Richmond speaks out on Gay Marriage

with contributor Rhonda Day

The recent legislation, that announced New York’s senate had approved gay marriage, ignited a firestorm of public opinion related to its relevance in our traditionally-conservative state, and created questions about whether or not such a drastic change would ever cross into the Commonwealth of Virginia. With more than 60% of Virginia’s voters under 35 years of age supporting same-sex couples, it is possible in the future.

But don’t count on it anytime soon.

Virginia’s Constitution, under Section 15-A, states “Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this Commonwealth and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance, or effects of marriage. Nor shall this Commonwealth or its political subdivisions create or recognize another union, partnership, or other legal status to which is assigned the rights, benefits, obligations, qualities, or effects of marriage.”

Virginia actually toughened the marriage laws against same-sex marriage in 2004 and little progress has been made since then. A run-down of the gay marriage laws by state can be found on the Stateline website.

It’s one thing to recognize what the laws and legal system say about same-sex marriage, but it’s a totally different thing when you talk to “real Richmond women” who are so intimately involved with the issue. So Richmondmom.com did what we do best – we asked Richmond moms what they thought!

What Our Readers Say

We decided to ask our readers for their opinions, and in doing so, a mini-volcano erupted on the Richmondmom.com Facebook page. Several readers also sent us their personal opinions via email, and explained how their lives have been personally touched by this issue.

One of these examples is Cristin, who asked that her last name not be shared, and whose sister has recently become engaged to another woman. “I know she called certain people to tell them the news first.  She wanted to talk first to the people that would be genuinely happy for her. I am saddened that her news of joy was not met with the heartfelt enthusiasm that I felt when I shared the news of my engagement.”

Cristin went on to add that this new union brings a “whole host of issues” including: which state do they choose to get married in—one in which gay marriage is legal, or one in which they live with family and friends? Do they get married in the non-gay-marriage state then go to a state like New York to make it legal?  Then the ceremony: who walks down the aisle? Who pays for the wedding?

She “wishes gay marriage was legal in Virginia, but we will probably be the last state to approve it, and it will probably be over 100 years from now.” Cristin is also hoping that her sister can focus on being in a happy, committed relationship and not be bogged down in the turmoil and uncertainty of her lifestyle choice.

Gay couples aren’t the only ones caught up in the turmoil: clergy are feeling it, too. According to reader Grace Morse Brumagin: “for the same reasons tha tpeople are exempted from many many things for “religious reasons” (U.S. Supreme Court cases abound on this topic) people (namely clergy) should not be required to perform ceremonies if the organization/religion views homosexuality as fundamentally wrong.

Another readerand Richmond mom, Debbie, is a gay woman in a committed relationship. Debbie and her partner, Laura have two children together, but one is not legally recognized as Debbie’s because each carried one of their two children.

“We were camping with friends when I heard the news…New York had approved the marriage between two same sex individuals through bipartisan compromise.  My first reaction was one of hope – that one day I too can have my marriage recognized by Virginia.  I think the best part of the NY decision is that the legislators did what they thought was right, not what they thought would get them reelected or what the majority believed was right.  It took courage for each of those individuals to stand up and say that the current law was wrong.”

Debbie is very open about her relationship in her work environment. Having worked with her myself and really getting to know her situation, it was refreshing to find someone so open about her lifestyle in a society where different decisions aren’t always met with optimism.

Says Debbie, “In all honesty, I don’t understand why so many people are so vehemently against gay marriage and why they even care what others do.  We have always lived in a society that clings to the right to be an individual and fights any hint of intrusion into those rights.  Shouldn’t who you marry follow the same logic?  What is a more personal choice than the partner you choose and the family you raise?  Marriage won’t change my relationship with Laura or my two amazing kids but it will allow me to cover my whole family on my health insurance, file taxes jointly instead of jumping through the hoops we do today to unmingle our finances, and most importantly, adopt my daughter who I have raised every day of her life yet who is not legally considered my child.”

It might be Rachel who put it most bluntly, “I am married in the eyes of God and that’s all that matters to me. No one can take that away from me. They can deny me benefits and services that are available to heterosexual couples, but they cannot deny me the freedom to love my partner and be united in our eyes and the eyes of God. How many heterosexual couples never marry but have life-long lasting relationships together? And how many of them marry, only to end in divorce? Even Hollywood’s “golden heterosexual couple”, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell aren’t married but have enjoyed more than 25 years in a committed relationship. Standing in front of a legal officiant doesn’t make a marriage – two people who love each other make a marriage. I say let the government say what they want to say. I am “married” to my soul mate in my heart and she and I have committed to be together for the rest of our lives.”

Rachel’s committed partner points out, “When I told my parents I had a same-sex partner, they were horrified to the point they actually ‘disowned’ me. We haven’t spoken in over 20 years. While I knew I was doing the right thing with my life, it was devastating to lose the love and support of my parents. The pain goes deep because I always thought they would love me for who I am, not who they wanted me to be. They have lost out on an opportunity to share my life, and the lives of the two beautiful, vibrant children that we have. To me, this is the worst side of the same-sex controversy and until everyone accepts the new norm for same-sex relationships in general, legislation won’t be worth the paper it’s written on.”

I Do or Not?

Our readers still had a lot to say, so we plunked the remaining responses into two buckets, the Pro’s and the Con’s. And as you probably guessed – there are two very different viewpoints from either side:

Con’s:

Eleine referenced the Bible when she said: “The bible condemns homosexuality and, even though it doesn’t explicitly say that marriage is between a man and a woman, every time the bible mentions marriage, it is between man and woman (never man and man, etc.). You have to decide: are …your beliefs rooted in Christianity or rooted in “freedom”? I believe that the freedoms of this country are founded on Christianity, not liberalism, and we should do what we need to, to maintain the basic principles that our forefathers worked so hard to instill. Sexual orientation was never a protected class (like religion, race, etc.) Unfortunately, being Christian means that we have some very hard rules to follow; being heterosexual is just one of the many. On the flip side, we Christians are very lucky because we are FORGIVEN… for ALL our sins.”

Pro’s:

Tammy Ruble, who is in complete support of gay marriage, thinks it’s “actually a little embarrassing to live in a state that’s so backwoods on this issue.”

To Eleine’s opinion that this is an issue of Christianity, Tammy responded: “Protecting people on the basis of their sexual orientation will one day be a protected class as well, I’m confident. We just need a more rational Supreme Court than the one we have right now. What the Bible says — and that’s completely open to interpretation by scholars — is completely irrelevant to the civil rights guaranteed by the Constitution.”

Rebecca Muminovic, HCA Physician and regular contributor on Richmondmom.com, feels that “the law should move on regardless of any church’s support because—like it or not—in this country there is a separation of church and state.” Rebecca went on to add, “in a world filled with war and hate, any union that celebrates love and commitment should be celebrated. There are plenty of heterosexual marriages that are soaked in deceit and why should those people’s union be embraced simply because of their choice in partner? If anyone should not be allowed to get married, it is people who have cheated and proven that they are not worthy of the privilege. Not to mention the small little fact of separation of church and state…”

One of the more humorous approaches was from single mom of two teenage boys, Susan Wallace:

“I think everyone should be allowed to be miserable if that’s his or her choice. KIDDING!

Seriously, why not? There is absolutely no logical reason as to why we should keep people from marrying who they choose. It’s the right thing to do. I’m pro-love, and marriage is supposed to be about love. If people want to spend their time opposing something, I wish they would pick a cause that eliminates hate, like working to end child abuse or to stop the trafficking of women and children.”

“GO LOVE!”

Until Then

It may be many years before Virginia’s legislators are more open and enlightened on the issue of same-sex marriage. There is also a long road to travel before the public opinion makes the transition of accepting it too. However, it is possible that the Commonwealth of Virginia will one day follow New York’s lead and legalize marriage for same-sex couples.

Richmond mom of two, Cathleen Grzesiek, put her view on the issue simply:

“Love is love. . .”

But as long as such polarizing opinions exist, love’s legal state remains in flux.