A Peacock And A Spider Walk Into A Garden: Late Enough Does The Lewis Ginter Gardenfest of Lights

By Alex Iwashyna, blogger at Late Enough

When Richmondmom (who has a real name I’d bet) asked me to attend the preview of the Lewis Ginter Gardenfest of Lights, I said: Um, okay. Can I tweet and write about socially awkward weird stuff?

She mistakenly said: Yes. (I’m pretty sure one of her eighteen kids was asking if they could take my place when I get fired, but I ignored all subsequent tweets from her.)

The day of the event, I finally looked at the invitation because Lewis Ginter is Northside which means there are exactly three hundred and fifteen ways to get there all of which are really one road that change names eight times.

I also noticed it said no children and business attire. So I went to look for matching pajamas and told my four year old to enjoy his first babysitting experience. But be in bed by eight, yo.

I arrived and was immediately harassed by gardeners who examined my fingernails for signs of correct soil pH and sniffed me for mulch. I had remembered to wear patchouli so I passed for the organic hippie gardener that Lewis Ginter loves. To hate.

We were directed to the conservatory. With a rope. Of lights. And frozen bodies. (I’m always Miss. Scarlet. Obviously.)

Bodies. Lots of them

My husband and I attempted to sit alone to spare others our socially awkward nose-picking and attempted to play pick-up-sticks.

Pick-up sticks. Or possible art.

I now owe Lewis Ginter $500. Probably. However, three unsuspecting workers of the sponsor M&T Bank sat with us. And then made the fatal mistake of opening their mouths.

Banker bees: Hi.
Me: Hi. You work for M&T Bank?
Banker bee: Yes.
Me: I’ve never heard of it. {I meant this in sincere honesty. Like I’ve never heard of most things in Richmond. I had to google Northside for goodness sakes.}
Banker bee: We’ve been around since the 1860s and are headquartered Buffalo, New York.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
BB: What do you do?
Me: I write.
BB: Exactly.

So we got up to leave but then they sounded the gong. Seriously. And the leader of the M&T Bank said they don’t like to talk about Buffalo in Richmond, VA. I responded: EXACTLY.

After eating from both buffet tables so no one would realize how much food we had consumed, we ventured into the actual GardenFest of Lights with the three other idiots willing to leave free food and drink for a bunch of Christmas lights in various animal shapes.

I found the crocodile and another dead-ish body.

Crocodile with frozen body

A crazed wolf who just kept running in ominous circles.

Crazed wolf

At that moment I realized how HORRIBLE it must be to know that you are only here for a few months. That soon you will be disassembled and replaced by a BUNCH OF PLANTS. THAT’S NOT A WAY TO LIVE!

I spoke to the peacock at length about why he needed to lead the rebellion. The lights could be YEAR ROUND if they just destroyed all the plants when no one was looking! And everyone was STUFFING THEIR FACES! It was a one in a million chance.

A lazy peacock

I spent the rest of my time trying to rile up the spiders to attack the peacock for his unwillingness to lead the light animal uprising.

Conspiring with spiders

Until I realized one of them was a terrorist spider. Because that’s just not cool.

Terrorist Spider

And then I just took pictures of myself. Because I’m like that.

I'm a Star

And coming home, I turned to my husband and said: Our kids would really like this. Mostly to see the plants die. Just ask our begonias.

Alex Iwashyna blogs at Late Enough mostly about life, parenting, marriage, zombies, culture, religion and her inability to wake up in the morning and not hate everyone. She also facilitates a local moms group called Nobody Told Me! (because OBVIOUSLY) and runs the web content for the Blogger Body Calendar project. Feel free to find her on Facebook or the Twitter @L8enough. But don’t call. She’s NOT a phone person.

Alex Iwashyna

Alex Iwashyna went from a B.A. in Philosophy to an M.D. to a SAHM, poet and writer by 30. She spends most of her writing time on LateEnough.com, a humor blog (except when it’s serious) about life, parenting, marriage, zombies, culture and religion with special appearances by aliens, alienation and rude Southern people who offend her Yankee sensibilities. She has a muse of a husband and two young kids who are Southern but not rude. Yet.

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