When my son was born, two new beings emerged at once: my little baby, along with a revamped version of myself. Here are some truths I learned in a single day after becoming a mother for the first time.

Motherhood is an instant clarifying agent. Within hours of pushing our son into the world, my brain reordered every single thing in my life by priority, with baby/family at the very top of the list. Work worries, socializing, what to cook for dinner…nearly everything faded into background noise as I focused almost entirely on the new little person in my life. There’s nothing like becoming a parent to get your priorities in order, pronto.

I should trust myself more. Like many first time moms-to-be, I had no clue what I was in for. Family, friends and strangers dumped metric tons of advice onto me. It was a lot of work separating the nuggets of wisdom (“No one will know and love your baby like you do, so never apologize for decisions you make in his best interest.”) from half thought out snippets based on old wives tales and labor horror stories (“Your husband will probably faint in the delivery room…he’s not used to seeing your lady bits in that light.” Or, “I had a 3^rd-degree tear with my first, which led to the bowel incontinence…be smart and request a C-section early.”) In the end, my body knew what to do during labor and my mind clicked into mommy mode automatically after the baby was here. My husband and I agree that our birth experience was awesome because we listened to ourselves and trusted our guts. And no, he didn’t faint in the delivery room and my bowels are still intact, thankyouverymuch.

I’ll never compare having pets to having kids again. Ever. We have two adorable Chihuahuas, Bella and DJ. They’re even-tempered, friendly little pooches with tons of personality and they’ve brought us a great deal of joy over the years. Up until the birth of our son, we referred to the pups as our kids and lavished a wealth of attention and affection on them. But we fell into a depthless well of love the moment David came into the world; what we feel for our pets is absolutely minute by comparison. Now I get why my friends who were already parents would sometimes roll their eyes when pre-baby me talked about our “dogs kids” with the fondness usually reserved for human kids.

Time and the outside world melt away when you have a newborn. As if I were living in some strange altered dimension, time vanished as soon as we brought our son home. What I thought was an hour spent trying to accomplish a few very simple tasks (feed the baby, change his diaper, fold a basket of laundry, load the dishwasher) would suddenly stretch into a marathon of busy-ness. When I’d glance at my phone, two or three hours would have slipped by. I saw pretty quickly that I needed to focus on one task at a time, instead of trying to do 4 different things at once. At least until I earned my champion multitasking mama badge.

Boundaries are really important. I can’t overstate this one, and it’s important to establish them early. We weren’t as clear as we thought we were about some of boundaries (who could and couldn’t come to the hospital to visit immediately after our son was born, how often we could handle guests dropping by after we came home, reasons we wouldn’t let smokers hold our newborn, how often we’d post about our baby on social media, etc.) The lack of clear boundaries led to some frustration and hurt feelings–the last thing we needed to deal with as we transitioned into life with a new baby. I also wasn’t prepared for the fierce, mama bear protectiveness that bloomed inside me once our little guy got here.

Here are a few extras, little bits of “Aha!” that I’ve picked up early into parenthood.

-Wait…don’t pack up those maternity clothes just yet. I felt (and probably looked) most comfortable in my maternity duds for several weeks after delivering our baby. It took 9 or 10 months to grow your belly (and butt and hips, et cetera); it won’t magically melt away the moment you walk out of the hospital.

-Once baby is home, you’ve bonded and you’re feeling ready to venture out into the world, know this: it will take you longer than your ever thought possible to leave the house. I started adding an extra hour onto the timeframe of my pre-baby get out of the house routine.

-ALWAYS keep a wipe over your son’s privates during diaper changes. The few times I tried to skip this step, that’s when my precious baby boy sprayed me like a hose.

-In the first few weeks, I’d forgo precious hours of sleep in the dead of night so I could stay awake and watch my son breathe. I called the pediatrician countless times with any number of questions after confusing myself by reading dozens of baby health articles online. I pumped breast milk every 3 hours nearly around the clock for weeks, to build up a supply for David to drink after I returned to work. On one busy, sleep-deprived day I realized: I was doing everything I possibly could to make sure he was safe, warm, fed and loved. Once I gave myself credit for being the best mom I could each day for my son, I was able to relax into motherhood and enjoy our new life together.

What did you learn soon after becoming a parent for the first time? Is there anything you’d do differently or things you’d wish you’d known ahead of time?             

It’s not that I don’t like cooking; I do, actually. It’s just the frequency.  Dinner happens every. Single. Night.  And usually, I’m short on time. And ideas. There is an ideas issue too… and then of course the ingredients.

So basically, dinner takes more time, energy, and brain power than I have on a Thursday night when I get home from work at 6:30…my husband is already half way out the door and my 3rd grader is saying something about some paper I need to sign, and at least the kindergartner needs to be bathed and the 2 year old just wants me to hold him.

In short: I needed this moment I’m having right now.

It’s noon on a Friday morning and I have the next 3 busy weeknight meals ready to go. My kitchen is virtually untouched from when I cleaned it last night.

I have Lemon Chicken with Feta, Beach Street Shrimp Scampi with Pasta and Outlaw Chicken Marinara all waiting to be popped in the oven or heated on the stove top (by my husband before I even get home from work) right when I need it.  Over all, my meals are 400 calories and under, made with fresh ingredients, no preservatives or additives and came out to under $5.50 a serving (that’s cheaper than McDonalds) – plus, there’s no mess in the kitchen and no wasted ingredients.

The secret to my spectacular display of domesticity?

Dream Dinners.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I walked in, but everyone was really friendly while showing me the ropes.  It’s part cooking show, part assembly line, and it’s a surprising amount of fun.  

Garlic I didn’t have to peel myself

A station is set up for each meal – fresh ingredients are completely laid out at each station and the directions are super simple to follow (they even color coded it). I zipped up to the first station and was done with my first dinner in just about 10 minutes; no washing, no chopping, no prep work -and my favorite: no clean up! Each station is kept super clean by the staff (which is great for me because I’m a notoriously messy cook).  Moms, retirees, people going solo and groups of friends bustled around the store laughing and talking and assembling meals… but it didn’t seem over crowded at all; it was actually quite inviting, the employees seemed to know everyone by name (yep, kinda like Cheers).

Dream Dinners makes it easy to customize your meals, which allowed me to go easy on spices I knew my kids won’t eat, and add a little extra cheese or garlic.  The portion sizes were reasonable too; in fact we might get more than three servings out of the Outlaw Chicken Marinara.  On the top of the bag sits your heating instructions so you don’t have to remember anything (except what’s in your freezer, but don’t worry, you’ll get a sheet of paper and a fridge magnet for that too).

Beach Street Shrimp Scampi

Want fries with that?  Dream Dinners has stocked the freezer full of great sides to go with your recipes – purchase your recipes as is or add a side dish or two. Need a fast breakfast? It’s in the freezer. Dessert? Got that too.  You can even pick up a few meals from last month’s menu, freshly frozen and waiting for your dinner plate. If you’d like to sign up for next month, the menu is waiting for you and you can schedule your next visit and get an email reminder when it’s time to come – they even let your rate your meals online so if you loved something (or didn’t) it will tell you the next time it comes up on the menu.

So here I sit, already loving life, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to love it even more on Wednesday night when a fresh and healthy dinner is waiting for me when I get home.

Will I go back? You bet! I love that I can try different meals without being stuck with a ton of left over ingredients, and I get to avoid that deep depression I get when I find a bag of mush in the crisper that contained some sort of vegetable I bought… Besides, the February menu has Parmesan Pesto Salmon with Cheese Crisps on it… sign me up!

Live in the West End but don’t want to miss out on fresh dinners? Have meals made by Dream Dinners staff delivered to the Daily Grind, select a Thursday 3:00 pm session and use the password ‘short pump’ (case sensitive).

Dream Dinners just opened in their new location
12006 Southshore Pointe Rd.
Midlothian, VA 23112
804-739-6442

Visit Dream Dinners online to check out the menu and book your time.

Dream Dinners provided me with 3 meals so I could come out and give them a try. The opinions, and subsequent Dream Dinners addiction, are all my own.

Each month starting in October we give away great prizes, soak up a relaxed atmosphere, chow down on delicious free appetizers and have a really great time… who knew philanthropy could be this fun?!

If you haven’t joined us for Wine Down yet here’s what you can expect:

– $10 at the door goes directly to charity.

– Generous glasses of wine at a great discount.

-Delicious FREE appetizers provided by The Wine Loft.

– Raise more money for the selected non-profit by purchasing raffle tickets and winning great prizes.

-Meet new people (like Christa and Sarah from Richmondmom.com) and network or grab a quiet spot for you and a friend to enjoy a kid-free catch up.

As much as $1,000 is raised each month in just a couple hours at each event at the Wine Loft so feel good about connecting with other parents, family-focused businesses and raising money for a great cause.

We’re kicking off  Wine Down season by raising funds for The Pink Tie Gala- The eighth annual dance to raise funds for Breast Cancer awareness, grant programs, survivor support, education, and research, in our community.

RSVP and invite your friends on Facebook

Wine Down
At The Wine Loft in Short Pump
October 1, 2014
6:30pm

For businesses owners who would like to donate a raffle prize, we appreciate you! Please contact us: christa@richmondmom.com.

These events may also be sponsored by businesses owners. If you’re interested in sponsoring a future Wine Down event, let us know. We’d love to hear from you.

Which is why The Friday Kids Club might be the answer to my date night prayers.

Virginia Rep’s will have a Friday Kids Club on the second Friday of each performance in the Signature Season, and Virginia Rep will watch your children while you go see the show!

That’s right.
In. House. Babysitting. While you get a date or a night out with friends.

But hold on…

This service will be free to subscribers (so a subscription basically just paid for itself) and only $10 for non-subscribers.

During Friday Kids Club, trained staff will entertain your kid(s) nearby in the theatre with theatre games and activities, and provide them with a snack.

So mark your calendars right now, because you’re going on a date (finally) and you aren’t going to have to pay an arm and a leg for it.

Click here for a chance to win tickets to Equivocation and FREE babysitting to go with it!

Friday Kids Club will take place during the following performances:

• Equivocation – October 3, 2014 at 8:00 p.m.

• Mame – November 28, 2014 at 8:00 p.m.

• The Whipping Man – February 20, 2015 at 8:00 p.m.

• Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike – May 1, 2015 at 8:00 p.m.

• South Pacific – July 3, 2015 at 8:00 p.m.

Friday Kids Club is for children ages 4-12, and a reservation is required.

To reserve a space at Friday Kids Club, call the Box Office at (804) 282-2620.

Click here for subscription information for Virginia Rep.

Virginia Rep is a sponsor of Richmondmom.com

When we’re young, we have infinite futures. Three-year-olds, who are good at golf, don’t all grow up to be Tiger Woods, but the boy with the crazy name grew up to be president. We just don’t know what will happen when we gaze out at the world with baby rolls and tentative steps.

But the years pass and paths quickly disappear.

By high school, the vast majority of pee-wee football players are already not fast enough or strong enough to play in college, let alone the NFL.

By college, we pick majors that have nothing to do with going to the moon, or we can’t afford to attend college at all and 75% of jobs people dream about are unavailable to us.

By our 20s, we aren’t running for office. We are sitting in a cubicle wondering if we’ll get out of the office in time to vote the guy who is running for president.

Is this depressing? I don’t know. Most adults aren’t lamenting their lack of space travel or presidential bids. As we age, do our dreams change to having a family and not having a car payment because those are better dreams or because those are more realistic? On our death bed, do we say, “I wish I had spent more time with my family” rather than “I wish I had become an NFL quarterback” because family would have made us happier or because football was a ridiculous dream?

I’m turning 36 years old this month, and I remember the plans I had for my life including all the quotes at the beginning of this piece. Instead, I found happiness in a nice marriage, great kids and way too many animals for any normal house (5!). I sought joy in spending time with friends and family and voluntarily helping those in need.

Do I question my life choices? Well, none of those childhood dreams came close to becoming true, but I like my adult life anyway. The path diverged in the woods and I took the one that made my Nana proud even if no one will ever throw me a parade. In reality, I don’t believe presidents and astronauts have it better than me, but I still wonder where all the other paths went. It’s odd to realize that my life choices are now limited to my previous work experience, my knowledge base and how much time and energy I can and wish to put into doing the brand new, and most dreams will never be available to me no matter what I put into it.

I will not be interviewed on NPR any time soon, but I will be hugged by an 8-year-old who believes he’s the next Victor Cruz. I won’t tell him any different, but I hope he’s as happy as me even if his childhood dreams come true.

Another generation trying out dreams.

Good news would come with a crescendo and we’d be riding high and then bad news would come and we would be eating sand and picking ourselves up with shells stuck to our faces.

We sold our house and rented a new one. Not only did we sell our house but also we sold many of our over-sized belongings. Over-sized is, of course, a relative term because in our 1700 square foot house the belongings fit; in our 778 square foot house not so much.

There was a gap during the sell and the move in. In the gap I stayed over night at my sister in law’s in Northern Virginia, at my boss’s house, at one of my best friend’s empty digs, at another oldie but bestie’s place, at the Schooner Inn in Virginia Beach with my husband for three nights, in a Sandbridge condo with twenty of my family members for seven days, and at my brother’s house-mate’s home while he was in rehabilitation center but we had to leave because he died and then we had a funeral to go to as well.

I don’t mean to be glib about his death but I was beginning to feel like I was in either a “Twin Peaks” episode or in “Three’s Company” running circles around a couch with Jack Tripper and Mr. Roper. At the very least, the death made me stop whining about not having a permanent place to put my shoes and think about someone else for a while.

During this time of wandering and couch crashing my husband continued to work several jobs from our rotating home bases and I once cried in a parking lot because I had nowhere to go.

I got dressed for the funeral in my boss’s boss’s office wearing a shirt I bought from Target because my one nice outfit was buried at the bottom of our storage space the size of a small office.

Donovan has been to Camp Hanover and Beth Page Resort; he has stayed with relatives and at his best friend’s house; and recently he went on our 20- person family beach trip.

The same day we all came back from the beach, still wiping remnants of sand from our feet, we moved into our new home.

That last day at the beach riding wave after wave and picking myself up from a face plant on the shore with a smile on my face I thought that no one hopes for calm waters all the time.

Sure, you want a break after being dashed about willy-nilly for six minutes but then when the water calms and you’re looking out at dolphins or the giant bill of a sea bird as it gulps after prancing fish, you start to feel the pull of the undercurrent; you start to look for the cresting water; you start to hope for the rising roll of water; and you start to tremble as the white-tipped wall of water begins to advance.

You are going to ride that wave and if it leaves you stranded like a fish gasping for water then so be it because you will pick yourself up and fling yourself back out there to the mercy of the elements.

Let’s face it, that wave is coming whether you like it or not.

My suggestion is that you try to like it.

The only other option is to get out of the water and what fun is that?

photo by sethdickens

I turn 37 this week.

At work, I can see the Main Street Station tower across I-95.  I remember driving to college at William & Mary 20 years ago and seeing that clock tower in the “big city” of Richmond.  I thought it represented something so urban, so foreign and grown up.  Something I couldn’t imagine ever being.

What would my 17-year-old self think of my 37-year-old self?

“Wow,” she would say.  “Look at me all grown up.  I have a husband!  And a career!  And two amazing kids!  What happened to me, the shy girl, the girl who was so nervous to talk in class that she’d feel sick?  What happened to me, the girl that boys barely glanced at?  The girl who was eager yet very scared to leave home?”

That girl got some guts and some courage, and did things people told her weren’t good ideas, like join the Peace Corps.  She realized that people weren’t so scary and judgmental after all.

That girl realized that if you want to be connected to other people, you have to make it happen.  That girl realized that boys are people too, and that others will find her worthy if she first sees her own self worth.

That girl realized that leaving home doesn’t equal independence, and that no matter how old she is, she always needs her mom and dad.

My 17-year-old self would be impressed at my marriage, amazing kids, independence and career.

My 37-year-old me feels I am a work in progress, as a wife, daughter, mother, friend and co-worker.

I am learning how to have more humor in my marriage, be more patient, to communicate better, to forgive our faults and appreciate our many strengths.  I am learning that the Universe knew who my partner should be and, through good times and bad, my husband can make me laugh like nobody else and is my best friend.

I am learning that my kids are not my possession to hold onto and I cannot protect them from everything.  I am learning to not feel guilty when I need to rely on members of my ‘village’ to help support me and my family.  I am trying not to mourn the fact that my kids are getting older.  While I miss them being so little, I love watching them become themselves.

I am learning to see my parents as real people.  It makes me love them even more.  I am learning to appreciate all that they gave my brother and I, all the gifts of time and energy they devoted to raising us.  While my 17-year-old self would be jealous for not living at home any more, my 37-year-old self wishes I could spend more time with my parents.  It is a tough pill to swallow every time I remind myself they won’t be here forever.

I am learning that friendship is a fluid concept.  I’m learning to tell my friends I love them, that not all friendships need to be deep, and that not all friendships can and do last forever.  Some people opt out of being in my life and that is OK.

I have almost learned to not care about what people think of me.

I have almost learned to say what I feel most of the time.

I have almost learned to embrace all these sprouting “sparkly” gray hairs.

I am trying to embrace growing up and growing older as a gift.

I am trying.

My 17-year-old self would say, “Wow.  This is some heavy stuff.”

I know, girl.  And it’s going to get heavier.

I think about the future and then stop myself because growing up and growing older… well, it has consequences.  Consequences I’m not prepared for and never will be.

But Thursday I’ll be 37.

I will eat out with my family and open presents.  I will appreciate this moment and all the other moments where I am blessed to have my parents, my husband, my children and my village, whether in person or long-distance, past or present, to celebrate being alive with me.

I think my 17-year-old self would approve.

Making the decision to separate may be difficult for most people. When the decision is made, the parties involved may agree that this decision is best for the entire family.  It is often not an easy decision to make.

During a separation or divorce the entire family is experiencing loss and may have difficulty adjusting to the new normal. Although many things may be different, two things remain the same: Mom is still Mom and Dad is still Dad. Even though the relationship or marriage is dissolved, parents must continue to be parents. Here are a few suggestions to help your family through this difficult time:

1. Allow yourself and your children time to grieve. You may feel waves of emotions ranging from sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion. Grief is a fluid process. Your child may also experience similar emotions. Encourage your child to talk about his or her feelings. Some children may harbor self-blame or think that it is something that he or she has done to cause the separation. Reassure your child that he or she had nothing to do with the decision to separate. When children are working though this difficult time they may become easily frustrated, regress to earlier forms of behavior such a thumb sucking or bed wetting, or may refuse to follow directives.

2. Make the decision co-parent versus parallel parent. Co-parenting is a joint effort it means working together to provide, protect, and prepare your child for their future as an adult. In co-parenting, each parent has a voice in the decisions that are made in the best interest of the child. Parallel parenting is parenting separate but not together. In parallel parenting, each parent has a separate set of rules on how the child should be cared for.

3. Put your child first. Make sure that the decisions you and your ex make are in the best interest of the child rather than a personal vendetta against the other.

4. Model the behavior you want to see in your child. Do not bash your ex in front of your child. If you yell at your ex in front of your child this may underscore the idea that it is not only acceptable to communicate in this way, but also that your ex is undeserving of respect as a parent.

5. Do not put your child in the middle. Do not explain to your child all of the details of your divorce or separation as this make your child feel like they have to choose a parent. Your child needs to know that both parents love them and not the details of the divorce.

6. You can co-parent separately but together. Develop rules around how you will communicate together regarding your. Take the time to plan the details around visitation, day care, education, and extracurricular activities. The best person to make decisions are the parents.

Priscilla Wright is a licensed professional counselor practicing at Commonwealth Behavioral Health Inc. located in Midlothian, Virginia. Ms. Wright holds a master’s degree in Counselor Education and is currently completing a doctorate in Counseling Psychology. Ms. Wright is also a National Certified Counselor. At Commonwealth Behavioral Health Inc., Ms. Wright works with children, adolescents, and adults on issues to include stress management, co-parenting, as well as anxiety and mood disorders. Ms. Wright believes in a holistic (looking at the person as a whole) approach to practice. Ms. Wright’s research interest includes topics on intellectual disabilities, stress management, and topics regarding family systems.

If you are interested in taking co-parenting classes, please contact Commonwealth Behavioral Health.

The Brown Chair, Circa 2009

This past two weeks, we went through a really unfortunate series of events that involved us putting an offer on a house, putting our own house up for sale, and then going in reverse.  The house deal fell through, and we are deciding to be happy where we are.  Whew.  Now I can breathe again.

In all of the hubbub of getting our house ready for showing, we had the opportunity to take stock of all our stuff.

All.  Of.  The.  Stuff.

It was great, actually.  All of the clutter got sorted, organized, and cleared out of sight.  We took several car loads of stuff to the Goodwill.  We sold several things on Craigslist.  We can’t quite say we came out ahead, but it was therapeutic and we did a good job at getting rid of stuff!

But then we had to decide about some baby things.  We’ve pretty much decided there will be no more babies.  Yet, when I asked my husband – “What do you think about getting rid of the baby swing?” he just looked at me, shook his head ‘no’ and didn’t say a word.

He didn’t have to.  I don’t want to get rid of it either.

The Baby Swing, Circa 2011

We have gotten rid of many baby things, and it was pretty easy.  Cribs.  Play yard.  Bassinet.  Big, noisy, musical toys.  Talking, annoying toys.  Clothes and shoes that we didn’t treasure and deserved a second life.  Gone, baby, baby gone.  Easy peasy.

And we have kept  the normal, clearly special things that parents keep.  The quilts that grandma made.  A few boxes of baby clothes, that I envision making into a quilt some day for a keep sake (which I also imagine will mean more to me than the kids, but I’m OK with that!).  Their newborn shoes, receiving blankets, hospital caps and special silver rattles from their great uncle.

But then there are the big things and little things that we feel uncertain about keeping forever, but feel like we can’t let go.  Clothes, furniture, toys, trinkets infused with memories and meaning that I don’t want to forget or lose.

The brown chair my daughter got for her first birthday from her grandparents, that rocks and is just her size.  Now my son barely fits in it.  I love that little chair.

The little wooden desk and chairs Santa brought my daughter for her second Christmas where where both kids have colored.  It has the the green wheely thing they use to play pirates and puppy dogs, but soon they’ll be too big to use it.

The UNC Tarheel mobile we got for my son’s crib.

The cheerio-encrusted stroller that only a mother could still love.

The little antique writing desk we bought my daughter on a whim, and she was so proud to sit there and do her “work”, even though she had not started kindergarten yet.

How long do we keep these things?  How do we know when to let go?

Maybe I’ll just keep asking my husband:  “What about this thing?”  A nod “yes” or a shake “no” may be our strategy.  But if he keeps shaking his head “no”, we may be in the market for a new house again soon!

Antonyms for normal:

abnormal, exceptional, extraordinary, odd, out-of-the-way, strange, unusual, weird

When I was in high school all I wanted was to be normal.  When my mom asked me if I would jump off a cliff if someone else did I would have said and meant,

“Sure, if they were wearing the right shoes and were popular enough.”

I tried to grow my hair out, wear the right clothes, say the right things and generally fit in as well as I could; but I never quite got it right because “right” for me was something else.  Once I accepted that fact, everything fell sort of awkwardly and awesomely into place.

Webster’s defines normal as conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern and according to that definition, normal is this:

Normal is eight year olds shaving their legs and wearing padded bras.

Normal is ten year olds playing rated teen games in which killing is sport.

Normal is challenging your child’s teacher at every turn but accepting every word your kid’s coach says because you respect one more than the other.

Normal is kids with credit cards, regularly getting pedicures and highlights and being on a first name basis with the barista at Starbucks.

Normal is talking on your phone instead of to the person right in front of you.

Normal is people carrying guns and feeling like they need to when they shop at Target.

Normal is suing for the lightest infraction just for a paycheck you don’t have to work for.

Normal is bullying children, women, and people of another ethnicity or sexual orientation.

Normal is school shootings.

School shootings.

F**K normal.

Normal is highly overrated.

Let’s not do normal for another day, another hour, another minute.

Start today in your life, in your hour, with your kids and your husband and your neighbors.

Be different.

If you don’t think it starts at home or in your place of employment or the community you move around in, you are wrong.

It starts with the things you value in your life and where you put your money, time, and energy.

Be different, get weird.

My family and I would love the company.