The Late Enough Sleep Method: Forcing Your Child To Sleep One Duct Tape At A Time*

By Alex Iwashyna, blogger at Late Enough

*guaranteed to work for at least one out of seven nights per week

1. When your child awakens in the middle of the night, pat at your child on the back and make SHHHH noises without taking her out of the crib.

2. Clothesline her when she continues to stand up and push away your patting hand while yelling: UP! UP!

3. Pick up child and settle into your comfortable rocker to lull her to sleep with your soothing heartbeat, safe within your arms

4. Move to recon death grip as child squirms out of your arms every thirty seconds and says: WHEEEEEEE! when the glider moves

5. Set up blanket and pillow on floor of the nursery and pretend to sleep, which encourages your child to snuggle up next to you because she is calmed by your peaceful presence.

6. Shoot straight up and jump to the right as the recommended white noisemaker comes crashing down where you once lay.

7. Put child back in crib with blanket and paci and fifteen lovies and firmly state before leaving the room: It’s midnight. You need to go to sleep. I’ll see you from the door in five minutes.

8. Attempt to tear your heart out as your child’s crying fills the upstairs

9. Open the door to the nursery and be sucked into the room by her hypnotic eyes.

10. Decide to meet your child where she’s at and climb into the crib.

11. Ignore your child’s delightful giggles as you remove a plastic baby and three eaten books from underneath you.

12. Beg child: It’s 1 am. I have not factored this into your scheduled wake up time of 7 a.m.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE lay down or I won’t know when to put you down for nap next week.

13. Climb out of crib with your child and put both of you in your bed knowing that the family that sleep together sleeps.

14. Try to envision the jumping up and down as the tranquil ocean lulling you to sleep.

15. Admonish child with: It’s 2 a.m.. Go to sleep immediately or I’m getting the duct tape.

16. Fall asleep yourself from unremitting exhaustion.

17. Awaken to pokes in the eye.

18. Consider poking back.

19. Pick up child with all the annoyance you can muster and think: Having children was the worst idea I ever had. Pat yourself on the back for not saying it aloud. Feel bad that you dropped your child while patting yourself on the back, but secretly hope the head injury leads to sleep.

20. Place child back in crib and refuse to smile when she smiles at you before closing her eyes at 3 a.m..

21. Okay, smile a little bit but mostly because you’re delirious.

22. Get in your own bed.

23. Get out of your own bed to the cries of MAMA! MAMA!

24. Shuffle into your older child’s room and between sobs eek out: It’s 4 a.m., sweetie. Please go back to sleep.

25. Repeat steps 1-24 and use money saved by not purchasing another sleep method book on duct tape and coffee.

You’re welcome.

Alex Iwashyna blogs at Late Enough mostly about life, parenting, marriage, politics, zombies, culture, religion, and her inability to wake up in the morning and not hate everyone. She also facilitates a local parenting class called Nobody Told Me! (because OBVIOUSLY) and runs the web content for the Blogger Body Calendar project. Feel free to find her on Facebook or the Twitter @L8enough. But don’t call. She’s NOT a phone person.