Supporting a New Parent: What They Actually Need Right Now
“What do you need?”
To a new parent, that innocent question is one of the hardest to answer. How can you respond when you’re just trying to make it through the upside-down-world-ness of being in charge of a little human with impressively strong lungs?
In other words, if you want to support a new mommy, forget about asking how to help. Just take charge by giving them what they genuinely need in the moment, like practical assistance.
1. Surprise Them with Food
It’s surprisingly hard to feed yourself when you’re a new parent. Forget about going to the grocery store. And even user-friendly apps like Uber Eats can be tough to navigate when you’re sleep-deprived.
This is where you can provide much-needed nourishment. For instance, consider dropping off some groceries the next time you swing by the store for yourself. It honestly doesn’t matter what you buy. From toilet paper to Pop-Tarts, any contribution will be gladly accepted.
You could also make extra meals every time you cook. That way, the new mom can just heat them up and have homemade deliciousness in the midst of her newfound chaotic lifestyle. Or, if your cooking isn’t the best (or you live far away), just head online and order a food-based care package from a brand that sells support and sympathy gifts featuring soups, breads, desserts, and comfy items.
Basically, you can’t possibly overdo it when it comes to giving new parents fuel to power through their days. However, be aware that some people and households have food allergies and sensitivities. (Up to six percent of people in the United States have trouble digesting gluten, according to one study.) Therefore, you may want to double-check about dietary preferences if you’re uncertain.
2. Set a Babysitting Time
Maybe you’ve had a kid and you’re totally comfortable with babies. Or you babysat a gazillion little ones and you’re chill with their fussing. That’s great, because you can be helpful as a babysitter to a newbie parent. There’s just one caveat: You can’t just ask a parent when you can come over. Instead, you need to offer several date options.
Here’s why this matters: A new mom can barely find time to go to the bathroom, let alone plan your babysitting visit. By giving her three dates to choose from, you’re making her life simpler. Plus, you’re making it clear that you’re serious about the offer.
When your babysitting adventure comes, bring along any items you need to make your experience successful. Be prepared to just take over, change diapers, rock the kiddo to sleep, whatever. Stay positive because new parents may feel anxious about handing over their babies. (Then again, you might be greeted at the door by an exhausted mom who’s ready to hit the sack and doesn’t mind turning her tot over to you.)
To memorialize the occasion, consider taking pictures during your babysitting stint. That way, you can share special or funny moments. Photos and videos are always welcome by parents.
3. Keep Unrequested Advice to Yourself
Okay. This is all about giving you some “tough love”: Please hold your tongue when it comes to making unsolicited recommendations about how a mom is parenting. Unless you observe (or hear about) an action that is unsafe for the mother or child, keep your thoughts to yourself.
Newer parents are just trying to do their best. They don’t want to hear about all the mistakes they’re making. (And they’re making mistakes, for sure.) Consequently, just be a listener. It’s a true gift that makes their lives less stressful.
What if a mom asks you for your suggestions? In that case, respond with compassion and kindness. Every child and family situation is different, so keep that in mind. Resist going into a long lecture that may feel like you’re disappointed in your friend’s parenting. Just answer her question in a friendly way. Be honest without lowering yourself to acting judgey.
4. Help out When You Visit
The first time you visit a new mom, don’t just plunk yourself down on the couch. You’re not at a spa or restaurant. You’ve basically dropped down in the middle of a household hurricane.
Rather than expecting to be waited on, offer to help out immediately. See how you can be an assistant, even if it’s just by folding blankets, taking out the trash, or sorting a mountain of bibs. Make it clear that you’re there to jump into the fray and not observe from the sidelines.
You may get some resistance at first (it will be light). Be firm and explain that you honestly want to just dive into the craziness. If you have kids of your own, you can play the “Been there, done that” card. Bonus points if you clean up some stray spit without blinking an eye.
Oh, and make sure to rave about how amazing and gorgeous she is when you’re there. Pushing a baby out of your body makes a woman feel powerful but strange. Compliments are always on point.
TL;DR: While it’s fine to show up with presents and diapers, showing up emotionally is just as important. That’s truly the support a new parent (who may not have had a shower in days) needs.
