90 Funny New Year Quotes to Start 2026 with Laughs

Let’s be real: New Year’s celebrations are hilarious when you think about it.

We stay up past our bedtime, make promises we’ll break by February, and convince ourselves that changing the calendar will somehow change our lives.

The truth is, most of us will hit snooze on our gym alarm and forget our resolutions before January ends. But that’s okay!

The New Year doesn’t have to be about pressure and perfection. It can be about laughter, joy, and not taking ourselves too seriously.

That’s where funny New Year quotes come in. They help us laugh at the chaos of midnight parties, failed resolutions, and the eternal optimism we feel every December thirty-first.

These quotes are perfect for social media captions, greeting cards, or just sharing a good laugh with friends. Ready to start the year with a smile? Let’s go!

Funny New Year Quotes

Laugh your way into the new year with these hilarious quotes about resolutions, parties, and fresh starts.

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. I’ll start tomorrow.”
“May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions.”
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
“I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.”
“He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.”
“May your New Year’s resolutions last longer than your holiday leftovers.”
“I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since I didn’t become a better person.”
“My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024, which I should have done in 2023, because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021!”
“This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.”
“New Year’s Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
“Happy New Year’s Eve! May you party just hard enough to have fun but not hard enough to spend the countdown with the toilet.”
“New Year’s Eve is like a glitter-filled ticking time bomb. Fun to start with, but you’ll be cleaning up the mess for days.”
“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”
“Have a carefree New Year’s Eve and a hangover-free New Year’s Day.”
“If you’re 30 and up, don’t forget to take a nap on New Year’s Eve so you can make it to midnight!”
“Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year everybody.”
“New Year’s Eve is finally here, where we can be drunk in public and no one minds. That’s why it’s the best holiday!”
“Every New Year’s, I have the same question: ‘How do I get home?'”
“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
“Here’s to another year… of pretending to know what we’re doing.”
“It’s time to make old mistakes in different ways. Hurray! Happy New Year!”
“New Year stands before us like a chapter in a new book, waiting to be written…by someone who’s better at writing resolutions than me.”
“I would say ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.”
“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.”
“Cheers to a New Year full of new possibilities, even though we both know we’ll do the same old stuff anyway.”
“Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.”
“Here’s to pretending 2025 will be better!”
“2025: The year I finally start on time. Or at least set my clocks correctly.”
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.”
“Before I agree to 2025, I need to see some terms and conditions.”
“I can’t wait to control-alt-delete 2024 and start anew.”
“New Year. Who dis?”
“Cheers to remembering to write ‘2025’ instead of ‘2024’ by April.”
“My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.”
“Don’t expect any New Year’s changes from me. I look forward to being the same sassy, classy, and a little smart-assy delight you love.”
“Ah, I love this little window of time when I can still believe next year will be better than the last.”
“After 2024, my 2025 expectations are lowering faster than the ball in Times Square.”
“So excited for you guys to ruin another 365 days of your life. Happy New Year.”
“I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.”
“New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.”
“Cheers to a year of figuring out adulthood for the 10th time in a row!”
“I’m planning on remembering 2025 like it was yesterday.”
“All I want for the New Year is a nap.”
“Welp, I’m tired. I’m calling it a year!”
“Happy New Year! It is midnight already, and you are getting old. Just go to sleep!”
“Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.”
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
“I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.”
“This year, may your dough flow and your skin glow! Happy New Year with love and laughter!”
“May your dreams get fulfilled as well as your bills. Best of luck with the New Year, dear.”
“The New Year is going to be sweet like a big bite of your favorite ice cream! Just don’t let it give you a brain freeze!”
“I hope the New Year is fruitful and appealing. Like bananas. I love bananas.”
“May the next year find your waistline slimmer, your wallet fatter, your cholesterol lower, and your tolerance level higher.”
“This New Year, be at peace with your appearance. You are perfectly in shape. After all, round is a shape in geometry!”
“My New Year’s resolution is to dream more. I guess that means I’ll need to sleep a lot.”
“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.”
“May your resolutions last as long as your New Year’s hangover.”
“Let this New Year fill you with hope instead of cookies, with joy instead of ice cream, and with wonder instead of potato chips.”
“Happy New Year! May our coffee stay strong and our deadlines stay far away.”
“Cheers to a year of pretending to enjoy team-building exercises. Happy 2025!”
“Wishing you a New Year where meetings are short and snacks are plenty!”
“Happy New Year! Let’s resolve to survive office drama with humor and caffeine.”
“Here’s to a year of getting through Mondays with minimal tears. Cheers!”
“Wishing us a New Year where the copier never jams and emails are optional.”
“Happy New Year! Let’s make our office memes as legendary as our procrastination.”
“Cheers to a 2025 where we only attend meetings that could’ve been emails!”
“May 2025 bless us with tea hotter than the office coffee. Spill away, people!”
“In 2025, my resolution is to stay out of office drama…or at least pretend better.”
“May your New Year’s resolution to hit the gym result in at least one push-up.”
“This year, I resolve to remember why I came into the room.”
“My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”
“I was going to resolve to think twice before saying something, but then I thought…why?”
“I resolve to work on my resolutions all year, no matter how hard they prove to be…failed already!”
“I would quit drinking in the New Year, but nobody likes a quitter.”
“I’ll stop buying things I don’t need, starting with that new gadget I don’t actually use.”
“My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.”
“Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.”
“I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions this year. I already have enough rules I don’t follow.”
“Happy New Year! Let’s kick it off with a bang and by bang, I mean two days in bed, daydreaming!”
“I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say I ordered this a year ago, lol.”
“May your new year smell like a new car and never run out of gas.”
“Instead of saying, ‘Happy New Year,’ couldn’t we just break it into months? You know, like, ‘Happy January!’ I function better with smaller tasks.”
“If the New Year was an infomercial, I’d throw in another one for the price of shipping! I hope 2025 delivers!”
“Happy New Year! May your wallet be as full as your online shopping cart.”
“May your new year bring less drama than a group chat during election season.”
“Here’s to a year of actually doing those plans we keep canceling!”
“Happy New Year from someone who is adorable, handsome, and intelligent and wants to see you smiling always.”
“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions.”

How to Use These Funny New Year Quotes?

Here are some fun ways to share these quotes:

Social media posts. Pick your favorite quote and pair it with a photo from your New Year celebration. Your followers will love it.
Greeting cards. Add a funny quote to your New Year cards. It’s more memorable than a standard “Happy New Year” message.
Party decorations. Print out quotes and hang them at your New Year’s Eve party. Guests will enjoy reading them.
Text messages. Send a funny quote to friends and family. It’s a quick way to spread some laughs.
Conversation starters. Share a quote at your party to get people talking and laughing.

These quotes work for any occasion where you want to add humor to the New Year.

Wrapping It All Up

Life gets too serious sometimes, doesn’t it?

Between work stress, family obligations, and everything else life throws at us, we forget to laugh and enjoy the moment.

That’s what makes these funny New Year quotes so special. They remind us that perfection is overrated and humor is everything.

Sure, you can set goals and make plans for the coming months. But you can also embrace the messiness, celebrate the silly moments, and share a good laugh with people you care about.

So go ahead and pick your favorite quote from this list. Text it to a friend who needs a smile. Please post it on your social media. Write it on a card.

However you choose to spread the joy, remember that laughter makes everything better. Which quote made you laugh the hardest?

Drop it in the comments and let’s keep the good vibes going!