by Richmond Mom (and Richmondmom.com 2009 SuperMom) Megan Blake
“Oh my gosh, that sounds so RETARDED!”
My heart leaps into my throat. Did she really just say that? My dear friend? The one who came to my baby shower after my daughter Katie was born in 2006 (and diagnosed with Down syndrome) and held her tenderly and hugged me tight as I reeled from the news of my baby’s extra chromosome?
“I felt like such a RETARD!’”
This time it’s a family member telling a story at a holiday party. Everyone laughs except me, and I can feel my heart pounding and my stomach clenching. It’s not appropriate for me to spoil the mood by crying foul, and I feel sick to my stomach.
“You’re so RETARDED!”
The teenage clerk at the store teases her co-worker playfully as I stand there with Katie in my arms. Katie’s smiling and waving at the other customers, giggling when they wave back, snuggling sweetly into my neck. Can my daughter sense my distress?
The “R Word” is everywhere. I hear it all the time, and I’m sure you do, too. It’s become the catch-all put-down, the ultimate insult. It’s said in movies, on the radio, on the playground, on Facebook, and even in the White House. The problem is, it’s so ingrained in our culture, people use it without thinking about the real hurt it inflicts.
I struggle with how to respond when somebody uses the word around me. Typically, I find myself saying something along the lines of, “Hmmm, maybe you could use another word, like “ridiculous”?” Sometimes that’s not enough…I get blank stares, so I’m forced to continue. “When you use the word “retard,” it hurts me and it hurts Katie.” And then people get flustered and say, “But I wasn’t talking about KATIE!” Well, no, not directly. But when you say the word, when you throw it out there in the universe, you ultimately hurt Katie and all people with cognitive disabilities. Use of the word, in its own small way, breeds intolerance and forms a toxic atmosphere around us. Katie may not understand the implications of the word now, but when she goes to school in a few years, she will. The R word separates her from her peers. It tells everyone that she and people like her are inferior, unworthy, easily dismissed.
Now if you knew my daughter, you’d understand that she is not in any way inferior, unworthy, or easily dismissed. Katie is a bright shining ray of light. Her eyes sparkle with happiness, her frequent laughter is infectious, and she has the ability to wrap an entire room of people around her little finger in one minute flat. She attends a regular preschool where she sings and dances and paints and plays, and has lots of friends. She plays and wrestles and snuggles with her big brother, Will, like any other little sister would. Katie is a blessing to our family and has brought intense joy to our lives in a way we could never have imagined in the beginning of this journey with her. We have many, many friends in the Down syndrome community who feel just as passionately about their own children. We consider our “chromosomally enhanced” children to be amazing gifts.
So my request is simple. If the R word is in your vocabulary, please remove it. If you hear your kids use the word, explain to them how hurtful it is. If you’d like to go a step further, go to the Special Olympics campaign “Spread the Word to End the Word” website, www.r-word.org, and sign the pledge to show your support.
I thank you, and so does Katie!
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