Good to Great Mothering

From Good to Great: 5 Surprising Questions about Great Mothering, by Nicole Unice, Author, Blogger at The Stubborn Servant and Richmond Mom-of-Three

Between web searches and e-books, texts and tweets, blogging and blabbing, everyone’s got the platform to be an expert. The information that assaults us as mothers is astounding! In seconds, you can access experts on green mothering, Zen mothering, or attachment mothering. You can read about the joys and challenges of working moms, stay-at-home moms, single moms, work-from-home moms, fit moms or business moms. But the information web can become a tangled mess that leaves us hog-tied, wondering how to be a great mom apart from all the ‘expert’ voices. So here’s five simple questions to ask yourself today. You may be surprised—and relieved!—to find what it takes to elevate your good mothering to great.

Question #1: Do you know who you are apart from your role as “mom”?
A great mom knows who she is as a woman. I’ve known many women who cannot answer the question “what would you do if you weren’t a mom?” Usually they stare off at a blank spot on the wall and reply, “I think I’ve lost myself in parenting.” The honest truth is that every mom loses site of who she is at some point. But we don’t have to be satisfied with that. Ask yourself today: “what is one aspect of my life where I am just me, not mom, not wife, not great worker?” Is it reading? Belly-dancing? Art? If you don’t have an answer, vow to find one this year. It’s never too late to try new things.

Question #2: Do you maintain adult relationships?
A great mom maintains adult relationships as an adult. Try this: the next date night or girls’ night out, vow to not talk about your children at all. One of the things my husband and I like to talk about is our “life to-do list:” a running list of all the things we’d like to accomplish or try in our lifetimes. We separate our list into categories: travel, family, work, experiences. You may find out some surprising things about your spouse or friends. And you might find out some surprising things about yourself as well. Try it.

Question #3: Are you a mommy-comparer?
I was with a woman this week who said, “some women are just made to stay at home.” I told her, “I think every woman hates the way she’s doing work/life at some point.” My friend then dropped a name on me, “so-and-so loves staying at home.” And then I said “so-and-so told me last year that she was ready to give her baby to the wolves.” This mom was shocked. Truth is, we don’t live with anyone but ourselves. Moms make choices because they know who they are when no one is looking. So no one understands more about your work/life/childcare/school/activities choices than you. Which leads us to question 4:

Question #4: Do you know your strengths and weaknesses as a mom?
I wish every mom in Richmond would be able to say at least three aspects of mothering that she’s great at, and three that could use some help. Let’s all stop pretending we can be amazing mothers all the time. We can’t. But we can be great at what we are good at, and ask for help where we aren’t. After almost thirteen years of marriage, my husband is realizing that I’m just an average housekeeper. And apparently, years of experience aren’t helping. So we can choose to think about how to solve that problem creatively, (he’s mighty good with the Swiffer, I do bathrooms), and I’m free to keep being good at other things, like keeping the TV off and making healthy dinners.

Question #5: Do you have a long-haul perspective on mothering?

Accept this gift: being a “great” mom just means being a faithful mom. A faithful mom realizes that one drive-thru dinner does not need spark a guilt-induced breakdown. A faithful mom realizes that keeping things in perspective (like the hug-to-yelling ratio at least 4 to 1) is a necessary component of surviving the early childhood years. A wise woman once said to me, “mothering feels like a million years from birth to third grade, and ten seconds from third grade to adulthood.” That kind of perspective sustains me when the million-year-long afternoons threaten to give me permanent brain damage. And the choice to be a faithful mom gives me the grace to forgive myself for the bad days, and the courage to renew my desire to love my children well, one day at a time.

Now you tell us, Richmond Moms: What questions would you add to this list?
What do you do that makes you feel most like yourself?
What’s on your “life to-do” list?
Do you have a problem with comparisons?
What do you consider your strengths as a mother?