New Year! New You!
I’ve been really wanting to change myself, and it seems like 2015 would be the perfect year to do it! And who better to guide my way than the ever-changing celebrities, sports figures and 24-hour news cycle.
Can you guess which story inspired each of my 15 New Year Resolutions?
- I will create an Alex doll outfitted with all my bad behaviors over the last two decades and see if anyone will sell it to children.
- I will record an album and force it on to everyone’s computer because who doesn’t want to hear me sing?
- I will take the stairs and walk the mall and jog in place while giving myself a rash.
- I will host a late night television show.
- I will take pictures of my butt.
- I will move back to my home state of Connecticut and expect a huge homecoming only to leave the state wondering if I’ll move away in a year.
- I will finally get married and all the women will cry. (Okay, I’m already married but maybe we can at least renew our vows in Venice.)
- I will get a divorce and make it sound like a yoga position.
- I will create much strife and hand-wringing until finally voting to change nothing.
- I will visit Cuba.
- I will shake it off until Taylor Swift tells me to do something different.
- I will dump ice water on my head to get out of paying things.
- I will dabble in performance art after plagiarizing people. I will need paper bags and the ability to not talk for extended periods of time.
- I will check into rehab for something — maybe even two somethings.
- And finally, I will retire until I get arrested for riding my bike the wrong way.
Answers:
- Breaking Bad figurines are put in then taken out of the toy aisle
- U2 teams up with Apple and their new album pops up on everyone’s iTunes whether they want it or not
- FitBit Force recalled after causing wrist rashes
- Jimmy Fallon & Steven Colbert take over late night television
- Kim Kardashian’s naked pictures with photographer Jean-Paul Goude
- LeBron James leaves Miami for his hometown of Cleveland (and now there’s talk he might not stay for next season)
- George Clooney marries Amal Alamuddin
- Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t divorce — they consciously uncoupled
- Scotland’s vote for independence fails
- Obama normalizes relations with Cuba
- Taylor Swift is crowned the queen of pop after her breakout, non-country album and after removing her music from Spotify
- ALS ice bucket challenge
- Shia LaBeouf
- Too many to name and I do hope it works for those who need it.
- Alec Baldwin publicly retiring from public life until becoming public bike enemy #1 in NYC
Happy New Year!
