Top 10 New Year Resolutions I Will Not Keep

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Well, it’s that time of year again. When we all make promises, resolutions, intentions and plans like we’ll be different people in January. And we might be. Until we catch up with ourselves in February.

Here’s what my January self will be doing until December Alex shows up.

1. Dress my age, which is 33. This means I have to wear skinny jeans and heels instead of a mumu and slippers. Maybe I can pretend to be 75.

2. Take more time for myself. After looking over my schedule, midnight to 1 a.m. works perfectly.

3. Get more sleep. If I do #2, I’ll need to sleep in until 9:30 in the morning. Sorry Scott. And kids. And work. And school.

4. See my friends more. I wonder if they’re available at 1 a.m.?

5. Have a clean house. Related: Buy a new house.

6. Get in shape. I already have a gym membership from August. I last saw the inside of that gym in September, BUT FREEZING COLD JANUARY WILL BE DIFFERENT.

7. Spend an entire weekend writing. I’ll just fire my family Friday night and rehire them on Sunday.

8. Stop taking things like Facebook, Twitter and people so personally. (I hope everyone else’s New Year’s resolution is to be nicer to me.)

9. Be a better listener instead of assuming which way the conversation is going. Of course, I’m usually right but I’m going to try to listen anyway even while you go on and on and on about the subject trying to get out of what I want you to do even though you clearly should do it because you must have forgotten about the time that I helped you last week or that time next week when you are gone three nights in a row so how am I supposed to not think that I should have tonight and wait, what? Oh, you’re okay with my plans even though I have to leave right now? And you’ve been trying to say that for the last 10 minutes?

10. Be on time to every appointment by turning the clocks to Daylight Savings Time on New Year’s Day. This is the one resolution I can keep until March 11th!

See you next year – a little larger, a little less fashionable and completely exhausted.

Happy New Year!
By Alex Iwashyna, blogger at Late Enough