When I was twenty-two years old I dropped my three- year old son, Beau, off for the first time at preschool. For the first three weeks, I stood at the window, while he pulled the curtains apart from the inside and stared out, screaming bloody murder. I stood there, my wretched tortured face inches from the glass like he was the boy in the bubble and this was our last visit. Finally, the wise older women whose care he was in had had enough and came out and said,
“Honey he stops crying the minute you leave. So if you really want him not to be sad I suggest you just go ahead and do that.”
“Do what?” I asked incredulously. “I will do anything, “ I opined, heart wrenchingly.
“Leave,” she said.
Oh that….. okay.
He never cried again and I learned more from school then he did that day.
So, don’t do it. Don’t wrap them up and coo in their ear every time you pick them up as if they can finally breath now that you are back. Don’t grasp at them with one last hug like you might never see them again as you drop them off at the door.
Whatever you do, don’t stand at the window like I did because I know for a fact that that doesn’t work.
Let your kid manage his own lunchbox, bag, mittens, and coat. Let him find or lose them as he may; learn this early on or you will be following around a hulking teenager in tenth grade searching for his science labs and bringing him salami on rye at lunchtime.
Don’t over praise. Every piece of artwork is not a miracle. Sometimes kids just sit at that table and paste or cut or paint because they have to. The day they come rushing up to you about to pee their pants and waving purple card stock dangerously close to your nose; that day, pay attention. That day, it’s important to them and even though it’s important, it’s still not Picasso. Praise their effort and ask questions about what the hell it is because you probably won’t be able to tell, which leads us back to the Picasso thing.
Get to know your kid’s teacher. The more invested your child’s teacher is in your child and their family, the more invested they are. Some teachers will love despite the parents. They will feel no prejudice even though mom has raked them across the coals for making their child participate in circle time or asked them to put junior in advanced algebra for three year olds, but we are all heartbreakingly human and have our faults so cover your bases and don’t hedge your bets; be nice.
Let’s face it, at the beginning stages of school, it is the teacher that really matters. As a parent I could have cared less if my son was counting navy beans correctly or gluing appropriately. All I wanted for Beau and Donovan was a teacher to think they were as special as I did. I wanted a teacher who knew Beau always wanted to wear soft pants and hated to get his hands wet. A teacher who noticed that Donovan never went to the Art Center and always built with blocks. A teacher who wanted to hear my child when he told he for the fiftieth time about his favorite Thomas the Tank Engine train or a teacher who at least pretended to listen like I did sometimes at home.
Learning is important but playing and learning how to socialize is more important. Most preschool teachers spend the first half of the year teaching kids how to behave in a group. They teach them how to walk in a never straight, somewhat wobbly line. They teach them how to help their fellow friend and put their belongings in their own bag.
The best lessons my kids ever learned at that age did NOT happen at a table or with a pencil in hand.
Note your child’s behavior with the teachers. They know the difference between right and wrong and can employ it when necessary; the fact that they melt into little puddles the minute mom shows up, shows they are playing you like a fiddle, like a deck of cards, like a game of monopoly or at least trying to.
I don’t think your kids SHOULDN’T have a meltdown, kids do. I don’t think they WON’T try to manipulate you, kids do.
But when they do, (and they will) please don’t sink to your knees and envelope them as if they have been gone for two years on a tour of duty and this is the first time in 730 days that you have laid eyes on them when they simply don’t want to put their boots on.
Don’t let your kids engage you in a drama that would rival Madame Butterfly; as I said before I have been the star of that show and not only were there no curtain calls but I’m pretty sure the teacher just wanted to close the curtains- on my face.
About Rebecca Suder