Source: ToobyDoo via Flickr
I never envisioned myself as the mother to a boy. Until three years ago when the doctor told me that little growing human inside me was indeed a boy. Whenever I thought about my future kids my mind just filled in the vision with a baby girl.
I can’t explain that. I’m still amazed that I have a son.
Boys have always mystified me, probably because I didn’t have many boy friends. They seemed to be raised and exist under a different sky. They liked monster trucks and video games, were much dirtier, didn’t know how to cook or clean, were made of snails and puppy tails, and got to be the hero when they saved pretty girls. When they liked a girl, they teased her or called her names. They were kind of frightening, kind of pitiful, and a whole lot of confusing.
But then I grew up and came to understand that they’re just people too and many of my notions about boys were mostly based on what I’d been fed from the media.
I was tricked! Bummer.
I vowed to raise my kids to appreciate and respect all people, to not judge or stereotype them, and to befriend members of the opposite sex. We never pushed our kids towards ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ toys and activities. Our daughter loves throwing a baseball. Our son knows all of the Disney princesses.
But my son is starting to mystify me. He’s always loved stereotypical boy things (his first clear word was “tractor”) but he never seemed to connect it with being a “boy” thing. It was just something he liked. However, lately he has developed fairly distinct ideas about what girls should do and what boys should do. For example, in his new truck book, there are girls driving tankers and ambulances.
“Why this a girl?” he asks. “Girls no drive trucks!”
Huh? These words were uttered by my 2-year-old son? Where is this coming from?
Maybe it’s because he and my husband do “guy stuff” together. They go to the home improvement store and look at tools and lawnmowers, or they’ll rake leaves or wash the car. It seems harmless. After all, my husband’s not telling him girls aren’t allowed. It’s just stuff the two guys are doing together. Guy stuff.
But now I’m not so sure. Are we getting this whole gender thing right? I’m scared we may be unintentionally somehow setting up an “us and them” mentality. Am I over-thinking it?
Last night, there was an episode that I didn’t now how to handle. We went to our favorite pizza joint. My son started asking if the servers were boys or girls. While we tried to quietly answer his questions, he got louder. Thankfully, our server didn’t hear him. We really like her and we’re her regulars. She has masculine features and I didn’t want her to be offended. Then I took him to pay with me. The cashier was, I believe, transgender. Thankfully when my son posed his rude question, she was on the phone and didn’t hear him. I spirited him quickly away before any harm was done.
I know he’s just trying to figure out the world (and we’re trying to figure out parenting), but the world is much more complex than simple distinctions like “boy and girl,” in a beautiful, wonderful, mystifying way. How do I address these issues with a 2-year-old?
My plan is to keep emphasizing that there are not really ‘girl things’ and ‘boy things,’ just lots of things that different people enjoy, and give him examples.
“See, mommy can use a screwdriver!”
“Daddy likes to cook breakfast!”
As for the public questions about who’s a boy or girl, I think I’ll try to ask him to save his questions for when we’re at home. Wish me luck with that one. After all, he’s still just two.
About Mary Beth Cox
