Gene Cox on Being an Effective Grandparent

This is our first post from our friend, Gene Cox who you’ll likely recognize from his days on the news at NBC 12. We love Gene’s blog, Hogwash at GeneCox.net.

I was determined to be a good parent. Now, I’m trying to be a good grandparent. Neither is easy. Almost every mom and dad I know is sure they are doing it right. And many of them, at least to some extent, are critical of how their friends are rearing their children. They are too strict, or too permissive, too this or too that. Who’s to say. There are plenty of professionals to provide guidance, some of whom have never been parents themselves. There is no shortage of experts.

An argument can be made that if the kids turn out all right, their parents probably did a good job. That is not always true; some of the best people survived bad childhoods. But odds of success are improved if mom and dad do their job well.

I received a lot of advice from my own parents. I did not always take it. But one of the things I remember (and have practiced) is…don’t see everything.  While my dad probed every corner of my life, mom would occasionally advise him to turn his head….to just let it go. Makes sense. If you see everything your children do, you will feel compelled to say or do something. Soon, they will see you as an adversary. Sometimes saying nothing is a good thing.  A closed mouth rarely causes trouble.  This doesn’t apply to everything of course, but it does apply to childish behavior that should be accepted as just that.

Many years ago I saw one of my boys behind the house smoking a cigarette. My first impulse was to confront him and prescribe punishment.  But I remembered enough from my own childhood to know that if I did that, he might respond by sneaking more cigarettes. So, I let it go. He never knew I saw him. Later, I talked with my son about smoking. Without confronting him, I urged him not to do it.

Grandparents have a similar situation. But parenting is one generation removed. Grandparents have two sets of kids; their own and their own’s own. Interference can irritate their children and confuse their grandchildren. My advice (since you didn’t ask for it) is to accept that your kids have been raised already, you had your chance and that chance has expired. If you try to tell your kids what do with their own kids, you may create a mess.  Provide guidance, otherwise be supportive and let them be.

If you are too critical of your own kids, they won’t come visit as often…and you will have less access to those precious grandchildren.