To your left please view one of my favorite profile pictures.
I like to pretend I look like this at least once a week. In truth, I get out of my cargoes and Converse about once every five years.
When you log into Facebook and go to your home page it prompts you to comment by asking, “What’s on your mind?”
In real life when people ask you what’s on your mind, 90 percent of the time you say, “Nothing.”
The other 10 percent of the time, things are so bad you flood them with matters so private and tragic they consider calling two therapists, one for you and one for themselves.
On Facebook, however when the computer says, ”What’s up?” we seem to have something to say, even if it’s just to tell you our cat just ate a fur ball.
Let’s examine four Facebook archetypes:
The Complainer
Nothing is every good enough for this person. They will never be happy and they want us to know it at 7:00 a.m., 10:27 p.m., and 12:14 in the afternoon. You read the story of their life in bite sized pieces and you can’t believe it’s that bad. If everyone put all his or her problems into a pile, this person would be the bulk of the pile.
You start to wonder if they really have problems or if THEY are the problem.
The One-Upper
No matter what pictures you put up, they put up cuter ones. You put up vacation photos from Ocean City and theirs are from Acapulco. You post something cute your kid says but theirs is so much ridiculously cuter that they are in the running for the grand prize in America’s Funniest Home Videos. You look at their page and wonder how they manage to maintain a varied eclectic and gorgeous group of friends as well as keep that successful Valentine remembering husband happy and the kids well don’t even ask, they belong on the Cosby show.
The News Caster
This is the person who never posts anything personal but they post links to various causes, political issues and newspaper articles like your very own morning news show with a newscaster you have not chosen.
The Gamer
Those who spend every waking hour on the farm and by that I mean the electronic one called Farmville. I didn’t get it until Words with Friends and within two hours of playing I had realized two games wasn’t near enough. I had to have 16 games in limbo so I could play a word at any moment of the day.
Never fear, I hardly ever write about something that I haven’t been guilty of myself and judging by a random sampling from the past four years of my Facebook statuses; I am indeed an idiot.
“Went to the casino and racetrack in West Virginia last night. It’s a good thing I have kids and a husband and a reason to leave that place (and that I didn’t bring my ATM card).”
“Oh Yay, the Christmas hangover… always best when shared with family.”
“They might make me come to work this early today but I won’t comb my hair for it.”
“Oh Crap, I’m becoming a coupon queen.”
“How is it that I am almost 40 with almost 2 degrees and I almost never come home from work without food on my tie or mulch under my fingernails? What’s worse is, I sort of like it.”
“I had a burger with an egg on it last night and it was delicious.”
Does this mean that I am an idiot or that we should all stop updating each other on the minutest aspects of our daily drudgery or should we make Facebook more like the annual Christmas card?
You know the one where everyone’s teeth are gleaming, best face forward, holding trophies, and wearing medals with perfectly coiffed hair and matching sweaters?
HMMMMMM. I’d rather be an idiot and besides — that burger with fried egg WAS really out of this world and I want you to know it.
What face do you put on Facebook?
About Rebecca Suder