Building Trust: How to Foster a Strong Surrogate–Intended Parent Relationship
The surrogate-intended parent relationship is built on one shared goal – bringing a child into the world. That connection is deeply personal and often emotional. To keep the process smooth and meaningful, both sides need to build a strong foundation of trust; but trust doesn’t happen by accident. It comes from clear communication, respect, and mutual understanding right from the start.
In this post, you’ll learn how to create and maintain a healthy relationship that benefits both the surrogate and the intended parents throughout the journey.
Start with Clear Expectations
Open conversations early on help avoid misunderstandings. From the very first call or meeting, each person should speak honestly about what they want and need from the process. This might include communication frequency, levels of involvement, and personal boundaries.
Surrogates might want regular texts or check-ins, while some intended parents may prefer updates after medical milestones. Some hope to be present at every appointment, while others live too far away. Having these discussions upfront creates a shared agreement about what this journey will look like.
It’s also helpful to revisit expectations after key milestones. What felt right during the first trimester may need adjustments later. Staying flexible and checking in occasionally keeps the bond healthy.
Respect Boundaries
Healthy relationships need limits. Surrogates are not employees, and intended parents are not spectators. Both are humans with personal lives, emotions, and needs.
Respecting privacy, family life, and emotional space helps everyone feel safe. For instance, if a surrogate prefers not to share photos of her bump weekly, that choice should be honored. Likewise, if intended parents need more structure around updates, that’s fair too.
Setting boundaries is not a rejection, it’s an act of mutual care. When people know their space will be respected, trust grows naturally.
Make Time for Relationship Building
The surrogacy process takes time. Along the way, both sides can use that time to get to know one another outside of medical updates and contracts. A coffee chat over video or a text to say hello can go a long way.
It’s okay to keep it simple. Ask about each other’s families, hobbies, or favorite meals. Share thoughts on the baby’s nursery, names, or even hopes for the future. These little interactions build a sense of partnership.
Surrogates often appreciate feeling valued not just as a carrier, but as a person. Intended parents may feel more at ease when the relationship feels familiar. When there’s a genuine connection, the entire experience feels less like a transaction and more like a shared adventure.
Keep Communication Steady and Honest
It’s easy to make assumptions when there’s silence. That’s why steady and honest communication matters so much. No one needs to report every detail of their day, but regular check-ins help both sides stay connected.
If something feels off emotionally or physically, it’s better to share than to stay quiet. Honest conversations can feel awkward at first, but they prevent larger problems later.
When possible, use phone or video calls for important updates. Texts are convenient but may lose tone or meaning. If someone feels hurt or unsure, it’s okay to pause and regroup. A respectful tone and willingness to listen make all the difference.
Allow for Differences in Personality and Lifestyle
No two people are the same. Surrogates and intended parents may come from very different backgrounds. That’s not a bad thing. Diversity can bring new ideas and beautiful moments if everyone stays open.
Try not to compare one surrogate-intended parent journey to another. Each pairing will have its rhythm. Some will feel like instant best friends, while others remain kind and professional throughout.
The key is to accept those differences without judgment. What matters most is kindness, honesty, and shared values around the process, not identical lifestyles or views. Let the relationship be what it is, without pressure to make it something else.
Share Emotional Moments Openly
Pregnancy is emotional for everyone involved. Some days bring joy and others bring worry. Allowing space for those emotions helps deepen the bond between surrogate and intended parents. If a scan shows great news, celebrate it together. If a complication arises, approach the situation with care and calm support.
Intended parents may feel anxious or disconnected since they aren’t physically carrying the baby. A kind message from the surrogate during these times can make a huge difference. At the same time, surrogates also experience mood swings and stress. Honest check-ins can help both sides feel seen and supported.
Acknowledging the emotional side of surrogacy brings a human layer to the relationship. It keeps the connection real and reminds everyone that this journey is deeply meaningful.
Involve a Professional When Needed
Strong relationships don’t mean you have to figure everything out alone. Agencies, mental health professionals, and third-party coordinators exist to support this process. If things get tense or confusing, it’s okay to bring in outside help.
Sometimes small issues like a difference in communication style can cause frustration. A professional can help interpret those differences and find workable solutions. They also help manage expectations about timelines, medical updates, or legal steps. This keeps stress levels lower and gives each party room to focus on the big picture.
Keep the Child at the Center of the Journey
Both surrogate and intended parents share a core purpose: the well-being of the child. When decisions come up, it helps to return to that shared goal. This could mean discussing how the baby will be fed, what kind of birth experience is desired, or how to talk about the process in the future.
Staying child-focused brings clarity. It can ease disagreements and help reset the tone when emotions run high. Every choice, big or small, carries weight when a life is being brought into the world.
Even if the surrogate and intended parents part ways after the birth, the child remains the beautiful outcome of the journey. That alone makes the effort to build trust worth it.
Honor the Ending and Stay Respectful
Every journey comes to an end. Some surrogates and intended parents become lifelong friends. Others keep a warm but distant connection. Both outcomes are okay.
What matters most is parting with kindness. A thank-you letter, a photo of the baby, or even just one heartfelt message can leave a lasting impact. It honors what you shared and closes the chapter with care.
Work with experienced professionals who support both surrogates and intended parents for more guidance as you start your surrogacy journey.
