All I Want For Father’s Day


You ask an eleven year old what the best part of his day was and inevitably it will involve candy that has the consistency of a jellyfish and the nutritional value of shoe leather or less, the disassembling of a clock, a giant bug in the backyard or dad’s tool chest or something electronic, mildly violent and overly stimulating.

You ask a teenager the best part of his day and he either won’t have one or if he does it will have nothing remotely to do with any member of his family.

You ask a mom what the best part of her day was and she will say something mealy-mouthed and pleasing like,

“Oh this lovely dinner, or spending time with my sweetie or helping Donovan build a potato clock for his science fair project.”

I know because I have said that when what I really wanted to say was, “My day sucked. I didn’t do a thing for myself and I feel like I’ve got a choke chain around my neck and all three of you boys have a tether and you pull it way too much. I’m chafing, now leave me alone.”

Wait wait did I say that out loud?  My bad, what I meant was I love science fair projects.

You ask a man what the best part of his day was and if he starts grinning from ear to ear, smiles a big cheesy grin and starts talking like the dad in “Father Knows Best” then you can be certain he’s had sex and he’s just dying to name it as the best part of his day but he’s uncertain how the eleven year old will take it and he knows it may ruin dinner for the teenager and so he says something utterly ridiculous like,

“I loved cutting up that fallen branch in the back yard.”

Right Pops, now everyone knows we had sex including the eleven year old.

And that’s okay

Men like sex.

A lot.

Wondering what to give him for his birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day? I’ll tell you what he doesn’t want: a shirt, cologne, travel coffee mug, or a box of golf balls with his initials on them.

He wants sex plain and simple, that or a mammoth new flat screen television.

And since I don’t have two thousand dollars floating around in my pockets, sex it is.

It will be the best gift he gets and it doesn’t cost a thing, and maybe one day, moms, it will be the best part of your day, but I doubt it when you’ve got potato clocks and cooking dinner to contend with.


Some days I write, some days I wait tables and some days I work with preschoolers; all of which I love; but ALL days I am the wife of a Richmond City Firefighter and the mother of two great boys named Beau and Donovan who couldn't be any more different if they tried. In my five seconds of free time I run, ride bikes and try not to watch trashy t.v. I can be reached at