I have a dear friend with a son on the autism spectrum.
Sometimes, I don’t know what to do or say for her. This breaks my heart.
We’ve known each other for years–since before we were ever married or had given birth to our children, so for nearly fourteen years we’ve shared in each other’s weddings, showers, job changes, successes.
Then one day, she told me that her sweet son received the diagnosis. He had shown no signs until he received a series of vaccinations. Soon after, his speech began to decline and the symptoms crept out. Chill bumps traveled up my arms. Speechless (a rarity for those who know me) I clamoured for something to say other than, “I’m sorry.”
When her family came to visit a few months ago, her little son mixed right up into my crazy brood, along with his little brother. I made no special arrangements, but I did ask her if there was anything special that I could do to make him feel comfortable, to which she appreciatively said, “no thanks.”
The kids played, I made dinner, all teh parents chatted and caught up and before long we heard the sliding doors of the basement open with the security beep and there he was, out on the swing set–in the dark–alone.
He was fine, safe–just swinging out there by himself with no shoes on–but I could tell my friend was worried and anxious and couldn’t relax. Before long, he was down the stairs and straight out the door again into the dark, chilly night, back on the swings. Safe, but alone. His parents’ brows furrowed. I worried for them, but said nothing.
We brought him back inside and I showed him our pet bunny, to which he squealed with delight as a child much younger than his age would, jumping up and down with incredible dexterity on our super-tall bar stools for what seemed like ten minutes.
I was not bothered, but I’m pretty sure his parents were.
We ate dinner, the kids laughed and played, and for most of the night things went on as perfectly normal. But I could tell my friends could not completely relax. This pained me–I wanted them to feel comfortable. Their little guy reacted to the world around him through a lens very different from that of a child who is not on the spectrum. This is his–and their– ”normal.”
You see, for those of us who have little experience with children on the autism spectrum, not knowing what to say or do is painful. We want to be inclusive and build a soft place for all kids to land in our homes–or surely most of us do–and what is best when a child may react differently to sounds, experiences, new places?
If parents of children on the autism/asperger spectrum could use this forum to share advice and information we’d love to share it with our readers. Not just for the children, but for the parents who need our support, now more than ever. What would you recommend to other parents?
About Kate Hall
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