Parenting Books are OK In My Book
In reaction to a recent article by Alex on Richmondmom.com entitled “My Parenting Style: Human Who Has Not Been Here Long” I really felt compelled to write an article sticking up for parenting books, and seeking help with parenting in general.
Parenting books – or all books, for that matter – are valuable.
Some humans did not have the opportunity to observe or experience any sort of good parenting. By default, most humans parent the way they were parented and despite wanting something different for their children, revert back to familiar tactics. Furthermore, many humans have difficulty reflecting on their experiences and behaving in a different way. And not everybody has a knowledgeable, supportive person they can go to for parenting advice, or a partner with whom they can make sound, value-based decisions in a rational manner.
Some of us need help thinking through how to do that. Books can help fill that void.
Or are we to expect people to just figure it out? That’s what I affectionately call YOYO parenting: You’re on your own. That is not a good approach, for the parent, for the child, or for society at large. It takes a village to raise a child, and to help parents be the best they can be. Parenting books and parenting classes and parenting blogs like this one are, in my opinion, part of that village and necessary to help us ALL reflect on ourselves in the mirror and figure out how we can continue to do better by our children.
In the absence of supportive advice-givers, and in the absence of books and other knowledge supports, some people may just have a mirror to look into. But some people may not like what they see in the mirror. Then what?
Books are a great place to go to seek some help, and there is no shame in seeking help. In fact, “asking for help is the sign of a good parent, not a bad one” – to quote the tag line of Richmond Families are Magic.
Dissing the ‘parenting style’ advocated by some of these books is akin to judging the book by its cover. So you may not like the catch-phrase title of the book “Scream Free Parenting”. Or you may think it’s just a trend, a fad, and setting people up to pit one parenting style against another. But isn’t that judging a book by its cover? And how are those things the book’s fault? I, for one, am entirely open to the possibility that the researchers and professionals who write these books may know more than me about something, and that they have something I can learn from.
I’ve actually read “Scream Free Parenting” and really enjoyed it. It reinforced to me that the only person whose emotions and behaviors I can control are my own, and it presented some good strategies on how to do that. Is my parenting strategy to be a “scream free parent”? No. I am just a human, trying to raise other humans, and seeking help from a book to help me think about things.
I also read “1-2-3 Magic” upon advice of our pediatrician. It’s a great book. It helped both my husband and I more effectively use the “count down” technique that we had heard others use but had never really heard explained. That book also taught me how to use an egg timer to help our kids get a task done in a way that avoids crying and tantrums. It was kind of like a miracle.
Reading a parenting book is akin to shopping for new tools to add to your toolbox to help you get the job done. Some you’ll put in the toolbox, some you will skip. But you might never know if you don’t go shopping for tools in the first place.
I will freely admit, although my parents were pretty great, as I’ve parented for 5 years now I’ve realized that my toolbox was lacking. It’s ok to say that, and it’s ok to seek help to build your toolbox. I think we parents should encourage and support other parents to seek and receive help, from whatever source they may choose.
About Mary Beth Cox