I want to have well-mannered children. One of my favorite aspects of living in the South is “yes, ma'am” and “no, sir.” I may have to say, “I didn’t hear any nice words,” fifty times a day, but my kids immediately say, “May I please have a squeeze-y yogurt, mama?” And sometimes, I even get that first.
However, there are certain manners that are more complicated than please and thank you. These more difficult ideas have been integrated into our adult lives for so long we don’t realize how insane they are until we have children.
When we burp, we say, “Excuse me,” but when we burp out our butts, we pretend it didn’t happen. Sure, kids can say excuse me for the first few years, but what happens when mama farts in the grocery store line? MAMA, YOU TOOTED! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY EXCUSE ME? And trust me, by the time they are 3 years old, you can’t blame it on them. They are too tuned into their bottoms to fall for it.
Another favorite of mine, because I'm a picker, is when we pick our nose, we are supposed to use a tissue except when we are in a car because we’re suddenly INVISIBLE. Or we are allowed to pick a booger if we use a knuckle. Knuckles are somehow not fingers so they don’t count unless your kid sees you do it because in science class the knuckle is a joint OF THE FINGER, and the question will be asked, “Why can’t I pick my nose, too, Dada?”
The manners list doesn't end there. There are wedgies and ear wax and eye boogers to pick. Friends with food in their teeth and flies down and cookies to share and how to invite not quite everyone over for parties. Best friends and good friends and just friends and acquaintances and not friends at all. There is so much to navigate with only manners and luck and fortitude and OMG please don't take that personally. And I’m not even very good at some of those things as an adult in her 30s.
But I have boogers and farts down pat and I'm good at teaching my kids to care about others. I think we're okay for a few more years before we need that social etiquette tutor.
