Tammy and her son Malcolm
When she was a child, and people asked Tammy what she wanted to be when she grew up, she told them she wanted to be a mom. People may not have found that particularly ambitious at the time, but Tammy wasn’t kidding around.
In fact, she stopped counting after 40 kids.
Tammy has has been fostering kids in need for 23 years. In addition to her 4 biological children, fostering lead Tammy to adopt 5 kids with one adoption finalized this past month. And in case that wasn’t enough to be a mom we totally love (and are pretty in awe of) she’s helping other parents too. Tammy is the UMFS Resource Family Liaison and she helps perspective foster parents through the training process.
Are there more foster kids in Tammy’s future? Probably. She says as long as her kids are in the house she’ll be fostering. After that she might take a little break.
We can’t blame her, but we’re totally amazed and humbled by her incredible work.
We got a chance to catch her by phone and email to talk about both parenting and fostering kids.
Rmom: You’ve always wanted to be a parent. Are there any parents that you really admire?
TF: This may sound cliché but I have always admired my mother. She was a single parent after my father and she divorced when I was five. She later remarried when I was 12. The one thing I admire most about my mother is that I always knew she loved me and that she would always be there. She may not have liked my behaviors or agreed with my choices but she would always preserve our relationship even when expressing her dissatisfaction. She also did a lot of informal foster care, taking in children whose parents were struggling. I know that had an impact on me wanting to be a parent but also on wanting to be a foster parent.
Rmom: What is your parenting M.O.?
TF: I believe relationship is important. This does not mean that you cater to a child or that you never make a parenting decision that is unpopular. It means that no matter what, you as the parent, do all in your power to preserve the relationship between yourself and your child. You can set limits and boundaries and not agree with choices a child makes but you maintain the relationship.
I often say that I want to be the parent that when I am called to the principal’s office because my child misbehaved, I want my child to see me come in and relax not become fearful. This does not mean that there won’t be consequences for misbehavior but it means that my child knows that I still love them even when they’ve misbehaved and we will work it out as a family. Erma Bombeck said, “A child needs love the most when he deserves it the least.” I find this painfully true when working with foster and adopted children but it holds true for biological children as well.
Rmom: What type of person makes a good foster parent?
TF: Some of the qualities I see that make a foster parent successful are:
-Commitment. You have to believe in what you’re doing and know why you’re doing it. This is what you hold on to so that you stay committed when things are tough.
-Patience. I’ve heard parents say “How many more times do I have to tell you…?” I always think “One more time.” You never know when it’s going to click so you have to have the patience to stick with it until a child gets it. That can be school work or behavior, some kids just need more time to learn.
-Nuture. This includes spending time with a child and developing a relationship with them. Foster care isn’t about just letting a child live with you. You are the person who has the privilege of learning about this child, understanding this child and guiding this child for the time that they are with you. It is an amazing responsibility.
-A Willingness to Learn. Even if you’ve parented before, you will need to learn new techniques and strategies for reaching children. You do what you know. If that is working, keep doing it. But, when it isn’t working, instead of doing more of the same, reach out to the team and learn different ways to intervene.
Rmom: Parents sometimes worry how fostering will impact their biological children, how has fostering affected your children?
TF: I would not be completely honest if I didn’t say that there were times when fostering was hard for my children. They didn’t always like new people joining the family or dealing with the behaviors that often accompanied them or sharing their space or their mother. But I can honestly say that my children have learned that they are very fortunate in that they have been spared the experiences that some of my foster children have lived. This makes them grateful.
Tammy with her 3 of her children: Chloe, Malcolm & Stephen (left to right) on the day of Malcolm’s adoption.
Rmom: What brings a child to foster care? How long does a foster child stay in your care?
TF: Children come into foster care primarily because they’ve experienced abuse or neglect. The timeline can vary for how long a child remains with a family but we suggest to expect 18 months.
Rmom: How do you support the emotional needs of foster kids and their foster families? Does UMFS provide any help?
TF: Emotional needs of the foster child are supported by the foster parent usually with the help of a therapist. Foster families and children are also supported by their UMFS worker and other staff. UMFS also hosts a monthly support group which enables you to network with other foster families.
Rmom: What does being a foster parent cost? Does a parent get paid to foster?
TF: There are four fees associated with being a foster parent at UMFS. Those fees cover background checks- FBI and CPS, a DMV report and a health statement.
A foster parent receives a monthly stipend to offset the costs of caring for a child. Children in foster care have Medicaid for medical, dental and therapy expenses. Children are assessed on a case-by-case basis for additional support through the use of the VEMAT tool.
Rmom: Is the process of becoming a foster parent long?
TF: Not really. At UMFS our trainings are completed in a month. The homestudy process can take 3-4 months after that provided there are no conflicts that cause delays.
Rmom: How do I get started?
TF: Your first step is to call (804)254-9695 and ask for the Orientation Schedule. The Orientation is designed to give you more information so that you can make a decision as to whether foster care is for you.
