photo by Hayes and Fisk, the Art of Photography
While attempting to do my last-minute Christmas shopping last night, a strange thing happened. No, silly I didn’t actually stick to my budget–let’s not get crazy—but a thought occurred to me: Christmas shopping is a lot like having kids. Here’s why:
1) It’s crowded. Oh, Lordie all you have to do is ask an eight-and-a-half-month preggers mama how it felt to have an 8.5 pounder in her belly while trying to tie her shoelaces, buckle her seatbelt, or do, well, just about anything. Talk about cramped spaces.
2) It’s expensive. No matter how much you THINK it’s going to cost, you can just forget it. There’s always one more shiny bauble that will cause your credit card company to send you nasty-grams and cause husbands all over the world to bark, bark, bark about how much you spent. Stockings, swaddled babies or seniors in high school–they share the same evil problem: too damn much $$$.
3) Anybody can do it. That’s right, I said it. You and I both know it: not everyone should reproduce. No matter how far-regressed freaky great-Uncle Frank’s genes are removed, they will resurface in generations-later offspring and can cause dangerous, albeit, astounding results. The same goes for shopping. The diversity of crowds thrown together under the bright flourescent lights of Walmart, men who NEVER venture out until this time of year yearning to find the perfect gift and getting stuck in the tool aisle–these mixed together with screaming babies are sure to cause some sort of explosion.
4) It’s stressful. Oh yeah, I said it. While everyone is decking the halls I’m out here sweating, piling deals into our arms, trying to find the perfect je-ne-sais-quoi when I’d really rather be home in my jammies watching the Office. Sound familiar? Try rounding up a couple of toddlers to go, well, anywhere and you’ll get the same results. The two activities must send stock-prices surging for high-blood pressure prescription pharmas everywhere.
5) It WILL cause strife between the sexes. You know it’s true. Having kids is a magical experience for many women, while most men just sweat it out and pray that they still get to golf and play poker with the boys on a regular basis. The expectation levels are just so different typically. Kind of like on Christmas morning, when the wife awakes to a tiny, sweetly-wrapped box only to find drill bits inside. Yeah, it’s kinda like that.
6) Finally, both produce great results. I mean, after nine months, you have this amazing person, with (hopefully) ten fingers and toes, who is cuddly and warm, sweet to look at, and that you have forever. Be forewarned gentle reader: the same can happen with Christmas gifts. So just say no to anything cuddly and warm that you may not want forever. It may not be so sweet to look at a few years from now.
Merry Christmas. Seriously.
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