in working with children, adolescents, and families of divorce. Dr. Gasper is also trained in the collaborative divorce model, serving as a Child Specialist and Divorce Coach.

Lynne B. Einhaus, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Collaborative Divorce Coach.

Julie Cillo, Family Law Attorney with Hall & Hall and Fellow with the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
This session will cover:

• How parents can provide emotional stabilty to their children
• What steps parents can take to guide children through a difficult transition
• Tips to ensure healthy relationships with both parents
• Co-parenting success stories

$30 per person includes dinner, class, parenting experts and an interactive Q&A session. Babysitting is included, reservations required. All seminars and workshops operate on a sliding fee scale basis. Scholarships and discounts are available. Please inquire.

Register for the seminar here

The RVA Parents Forum Series is held the second Tuesday of each month at 6:00 p.m. at the Children’s Museum of Richmond-Short Pump location, 2200 Old Brick Road, Glen Allen, VA 23060.  The 6-part series kicked off October 14, 2014 and will run through April 14, 2015. Cost is $30 and includes dinner, class, parenting experts, and interactive Q&A session. Babysitting is available, reservations required. Please call 804-545-1272.

Making the decision to separate may be difficult for most people. When the decision is made, the parties involved may agree that this decision is best for the entire family.  It is often not an easy decision to make.

During a separation or divorce the entire family is experiencing loss and may have difficulty adjusting to the new normal. Although many things may be different, two things remain the same: Mom is still Mom and Dad is still Dad. Even though the relationship or marriage is dissolved, parents must continue to be parents. Here are a few suggestions to help your family through this difficult time:

1. Allow yourself and your children time to grieve. You may feel waves of emotions ranging from sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion. Grief is a fluid process. Your child may also experience similar emotions. Encourage your child to talk about his or her feelings. Some children may harbor self-blame or think that it is something that he or she has done to cause the separation. Reassure your child that he or she had nothing to do with the decision to separate. When children are working though this difficult time they may become easily frustrated, regress to earlier forms of behavior such a thumb sucking or bed wetting, or may refuse to follow directives.

2. Make the decision co-parent versus parallel parent. Co-parenting is a joint effort it means working together to provide, protect, and prepare your child for their future as an adult. In co-parenting, each parent has a voice in the decisions that are made in the best interest of the child. Parallel parenting is parenting separate but not together. In parallel parenting, each parent has a separate set of rules on how the child should be cared for.

3. Put your child first. Make sure that the decisions you and your ex make are in the best interest of the child rather than a personal vendetta against the other.

4. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. Do not bash your ex in front of your child. If you yell at your ex in front of your child this may underscore the idea that it is not only acceptable to communicate in this way, but also that your ex is undeserving of respect as a parent.

5. Do not put your child in the middle. Do not explain to your child all of the details of your divorce or separation as this make your child feel like they have to choose a parent. Your child needs to know that both parents love them and not the details of the divorce.

6. You can co-parent separately but together. Develop rules around how you will communicate together regarding your. Take the time to plan the details around visitation, day care, education, and extracurricular activities. The best person to make decisions are the parents.

Priscilla Wright is a licensed professional counselor practicing at Commonwealth Behavioral Health Inc. located in Midlothian, Virginia. Ms. Wright holds a master’s degree in Counselor Education and is currently completing a doctorate in Counseling Psychology. Ms. Wright is also a National Certified Counselor. At Commonwealth Behavioral Health Inc., Ms. Wright works with children, adolescents, and adults on issues to include stress management, co-parenting, as well as anxiety and mood disorders. Ms. Wright believes in a holistic (looking at the person as a whole) approach to practice. Ms. Wright’s research interest includes topics on intellectual disabilities, stress management, and topics regarding family systems.

If you are interested in taking co-parenting classes, please contact Commonwealth Behavioral Health.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

It’s such an ugly word to many women.

To others, it’s a word they don’t understand.

And to others, it’s a beautiful word that reminds them of their opportunity to begin living a full and happy life again.

The subject of “divorce” is often whispered in dark corners, behind closed doors, or behind the keyboard. Many women find themselves ashamed to be divorced and believing that they have failed by not doing enough to keep it together. Although divorce is no longer the social stigma it once was, it is still a difficult situation for women dealing with such traumatic change in their lives.

After being married for 39 years this December, I know how blessed I am to be married to my best friend and a man who loves me for who I am. But I also know that many women suffer and endure years of pain during marriage no matter how hard they work at succeeding.

No one enters a marriage anticipating a divorce. But unfortunately, it happens more than we’d like to know.

Sarah was married for 15 years to her high school sweetheart. She and her husband had two beautiful children together and shared some wonderful times. They were both very successful in their professions. They worked to purchase a beautiful home and had considered purchasing a second vacation home in the near future.

But one day something changed.

Roger began to have more mood swings and seemed to take everything out on Sarah. “It was like I was suddenly a punching bag – sometimes it was just an overly hard knock on the shoulder, and at other times, it was a direct hit to my head or eye. The battering was just one thing to endure. The financial devastation from his over-spending and refusal to focus on priorities sent us into debt that eventually spun out of control. Credit card debt mounted but I couldn’t understand where all of the money was going. The harder I worked, the less we had. Many times I tried to confront my husband – but Roger never wanted to talk about what was happening, how to resolve issues, or face the facts. So our personal, financial, and emotional lives spiraled out of control and unhappiness overwhelmed me.”

Sarah’s story is not uncommon. She lived through years of unhappiness, fear, and anxiety. Being one-half of the breadwinning team for the family, she had made a significant investment in their marriage and their financial future together.

Fortunately, Roger never tried to physically abuse the children but his verbal abuse did eventually flow over into their world too. When their son didn’t perform as well as Roger expected during a football game, his cursing and yelling devastated his son. When their daughter came home from school crying because a friend had upset her, Roger berated her for being so weak and not being aggressive enough – leaving her even more upset and confused.

Their world imploded all around them each time Roger exploded about something.

Finally, Sarah knew that divorce was inevitable – no matter how hard it would be. Roger was no longer the man she had married and her only option was to save herself and her children from more torment – and possibly a worse fate. After months of struggling to free herself and begin divorce proceedings, she was finally on her way.

“Looking back, it’s like I’m looking at another woman. Another man. Another world. But then I remember that it was my life. I don’t know how it happened or how we got to that terrible place. But we did. I am so much stronger now and so much happier and healthier than I’ve ever been before. It wasn’t easy to move forward and rebuild my life with my children, but we did it and I’m proud of where we are,” Sarah reflects. “Without the help of a strong support network of women who understood what I had endured, I’m not sure how I would have made it.”

A recent story on Richmondmom.com, Broken, about a woman struggling with domestic violence, gave a voice to many who suffer at the hands of someone they once loved. Richmondmom.com has offered many articles that include resources and information for women facing divorce. Mediation, Marital vs. Separate Property, and Helpful Words from Women Who Have Been in Your Shoes are just some of the resources on our site.

Just like Sarah, many women are searching for the support and help they need. Now, there is an opportunity for women in the Richmond area to learn more about living happier after divorce. It’s a chance to hear stories from dozens of other women who know what it’s like – both before, during, and after divorce.

Living Happier After Divorce Book Author Begins Tour

New ‘Divorce Grief Handbook’ Author Announces Book Tour Event in Richmond, Va.

(Arlington, Va) Author Wilma Jones who was recently featured on “The Audrey Chapman Show” will begin her nationwide book tour at the Asbury Church Hill United Methodist Church in Richmond, VA Saturday, December 8 at 2:00 p.m. The author will speak about the story behind her new book, “Living Happier After: 20 Women Talk About Life After Divorce,” lead a discussion with readers followed by book signing and a meet-and greet.

In” Living Happier After: 20 Women Talk About Life After Divorce” women tell how they overcame the demise of their marriage and started living happier after their divorce. It’s specifically targeted to women who, alongside their husbands were, “bringing home the bacon and cooking it, too” when their lives fell apart. Dr. Audrey Chapman, nationally recognized relationship therapist, author and talk show host contributed the book foreword.

Living Happier After allows you to listen in as over 20 divorced women share their stories about how they got happier during the awful space immediately following separation. Women who overcame abuse, desertion, financial disaster, infidelity and more talk about their personal struggle and what it takes to overcome the end of a marriage and emerge living happier after.

Amazon reader reviews are very positive: “It is your own private group therapy session with powerful positive messages within every chapter!” “Divorce is almost as painful as death, yet Ms Jones’ book puts the topic into perspective. The stories, each unique in their unfolding, guide the reader to the river of all that is possible. This is a must-read for anyone in the early stages, but also validating for those of us who have made the choice to live happier after.”

Jones has become an expert in living happier after divorce, or any devastating life experience, thanks to the principles of Positive Psychology. Through an intensive period of reading and researching, including speaking with hundreds of people, surveying more than 100 women, and conducting in-depth interviews with more than 20 women, she confirmed what it takes to become healthy and happy after devastation.

Living Happier After: 20 Women Talk About Life After Divorce is available for purchase at Amazon.com in both paperback and Kindle formats, BarnesandNoblecom for the Nook, iPad and various outlets online. Readers are encouraged to get the book to participate in the discussion period. The Living Happier After Book Tour will travel to over 30 cities in 2013. Specific dates and locations will be posted at www.LivingHappierAfter.com on the Latest Info page.

Click here for some helpful advice from women in your shoes.

__________________________________________________________

Articles from Bucci & Dix

• What Factors A Virginia Court Looks at When Deciding Child Custody
• Pendente Lite Relief
• Marital vs. Separate Property – What a court can and cannot split up during a divorce

Tell your funny wedding store and win great prizes.

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Examples of pendente  lite relief include the following:

• An order compelling a spouse to pay any sums necessary to maintain a dependent spouse
• An order that one spouse be required to provide healthcare coverage to the other spouse
• An order requiring one spouse to provide the funds necessary for the other spouse to pursue the suit
• An order preventing either spouse from imposing any restraint on the personal liberty of the other spouse
• An order to provide for the custody and maintenance of any minor children
• An order establishing visitation rights
• An order requiring that one or both parties provide health care coverage, cash medical support, or both, for the children
• An order to provide child support pursuant to Virginia’s child support guidelines
• An order to support any child over age 18 if that child meets certain factors under Virginia law
• An order granting to one spouse the exclusive use and possession of the family residence throughout the course of litigation
• An order preserving the estate of either spouse
• An order excluding a family or household member from the family residence upon proper showing

Of course, the parties can also agree to similar terms on their own without court intervention.  However, when parties to a divorce are unable to agree, the court does have the authority to enter any of the above forms of relief to a petitioning spouse.  Pendente lite support received by a spouse has no bearing on that spouse’s right to support after dissolution, child support after dissolution, or any equitable distribution.   Pendente lite relief is also available in cases other than divorce when custody or visitation of a child is sought.

An experienced family law attorney can help you determine if any form of pendente lite relief is appropriate for your particular situation and can assist you in obtaining it.

Before a court can begin the process of equitable distribution, it has to make a preliminary determination as to what property can be divided.  For this purpose, there are three categories of property:  1)  separate; 2)  marital; and 3)  hybrid property.  Marital property is subject to division by the court, and separate property is not.  Hybrid property, as the name suggests, is somewhere in between.

Separate property, defined by the Virginia State Code § 20-107.3, includes the following:  1)  all property, real or personal, acquired by either party before the marriage; 2)  all property acquired during the marriage by bequest, devise, descent, survivorship or gift from a source other than the other party; 3)  all property acquired during the marriage in exchange for or from the proceeds of sale of separate property, provided that such property acquired during the marriage is maintained as separate property.

Marital property, also defined in Virginia Code § 20-107.3, includes:  1)  all property titled in the names of both parties, with some exceptions; and 2)  all property that is acquired during the marriage that is not separate property.

While these definitions are slightly wordy, the general idea is that if you owned property before a marriage or received an individual gift or inheritance during a marriage, you’re going to get to keep it after a divorce.  This sort of property is considered “separate,” and cannot be transferred from one spouse to another by a court.  All other property acquired during the marriage is considered “marital,” and will be split up by a court during the equitable distribution process.

The last category of property, “hybrid” property, is property that is part marital and part separate.  For example, let’s say Husband inherited a parcel of land prior to the marriage.  During the marriage, Husband and Wife built a small cabin on the land with money earned from their respective jobs, and they use it as a vacation home.

In this example, the cabin would be considered hybrid property.  Husband inherited the land before the marriage, and that part of the property would be considered separate.  But during the marriage, Wife contributed money, time and effort to the construction of the cabin.  The increase in value of the land created by the construction of the cabin is marital property.  In valuing the improved real estate for equitable distribution purposes, a court would probably say Husband is entitled to the entire value of the land plus half the value of the cabin, and Wife is entitled to the other half of the value of the cabin.

The determination of marital versus separate property can become complicated, especially if the marriage has a large number of assets or hybrid property is involved.  In many cases, it may be helpful to consult an attorney for help determining what property you are entitled to during an equitable distribution.

In closing, it’s worth noting that in many divorces the spouses do not wish to litigate the issue of property division in court, and they are able to reach an agreement on their own as to how to divide it.  When this happens, the spouses can enter into a written contract – called a property settlement agreement – that memorializes the agreement.  Property settlement agreements can be incorporated into a final decree of divorce, thereby allowing the spouses to bypass the need for a court hearing and avoid the uncertainty of leaving the decision up to a judge.

These are some helpful words from Richmond women who have been through divorce, presented by Scott Bucci of Bucci & Dix.

The rules of kindness always apply even though your former spouse may be angry, manipulative, or downright mean. Keep your integrity by refusing to stoop to a low level.
~ Angie ~

Be brave, be true to yourself and be strong. It is the hardest thing a woman could ever go through – letting go of her past life and all her hopes and dreams. Believe in yourself, believe that you deserve happiness, and believe that you will find it again.
~ Kate ~

My best advice is stop blaming yourself, try to be kind, and open minded; find friends, run, do stretching, take a deep breath, take regular walks, read some good books, keep a diary; put make-up on everyday, make yourself look BEAUTIFUL every single day, save money, try to surround yourself with happy positive people, and pray, pray, pray….
~ Anna ~

Just breathe! Focus on all of the positive aspects of your life. Despite the fact that it seems like you are the only one going through this difficult hardship, someone else has it ten times harder than you. Look at this experience as learning about your inner core. The best revenge will be to move on.. do it with integrity, honesty and grace. You are a beautiful woman and deserve so much better, and believe me better is out there!
~ Brandy ~

Change your bedroom to make it your own space. Even little things like new linens or rearranging the furniture can make it feel like a new room. Don’t forget to add scented oil or candles that smell just the way you like!
~ Julie ~

Bucci & Dix Law Firm, a leading legal firm for divorce, custody, and personal injury in Richmond. Bucci & Dix is an advertiser of Richmondmom.com.