Ours is a complicated time. Raising children in an echo chamber of opinions, social media hype, sound bites and hysteria for its own sake has the potential to make us want to go off grid. I consider this option at least once a week. So often, the lesson our children learn is that society rewards the person with the loudest and most outrageous point of view which can make it even more challenging to raise thoughtful, engaged, respectful humans.

I was once a loud, opinionated young person filled with passionate ideas. I regularly judged others who I deemed “stupid” because they didn’t share my point of view.   I remain opinionated, passionate and idealistic. However, time and experience have taught me the value of being gentler in the expression of my thoughts and in the practice of my principles. While self-righteousness can feel good in the moment it is generally unsuccessful when attempting to get people to think of things in a different way. Ultimately, that’s the charge – not being the loudest voice but being the most effective in opening minds.  This work is more nuanced, often less exciting in the moment, and a lot harder to learn.

It’s interesting how these lessons present themselves – often very uncomfortably – and we can look back at those moments as being formative. I remember the day I learned that talking to people was more effective than yelling, being accusatory, or vilifying what I perceived as willful ignorance. That was a powerful day.

In the summer of 2008 the film Tropic Thunder was released. You may, or may not, remember that this film was controversial in its use of the “R-word”.  I was working for the Department of Mental Health Support Services and we got a call from a local advocacy organization that the film’s language flew in the face of the work we did every day.  We were asked to come out for a “protest rally” and to recruit others who might be interested. Advocates across the state had been working for several years to change the official diagnosis for those we served from mental retardation to intellectual disability. The consensus was that “retardation” had become derogatory and was no longer an innocuous medical diagnosis. The use of this word in the film was upsetting and it also felt like an opportunity to educate the public on these changes.

In our roles as Service Coordinators we worked to support those with intellectual disabilities to be as independent as possible and to put appropriate supports in place where needed. We helped in obtaining and maintaining social services, Medicaid, education, jobs, transportation, medical and dental care, clothing, camps, holiday meals, social opportunities, advocacy, counseling, and more. My colleagues and I were deeply committed to building a world in which the needs of these individuals were met and they were treated with dignity and respect within our community. So when I was asked to take part in this protest, I said of course – but I had no idea what to expect or how to approach this endeavor.

In the few years leading up to that day I had become a wife and mother, worked in the House of Delegates, gone back to school, canvassed for political campaigns and worked the polls for causes which were important to me, and engaged in passionate discourses on local politics, social issues with vitriol and judgement. Yet, there weren’t a lot of opportunities for protest rallies in Chesterfield County.  

With all that experience standing up for what I believe in – I didn’t feel comfortable representing myself, my profession, the people I served and my agency as part of an angry mob yelling about a movie. The cause was so important to me that I felt the weight of getting people to hear what I had to say. Somehow I knew that publicly shaming folks on their way to the movies, in the middle of the day on a Tuesday, would not be the right approach. This was about more than being right it was about people’s lives.

When I arrived there weren’t many protesters and we were spread throughout a very large parking lot leading to the biggest movie theater in the County at the time. I was immediately relieved not to see the angry mob I had feared. Each participant was handed a stack of flyers with information about the lack of services and resources for people with intellectual disabilities and sent on our way. I didn’t know exactly the best way to approach this task so I just started walking up to people.

“Are you on your way to see Tropic Thunder by chance?”

If they said yes I would ask for a moment of their time and continue.

“Hi my name is Erin and I work with intellectually disabled citizens living in Chesterfield County. We work every day to support the needs of an incredibly diverse group of people and their families.  In the film Tropic Thunder, the “R Word” is used to derogatorily refer to a person with disabilities.”

The first responses I got were fairly innocuous. Some people told me they had heard about it and they didn’t use the word, told me to have a nice day and politely brushed me off. I wasn’t deterred. I just thanked them, handed the flyer and went about my business. Then there was the man.  He got out of a pick-up and was smoking a cigarette. He wore an old flannel shirt over a dirty t-shirt and jeans with work boots, medium length hair covered in an old baseball cap. I debated whether or not to approach him because he didn’t look very friendly but I had come to do a job so I steeled myself and made my way over. My initial assessment was pretty spot on. He was not particularly friendly nor did he want to talk to me about my hippie agenda.

“Oh good lord!” he replied after I gave him my initial spiel. “The word police are here. I’m not interested.”

I was shaking at this moment and I quickly considered my options.

1. I can let this man go about his day and leave well enough alone. He’s not going to listen to me.
2. I can let him get the better of me and engage in a yelling match in the parking lot.
3. I can carefully share with him my perspective however shaky or sappy it may feel. I can walk the walk.

I decided on the third option. It’s pretty terrifying to stand in front of someone who didn’t expect to be talking to you about something they think is a giant waste of time, when all they want is popcorn and a cherry coke. Growth is hard and usually uncomfortable.  I took a deep breath.

“Sir, I’m not asking you to not go see the movie.  I’m not even asking you not to laugh. All I’m asking you to do is think about the impact of that word.  I work with folks with intellectual disabilities every day and they are people just like you and me working hard and doing their best to have the best life possible. That word was established to describe a diagnosis and it has become something that is used to tell them that they are worth less and it’s hurtful.”

“Uh-huh” he said still appearing disinterested, but not walking away and not yelling at me so I decided to finish saying my piece.

“All I’m asking is for you to think about it while you’re watching the movie and maybe also in your life. I just want you to know that that word has the power to hurt people and you have the power to not. Thank you so much for your time and I hope you enjoy the movie.”

He continued not making eye contact but mumbled “Yeah, I’ll think about it” as he walked away.  Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t in that moment it didn’t really matter.

I spent my entire young life being terrified of confrontation. I was one of those people who was so afraid of facing off with someone that I would immediately begin yelling and crying. Maybe you can relate? Maybe I’m a super weirdo – don’t worry I’m very used to that. Either way this was one of the most successful confrontations of my life to that point. I didn’t yell or insult him. I wasn’t self-righteous or condescending. Something came over me and I became calm and reasonable.  I actually said those words in that moment. I’ll never forget it as long as I live because I totally couldn’t believe my brain was so cooperative. I think I may have done the touchdown dance.

I talked to a lot of people that day and received many varied responses. Some people thanked me, others completely ignored me but what I learned in front of that movie theater in the middle of the suburbs is that confrontation is more about how I choose to react than it is about what I am met with.

That day felt like a huge success to me because I was able to have some real conversations with people. Did anyone have a magnificent epiphany in that parking lot? If they did I was not aware of it but no one yelled or insulted anyone. It’s really difficult to scream at someone who is humble and sincere. It can be terrifying to make yourself vulnerable like that which is why, I imagine, many people approach conflict with aggression.  Because they’re afraid too and they figure if they yell really loud no one will be willing to push back and then it will be over (cut to hands over ears, rocking in the fetal position).  

This is what I try to impart to my children when preparing them for the world. Fighting indifference with anger, or anger with judgement will not produce the outcomes we desire. Asking a person to consider your perspective and also being open to understanding theirs is the only way to find common ground. It’s got to be about personal accountability. We cannot wait for people to be ready to hear what we have to say instead we have to say it in a way in which they feel compelled to listen.  Our words have enormous power – the power to hurt, the power to heal, the power to develop understanding, and the power to break it down entirely.  There’s no guarantee you will change anybody’s mind but you might just change how you see yourself and your ability to stand up for the things you value.

The post Lessons Learned in the Movie Theater Parking Lot appeared first on Richmond Mom.

Here are just a few:

Baby #1: Download all the apps so you can see what size your baby is when compared to a fruit.
Baby#4: You download an app so you can actually answer correctly when people ask you how far along you are.

Baby #1: You announce your baby in a really cute way you found on Pinterest for the whole family and then in yet another cute way for everyone on social media.
Baby #4: You toss out your announcement so casually and quietly at dinner with friends half the table didn’t hear you.

Baby #1: When someone asks you when you’re due you can tell them exactly how many weeks (and days) you have to go.
Baby #4: When someone asks you when you’re due, you mistake them for saying “What do you do?”

Baby#1: at 34 weeks your nursery is ready (with a theme!) and all their new baby clothes are washed and ready to go. Now it’s just time for baby to come!
Baby#4: at 38 weeks you realized you need to get a crib and the clothes are still in the attic.

Baby #1: When you’re a mom you’ll never  __________.
Baby #4:  You’ve totally _____________. More than once. You don’t even feel bad about it.

Baby #1: You can’t wait for the first foods milestone so you stock up on organic cereals and pouches (or maybe you make it yourself) and start on the first day they are 4 months old. Then you take (and share) 100 photos of their sweet messy faces.
Baby #4: At 6 months you start some avocado but figure that your baby has probably been exposed to plenty of foods from their siblings sticky hands.

Baby #1: You get a grocery cart seat cover and take your baby on trips out to the store with you and talk to them along the way.
Baby #4: You seriously consider just ordering toilet paper via Amazon Prime, everyone will just have to restrict TP square usage for the next two days.

Baby #1: You take 1,000 photos and you post them ALL on Facebook (how could pick just one?!) There are so many photos of your kid doing the same thing on Facebook you could actually make a flip book out of them.
Baby #4:  You take 1,000 photos and you pick on or two that are, more or less objectively, the best and post them on Facebook.

Baby #1:  When your toddler first takes a tumble and hits his head it’s basically traumatic. It takes several minutes to stop the crying (long after the baby is over it) you consider a trip to the doctor in case of concussion.
Baby #4: Has wrestled his siblings (and won) by 6 months old.

Baby #1: You follow your child at the playground help them on the swing, help them on the slide,  and play ball with them…
Baby #4: You get to the park, sit down and say “go play with your brother”

Baby#1: you buy them a cute little potty seat when it’s time to potty train and you start right when they turn 2 because they are “totally ready”
Baby #4: You wait to potty train until the absolutely very last moment because it’s a heck of a lot easier to change a diaper than rush to the potty ever 10 minutes when you’re out and about. Then you seriously consider turning one of your bathrooms into a giant urinal because, well, let’s be honest, that’s the way it’s being treated.  (Okay, this one might be boy mom specific)

What have you done differently with baby #1 than baby #2 (3, 4 or more)? Share them in the comments below.

The post The (De)Evolution of a Seasoned Parent appeared first on Richmond Mom.

Dear Daughter,

Please stop cheating on me with other mothers. It’s exhausting.

While I admit I haven’t always put a ton of time and energy into preparing healthy family meals, we both know that I’ve recently changed my ways. You’d have to be blind not to notice all the plotting, planning, shopping and cooking I’ve been doing lately in order to rehab our dining habits.

But, then again, maybe you’ve been too busy admiring the broccoli, Brussels sprouts, tomatoes and pork chops at other people’s houses to notice that you’re being served that very same food at home—where you hate it. 

Despite my best efforts to woo you with my dazzling new dinners, you continue to cheat on me and savor healthy food in the home of another mother. And not just any mother; you’ve chosen Ms. Polly, the mother who lives right next door.

Nice one.

If you’re going to cheat on me, you could at least have the class to do it with a stranger. Haven’t I taught you anything?    

Getting you, my dear 8-year-old girl, to eat healthy food is ridiculously hard. And your tendency to cheat with other moms is making it even more challenging.

When I make pork chops, you say pork chops are disgusting. When Ms. Polly makes pork chops, you say pork chops are delicious. At home, the idea of sauce on your spaghetti is revolting, but after an evening next door, you proudly announce that you had both marinara and meatballs on your penne.

I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I was so jealous of your love for Ms. Polly’s pork chops that I asked her for the recipe. Do you hear what I’m saying? I am making the exact same pork chops. And yet, you prefer hers.

And you don’t even try to hide it. 

In the middle of dinner, you’ll let it slip that Ms. Polly’s spices are better than mine and that you’ve tried new tricks with her, such as dipping your tomatoes in balsamic vinegar.

Really?

We’re in a committed relationship. I made you for God’s sake. I shouldn’t have to work this hard for your food affection. I shop at three or four different grocery stores. I leave work early every day to make dinner. Hell, I even bought a bike to ride to the farmer’s market on the weekends. Just wait until you’re a grown-ass woman riding a bike with a basket—a basket filled with food you lovingly prepare for your family!—only to have your daughter tell you she only likes that dish when it’s served up by the mother next door. 

Your cheating ways might make sense if Ms. Polly was serving chocolate éclairs with a side of Nutella for dinner, but she’s not. She’s serving the same kind of healthy meals I am, and you still like what she’s serving better. 

Well Missy, here’s a thought to keep you awake at night: Ms. Polly’s pork chops won’t always be there for you. They seem so great and so spicy right now—even though you won’t even try black pepper at our house—but there’s nothing stopping Ms. Polly and her pork chops from picking up and moving to the suburbs tomorrow. 

And then who will you be left with?

Me. That’s who.

One day you’ll understand how impossibly hard it is to get your children to eat broccoli and Brussels sprouts without them spewing venom in your face—but until that day comes, please keep your love for other people’s meat and vegetables to yourself.

Your color commentary on the culinary expertise next door is wearing this old lady out.

Truth be told, I don’t care if you eat Ms. Polly’s pork chops. I just want you to eat mine, too.

So, dear daughter of mine, feel free to keep up your cheating ways. But when it comes to healthy food we’re both trying to impress you with…please, for the love of God, stop bragging about hers and complaining about mine.

It’s tacky.

Yours truly,

Mom

This article was originally featured on The Huffington Post: Parents.

Katherine Wintsch is a working mother of two and intimately familiar with the highs and lows of trying to keep it all together. As the CEO of The Mom Complex, she studies mothers around the world and helps businesses develop better products and services to meet their needs. For more information follow @kwintsch or visit The Mom Complex. And see her TEDx talk on motherhood here.

The post Dear Daughter: Please Stop Cheating On Me appeared first on Richmond Mom.

Houser featured buzz-worthy places like Sub Rosa, Gwar Bar, Proper Pie Co., Lamplighter, Need Supply Co., the Jefferson and the VMFA.  All the places are fabulous and the pictures make you fall in love with Richmond even more.

You can check out the full post from Design Sponge here.

OBVI, I love all things Richmond, but whenever I read these amazing articles about all the cool things that are happening here, I can’t help feel like the all come from a very different perspective than mine as a parent.  For better or for worse, with kids, my 24 hour visit to Richmond might look a little different.

So, I’d love your thoughts:

If you had to create your own list of what you’d recommend to a family spending 24 hours in Richmond, what would would be your top things to do? In addition to all the great things that others have noticed about our little city, what makes Richmond a great place to visit with kids?

 

The post 24 Hours in Richmond Featured on Design Sponge appeared first on Richmond Mom.

When I think of things that make my skin crawl I think of bugs, snakes and other creepy stuff.

What makes my son’s skin crawl? A stray tag, a bulky costume, wearing something on his head, paint on his face and these days pretty much anything that isn’t his blue t-shirt from Target (we have three).

He loves everything about Halloween. Trick-or-treating, pumpkin picking, carving and decorating, and candy (although he’ll only eat the m&ms) but just the thought of putting on a costume upsets him. In fact, the last time I was able to get him to wear a full costume he was about 8 months old.

Over the years we’ve had to get pretty creative with costumes to make Halloween fun for all of us. Here are a couple of tips and tricks I’ve learned along the way that can help make Halloween fun for kids with autism and sensory processing issues.

Find a “t-shirt and jeans” costume.  Okay, not literal jeans as many kids with sensory processing issues don’t like the feel of denim. What I mean is, find a costume that can basically be pants and a t-shirt. A few ideas to get you started:

• A mime – black sweat pants, striped shirt, white gloves
•  UPS delivery person- brown sweat pants, brown shirt (draw buttons on with permanent marker and use a little paint for the ups patch)
• A crayon- matching sweats from head to toe in their favorite color and paint CRAYOLA on their shirt
• Pajamas- superhero pajamas are a life saver -soft, comfortable, easy and practical.
• Skeleton- paint bones onto black sweats
• Waldo – glasses and hat optional
• Aerobics instructor, dancer, gymnast – as long as the leotard isn’t an issue, these costumes are soft and movable
• A child character like Charlie Brown

Partner costumes. Load up the costume on a person who likes to wear them.  Although my son hates buttons, I was able to convince him last year that a shirt was a jacket and my kids went as a werewolf both”before” and “after” midnight. A few more ideas:

• An animal trainer and have a friend or sibling be a lion or even dress up the dog
• Boo from Monster’s Inc. and you can be Sully
• Shaggy and you can be Scooby
• Calvin and you can be Hobbes
• Christopher Robin and you can be Pooh

Let the props tell the story. My son won’t wear a hat, but he’ll carry one. He’ll also use photo prop glasses (the kind on a stick), or carry an umbrella. With a little creativity you can use props to help tell your story.

• Cover an umbrella with cotton and the child can wear all blue to be a rain drop
• Wear dirty sweats and carry a chimney sweep style broom
• Tape streamers to an umbrella and be a jelly fish
• Carry a bag of money and be a burglar

It’s okay NOT to dress up.  Passing out candy and seeing a parade of costumes can be fun too.  Sit outside on the front steps and watch the parade of costumes pass by. Maybe have a costume on hand in case they’re inspired to try it, but don’t worry if they don’t.

A few additional tips.

Be aware of how your child might react to scary costumes. Look at pictures of costumes together. If you’re afraid of how your child might react to something scary, trick-or-treat early.

Visit just a few, friendly houses and stay close to home. Set it up so that if you sense a meltdown is coming you can call it a night quickly.

Buy it early, try it out. Give them time to get used to the costume, props and the whole trick or treating thing before you’re out and about.

Let your child be your guide. We’ve learned to never underestimate my son. Just when we think he can’t handle something he does brilliantly and when we’re sure he’ll love something we couldn’t be more wrong.  Take the cue from them to get as “into” Halloween as they want. After all, Halloween can be celebrated anyway that works best for your family even if it doesn’t look the way you imagined it.

Is your child on a special diet? Don’t let that get in the way of trick or treating. Find out more about the Teal Pumpkin Project.

Note: Every child is different, this includes children with autism and other sensory processing issues. While I’ll never in my life be able to get my son to wear overalls for example, it might not be an issue for another child.  Like wise, what does work for our family might not work for others. Has something worked for you? PLEASE share it in the comments below so other parents (and kids) can benefit.

The post Halloween Costumes for Kids with Autism & Sensory Processing Disorders appeared first on Richmond Mom.

Women guilt.

It’s a thing, it’s a phenomenon, it self handedly fuels the sale of thousands of bottles of wine, beer and self-help books.  Entire blogs are dedicated to making us feel guilty; mine included mine sometimes, which of course makes me feel….guilty.

And we are so hard on ourselves.

The other day in the bathroom of Gold’s Gym I sighed as I stepped off the scale because I hadn’t gained three pounds, seconds later another women sighed the same sigh because she hadn’t lost three pounds; meanwhile legions of men were at the front desk eating donuts and sighing with delight.

More women lie about the amount of time their kids spend on electronics then lie about their dress size.

Why?  Because they feel guilty.

Ask a man how much television his kid watched and he will have no idea because guilt doesn’t even enter his mind; he’s just glad they’re being quiet so he can watch golf.

When’s the last time Daddy thought to read a book midday just to expand their vocabulary, because he wasn’t doing “enough”?

I can tell you.

Never.

I’m not mad at the men for not feeling guilty.

I’m jealous.

All summer long we women waded through guilt puddles and washed our sorrows away with Bravo TV, chocolate sea salt bars or alcohol because let’s face it, we suck.

We beat ourselves up because we think we didn’t amuse, exercise, entertain or educate our kids enough through the long summer days.

The men, hell they don’t even know it’s summer until they’re shoving crap in the car for the yearly trip to the beach.

If we stay at home, we feel guilty for not working.  When we work, we feel guilty for not being at home.  We feel guilt when we go to the gym and when we don’t.  We feel guilt when we spend money and if we don’t earn money.  We feel guilt for using our college degree and for not using our college degree.

I took a CPR class today where the teacher told me more women die of heart attacks than men because woman attribute the elephant on their chest to indigestion.  Men scream for help while women go quietly to their bedrooms so as not to bother anyone and die as they wait to feel better before they make dinner.

Women liberation means nothing if we won’t liberate ourselves; and it’s a real problem when the biggest bully we encounter every day is staring back at us in the mirror.

So, stop, breathe, pop a chocolate in your mouth if you must, but relax and accept you for where you’re at right now, this day.

Your husband accepts you, your friends accept you, your kids accept you; you just need to accept yourself and for goodness sake if you feel an elephant on your chest, scream like hell; or like a man, either which way.

The post Guilty As Charged, Lady appeared first on Richmond Mom.

When I went back to work after the birth of my oldest son, I made my husband drop my bouncing baby boy off at daycare. Even though we were fortunate enough to find a nurturing in-home day care provider, I couldn’t bring myself to hand my little guy over and then drive away. It became a tradition that my husband would call me afterwards, beginning the conversation with “Successful Launch!” as we would exchange cute stories about our bundle of joy, last minute reminders, or minor logistical operations.

Even though my boys are now in upper elementary school, the tradition continues. Most days, my husband still handles drop off/morning routine, while I usually have afternoon pick-up. These days, we exchange information about mundane permission slips, or the status of lunch money accounts. Yet, there is something comforting about knowing your offspring are safely where they are supposed to be. And although I used to just groan aloud if I missed a drop off report from my husband about my 3-month old’s first time rolling over, now, usually a voicemail or a text is more common than a conversation.

Depending on where you are in the timeline of child rearing, in addition to celebrating “firsts”, you begin to commemorate the “lasts”. Last nap (actually, I think the word here is commiserate, rather than commemorate), last day of Kindergarten, last day of elementary school, last day of middle school, and so on…

And whether you are dropping your babies off at daycare, school, or college, our goal is the same. To know that our children are safe and that we have prepared them. And then let them go…

I wonder if celebrating those firsts and commemorating the lasts is one way we make it easier on ourselves to let go? I guess I will find out. I am not there yet. Are you?

The post “Successful Launch!” – Letting Go appeared first on Richmond Mom.

But did you know there are professional doulas trained to help families after the baby arrives? They are called postpartum doulas and they are a fantastic resource to be aware of as you begin to think about and coordinate Your Postpartum Plan.

I sat down with McRae Brittingham, CPD (toLabor, CAPPA) and Erica Angert, PCD (DONA)—two certified postpartum doulas serving Richmond families—to better understand the role of the postpartum doula and why you may want to consider hiring one to fill in the gaps for your family’s needs as you transition into life with your new baby.

What is a postpartum doula and in what ways can postpartum doula services benefit a new family? How do you see the postpartum doula as integral to a healthy postpartum transition?

A postpartum doula is an expert trained to provide emotional, physical, and evidence-based informational support to new families as they transition into life with their new baby. We are trained in topics of postpartum mood disorders, bonding and attachment, breastfeeding, mothering, and newborn care. We empower parents to trust their instincts and to make their own decisions and we gradually step back as mom recovers from birth and as everyone in the family adjusts. Studies have shown that when new parents have support, they have fewer instances of postpartum depression, they bond better with their babies, and they feel more empowered through the transition. Many people rely on family and friends for help, which can be really wonderful, but one benefit of hiring a postpartum doula is that you’re getting a professional who won’t take your parenting decisions personally and who really is solely there to support you in your role.

What does a typical shift look like for you?

We are hired to help meet the immediate needs of our parents and to help them accomplish whatever is important to them during the time we are there, things that can be difficult to get done while also caring for a newborn, like meals and light housework or taking a shower. Along with the hands-on help that’s so needed in those early weeks we also have an eye on the longterm, and we try to bring everyone into their new roles by making space for them to process.

Our shifts vary greatly by family. We may spend time just talking about how things are going and discussing questions a client has, or information they have heard from others, to help them to navigate all the various options. Mom or Partner may take a nap or a shower while we work on dishes, laundry, or organizing baby items. If there are older children in the home, we’ll spend some time with them as well, talking with them—at an age appropriate level—about how things are going with their new baby around. 

For an overnight shift we might arrive between 10pm and 12pm to establish a plan with the family for the evening—if mom would like the baby brought to her to nurse, or if she’ll be pumping or bottle-feeding at a certain interval. We’ll discuss any chores the parents would like us to do while baby is sleeping or if they prefer that we sleep while baby sleeps or some combination of the two. If mom is up nursing or pumping we may chat about how things are going, or we’ll take that time to get a few chores done if mom is nursing in bed next to a sleeping partner. While nightshifts can be less interactive by their very nature we are also available to our clients outside of the time we are in-home. Nighttime parenting has so little support in our society, having someone right there with you while the rest of the world sleeps can be really reassuring.

What is the average hourly investment for a postpartum doula here in Richmond and how do families typically contract postpartum doula services?

The average hourly rate is $20-35/hour depending on training and experience, and most postpartum doulas are open to as few as 2 hours per shift up to 8-hour overnights. Some clients want to start with as much as 4-5 hours a day every weekday, while others may only need one or two days a week. Some families will contract more hours up front and taper off care as time goes by. We’re really open to a lot of different schedules and budgets.

What are some of the reasons a family might be unsure about hiring a postpartum doula? Or maybe they could use some talking points to communicate the benefits with their partner, or other family members, who don’t yet see value in the investment—what would you say to them? 

A lot of new parents just don’t realize how little they’ll be able to get done, how much of their mental and physical energy is going to go toward their baby, and how crucial it really will be to have help. Many new families don’t live near to their parents or extended family members who would traditionally help out in those early months. Grandparents and In-laws who live far away—and want to provide new parents with the support they need but aren’t able to be there in person—often pay for our services. Asking for postpartum doula hours as a shower gift or as part of a registry, and having a conversation with parents or in-laws about anticipated needs and the different ways those needs can be met once the baby is born is a good place to start. Friends and family can be helpful at bringing food and offering to hold the baby, but they have lives too, so having someone in your home who’s there just for you when you really need them, is pretty fantastic.

Share your top three misconceptions about postpartum doula work and what are the facts?

Sometimes people think postpartum doulas are just for women in crisis, like those who have postpartum depression—we can help anyone through the postpartum transition, and our clients don’t need to have postpartum mood disorders or extenuating circumstances to hire us. It also really makes sense to hire a postpartum doula before baby arrives so that we can be there from day one or day two, rather than waiting a few weeks, which is a breaking point for a lot of new parents. Moms experience a hormone crash around 3 weeks postpartum, and that’s also when a lot of help is typically drying up and the lack of sleep is catching up with the parents. We get a lot of calls around 2-3 weeks from desperate parents, and we’re happy to take those clients as our schedules allow, but it’s great when people hire us prenatally and don’t have to get to that point of complete crisis.

Another common misconception is that postpartum doulas are hired to take over baby care like a nanny or a baby nurse. A postpartum doula’s job is really to help empower the family as a whole. We may take the baby for an hour or two at a time while the parents get a much-needed break, but we’re always trying to work ourselves out of a job, making sure the parents are feeling supported and are gaining their own confidence in caring for their baby (or babies) on their own.

The word “doula” often gets associated with a certain kind of birth and parenting, one that tends to be more “crunchy” for lack of a better word, so people may think that we only support women who are passionate about breastfeeding or planning to parent in one specific way. Just like birth doulas support families through births of all kinds—unmedicated to planned cesarean—postpartum doulas make space without judgment to support all parents as they find their own paths.

When a new baby is born, parents and extended family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.) are also learning to navigate their new roles and a new family dynamic. How do you view your role within this delicate context and what are your goals for your client families?

One thing that can be challenging for older generations to understand is how much medical advice has changed since they raised their children, and if a client makes a different decision than their parents did, for example, it can start to feel personal—like a judgment on them—even if it’s not at all. Bringing grandparents into their roles is important to us as well, just like bringing in parents and older siblings, so we also try to make connections with them to discuss how things are going. We can marvel at how much things have changed in 30 years without making better/worse statements. Everyone needs to feel heard and appreciated, especially during such a dynamic transition like having a new baby around. Long after we leave a particular family, they will remain intimately connected, so nurturing these important relationships at their start is a priority for us.

I often hear the catchphrase “Every Mother Deserves a Doula” and these days it usually describes the essential nature of hiring a birth doula. Does every mother deserve a postpartum doula?

Yes, everyone deserves to have the support they need during such a transformative time in their lives. Friends and family are busy, or may live far away, and as much as they would like to help it can be hard to rely on others. Postpartum doulas are hired to serve their clients, so there is an arrangement that can be found for every family and it doesn’t have to be a huge investment if that’s really not in the budget. We also stay available and in-touch with our clients outside the hours we are in their home—checking in by phone/email/text, answering questions, sending links to local resources, celebrating successes, and helping to troubleshoot.

What is one of your biggest challenges in your work? How about your greatest achievement?

It can be challenging when our clients are reluctant to seek out help or to make that first phone call to reach out to other resources that we know could benefit them. If we see breastfeeding issues, for example, we can offer our own wisdom and tips, but if the client needs the help of a board-certified lactation consultant (IBCLC), we provide names and numbers and have to hope that she’s going to reach out and make an appointment. The same goes for mental health professionals, physical therapists, physicians, support groups, and all sorts of other community resources. Finding time to make phone calls can feel completely overwhelming to someone stuck in the beautiful storm that those early weeks can bring, so we just keep encouraging our clients to reach out, and help them to find the time and energy to get the help they need. We’re even happy to go along on an appointment to help with the baby or older kids, if leaving the house feels like too much for a mom to handle on her own.

For both of us, I think the major payoff for this job comes when working with a family from the first week or two—when parents are stressed and sleep-deprived and have hundreds of questions they may be afraid to ask—through a few weeks or months later when they’ve grown more confident, they’re rested, and happy with how everything is going. They’re really ready to parent confidently at that point, which is bittersweet for us because we know our time with them has come to an end, but at the same time we know we’ve done good work.

What is the most rewarding aspect of your work?

Making a deep one-on-one connection with every client is pretty amazing. There are so few jobs that offer this level of intimacy and personal connection every day that we go to work, and that is really rewarding. Developing these meaningful relationships with our clients allows us to better serve them, to help them to listen to their instincts, and to find their own voice.

What are your best tips for families as they transition with their new baby in the postpartum period?

Trust your instincts. Take what you want from all the advice you’re getting, and leave the rest. If you can figure out a diplomatic way to respond when people give you advice that sounds insane to you, it can make it easier to let it just roll off your back and stay focused on the relationships in front of you. You know what’s best for you, your baby, and your family.

What would you like to see for Richmond moms, and Richmond’s birth scene, where postpartum doulas are concerned?

We would like families to know they don’t have to struggle through the postpartum time alone, and that they can hire a postpartum doula to support them in their experience.

In the coming years, we hope to see more care providers recognize the value of postpartum support and postpartum doulas, and encourage their patients—before their babies are born—to consider their plans for help and resources in the postpartum period. Birth doulas and lactation support professionals are in a great position to understand the unique role of the postpartum doula and to recommend our care services to their clients.

Awareness for postpartum doulas has improved greatly in the last couple years, but we still spend a lot of time explaining to people what we do, and the overwhelming response is always, “Wow, where were you when I had my babies?”  We would love to see Postpartum Doula become a household word.

Learn more about postpartum doulas 

CAPPA
DONA 

Find a postpartum doula  

Doula Match
CAPPA
DONA International
Richmond Doulas, Postpartum doulas

Like the Richmond Doulas Facebook page to stay up to date on local Meet the Doulas events.   

To learn more about McRae Brittingham’s services
please visit her Website, DoulaMatch profile, and Facebook page.

 To learn more about Erica Angert’s, services please visit her DoulaMatch profile and Facebook page.

The post Every New Mama Deserves a Postpartum Doula. Who Are They? What Do They Do? appeared first on Richmond Mom.

Some people don’t fight to be at the front of the line.

I’m not some people.

I was born selfish and angry and while I fine-tuned the traits growing up with three older brothers fighting for the last pork chop and the use of the bathroom, those traits, I believe, were with me from the start.

I spent most of my grubby youth wondering, “What about me?”

Would I ever get the tennis shoes I coveted or would it always be hand-me-downs back of the line and leftovers?

Would I ever get a dog of my own or my Dad’s attention?

Would I ever get that pink Benetton sweater or that seventy- dollar Swatch?

You would imagine that as a teenager, I didn’t suddenly sprout wings and start quoting Mother Theresa and you would be right.

I spent hours looking in mirrors debating hairstyles and lip-gloss colors. I stole, so that I could have what I wanted when I wanted it, despite cost or lack of cash. I spent months hating my parents for not giving me more and muttering, “Unfair,” beneath my breath.

I was nice to the people who had something to offer like cooler friends, cash, unrestricted curfews, cars, or better clothes.

I turned twenty, a difficult and surly almost- adult, and the most glorious wonderful amazing horrific sickening thing happened to me; it would ruin my life momentarily and change it forever; it involved cancer and a kid and I was the one with the kid and my dad with the cancer.

It was a long year; it was the longest year of my life.

Thank God, because it would be the last year I ever had with my Dad.

It was a year of sleepless nights, endless baby bottles, recurring radiation treatments, endless piles of laundry and last words. It was a lonely, lumps in the throat, heart-breaking, horrible, scars on the heart, sort of year.

But it was a year that without even knowing it, I stepped aside and got behind a 7-pound baby boy named Beau and my fifty-year-old dying Dad.

I can think of no time in my life I cherish more or felt fully myself.

Twenty- two years later, I’m still not always gentle and kind, but I am happier when I am and when I resort to easy old angry ways I recognize them for what they are and I don’t defend them, I despise them.

Thanks be for the year I learned that finishing first is sometimes rather like finishing last and though I wish my Dad was with me to see 2015, sometimes to learn you have to lose and if you don’t learn, well then you just lose.

And I hate losing.

The post Losing You and Learning Me appeared first on Richmond Mom.

It is hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. Around here, it seems like summer has flown by. Fortunately for us in RVA, warm temperatures, though inconsistent, dot our fall days pretty regularly. A few years ago, my boys even wore shorts on Halloween. I decided we needed to grasp the opportunities we still have to extend summer in our mild climate. Of course, some of these activities are appropriate year-round, but these pastimes are what our family brainstormed as quintessential summer activities.  We are hoping to get a few more of these in soon:

1. Nurture your garden.

2. Go for a bike ride.

3. Keep your summer highlights.

4. Have a squirt gun fight.

5. Play miniature golf.

6. Sip a cool, tall drink.

7. Read a summer romance novel or a summer-themed book.

8. Watch a movie at the drive-in theater.

9. Go camping.

10. Hit the beach – rates will be much lower off season!

11. Go for a paddle on the Rivah.

12. Host a Barbeque.

13. Buy ice cream from the ice cream truck (if you can’t find one in your neighborhood, visit us – the ice cream truck visits our neighborhood 9 months of the year).

14. Take a dip in an indoor pool.

15. Go to the Farmer’s market year round.

16. Continue to wear shorts and other summer apparel.

17. Go fishing.

18. Chase lightning bugs.

19. Make s’mores.

20. Dance in the rain.

21. Go away for the weekend.

22. Have a picnic.

23. Read a beach-themed novel or a summer romance.

24. Reminisce by reviewing photos or videos from summers past.

25. Bake a pie.

What activities will you and your family do to extend your summer?

The post 25 Ways to Extend Summer appeared first on Richmond Mom.